DESPERATELY NEED SOME ADVICE!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
DESPERATELY NEED SOME ADVICE!!!!
7
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:15pm
Help!!! Lately my ex and I have been exchanging emails… it hasn’t been on a regular basis but within the last few weeks we’ve had more contact than in the last 5 months (I broke up with him in February because he couldn’t commit to me – ie. tell me that the relationship had a future or was headed towards engagement/marriage). I posted my problem yesterday (July 13 – under the heading “Should I give him one last chance?”) It’s a rather long posting....but the gist of it is that I was with him for 5 years and I’m now at a point in my life where I want to start building towards a life, settling down and getting married. But he has all these issues around marriage (see my posting) and not only that, he says he has OCD which makes him obsess about certain thoughts (but he does not have obsessive behaviour like needing to wash his hands 100 times or whatever). From what I’ve researched, OCD is like having a mental hiccup – your brain gets stuck on a particular thought and just can’t let go.

He’s not crazy and other than his OCD he’s mentally stable and a wonderful and supportive man. And the only reason I broke it off with him was *not* because of his OCD – it was because of the commitment/marriage issue.

So 2 weeks ago, I got an email from him out of the blue. He said that his OCD is back (it comes and goes) and that he doesn’t have anyone else to talk to since he felt comfortable talking about his problem to only 2 people – me and his dad – since we’re the only ones who can understand it, and I’m the only one who has been through it with him. When I was with him (lived with him for 2 ½ years and were in a relationship for 5 years) it was so horrible when his OCD kicked in, since he’s like a walking zombie and it just killed me to see him like that. He has been taking Prozac but he’s not proactive – he should be in cognitive therapy or some other therapy.

Not only that, he was on a business trip for a week in my hometown (Toronto, Canada) and he said he had to chaperone some business colleagues of his to Niagara Falls and that it remind him so much of our 1st out-of-town trip as a couple 5 years ago and how tough it was for him. And to add to that, he said that he’s been really sick since Saturday – fever, runny nose, itchy eyes, the works… and can’t wait to get home and take some sick days (he arrives back in town today). My urge is to go over and see him and take care of him…

What the f*ck should I do???? It seems like he’s trying coming back in my life, and seems like he needs me. This is just KILLING ME!!! I feel like it's "1 step forward, 10 miles back" in terms of getting over him. How am I supposed to get over him, to move on, when it seems like he needs me? He’s been my best friend (and I was/am his too ). I can’t do the “no contact” thing because I feel that its so harsh and like I’m abandoning him. And he hasn’t said anything about getting back together or trying to work things out. I want my head to lead my actions, not my heart…. But the fact that I’m still in love with him & it looks like he needs me is making it so hard *not* to be impulsive and do what my heart wants me to. I want to respond to his email saying something detached like, “sorry to hear you’re sick, take care of yourself” I don’t think I can pretend to be that cold and aloof just so that I’m not so vulnerable to him. I don’t want to play games with him.

Should I give him one last chance? Tell him if he wants to try one last time, we have to make sure he knows what I want and he tells me what he wants, and see if we can compromise somewhere?

OMG -- someone out there, please give me some advice!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:27pm
Caligrrl,

I need some time to really think about this, but DO NOT go see him and DO NOT take more time than you are to help him. He knows what he is doing he obviously is smart. For now email him back with your well wishes and keep it short, very understanding and nice and EXTREMELY simple. I want you to think back to 5 yrs ago.....would that girl then want what you have now where this relationship is going? Now think 5 years into the future, do you want to be where you are now? After 5 years and he knowing what you want (marriage, settle down etc.) it doesn't seem like that is what he is going to do or want himself. Let me think about this more, but stay away. He knows exactly what to do to get you back. You have walked away for a reason. It is a woman's instinct to nuture, especially those they love. Right now you need to think clearly and realize that your wants aren't going to be met in this relationship and you need to stay away. I'll write more soon.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:35pm
Ok.

I dont want to give you a very very long story just a few things ok...

It seems like you dont really want to be with him anymore, that u are managing on your own quite ok. If I am wrong, you know it!

Dont ´give him another chance´ because you feel kinda sorry for him and think he can´t live without you. He should be able to live independently, even if he has his problems.

If you feel that you love him and you CAN see a positive future with him,then I say yes, take another chance with your relationship. But I also notice you are saying:

Shall I give HIM another chance and not US...

Hope it helped you a little bit....

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 2:51pm
April,

What you said made tons of sense.... thank god I didn't immediately follow my impulse and emailed/contacted him. Instead I posted on this messageboard! :) what I lifesaver...I'll definitely wait for any more advice you can give but so far what you said is true...and i'm taking it to heart.

Lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 5:17pm
I totally agree with the other two posters. You're not being cold by taking care of yourself and doing what is best for you. It obviously tears you up inside to have call you when he needs you all the times. and I agree with the poster that said he needs to take care of himself, and not depend on you. Break this cycle. Think of it this way, if he were perfectly happy and healthy, would he still "need" you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-15-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:26pm
Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the advice, they really helped A LOT!!!

April -- I followed your advice and sent him a nice yet short email saying I hope he's doing better, sorry to hear he's sick, drink lots of fluids and TheraFlu and rest up. It was literally just 4 lines..

I just got his response like 15 minutes ago (which really surprised me since he normally doesn't respond so quickly) saying he's finally home, thanks for email, he's gonna follow my advice. Pretty short email too. He ends the email by saying "see ya".... what the hell does that mean?!

Now should I also say to him what y'all told me -- that he shouldn't contact me anymore since it's messing me up and that I don't want to see myself in this exact same situation 5 years from now (basically 'in limbo') and that I have to move on and I can't do that with him still hovering around the periphery.... Or should I just not respond at all and let *that* be the response?

thanks for all your help, everybody

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:40pm
I know that it's tempting to go running back to your ex and take care of him but please think before you act!!! If he's a true commitment phobe it's unlikely he'll ever want to get married and you could end up right where you started from before the break-up. I would also be weary of his actions....he could just be claiming he's sick as a way to play on your sympathy and get back with him....or he may just want a friend and nothing more. So no matter what you decide to do.....just be cautious and let us know how it goes. Good luck.













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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:06am
Hi Caligrrl,

He said it all in his email, "see ya." Leave things like that. I'm really proud of you that you held your ground. Let your last email be just that, YOUR LAST. Don't worry what See Ya meant. It probably was him pouting he expected you to come running to take care of him. You are finally standing up and thinking about you first. You are obviously an intelligent, well-rounded person and you deserve all things that girl 5 yrs ago wanted. Follow your dreams and your heart. Start doing for you and think, "what do I want or what crazy things have I always wanted to do?"

Your last emails to each other were on "nice ground," so leave it that way. Sending him an email that "it is over," which he should know by now may just cause him to email back and cause more problems.

Take care and please, please let us all know how you are doing!

BEST WISHES AND STAY STRONG!

April