I read THE EMAIL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
I read THE EMAIL
20
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:01pm
There are so many new faces, here's a quick recap - I ended an almost-2 year relationship after my ex acted like a selfish, immature jerk when I had cancer. On what would have been our anniversary, he sent me an email. I have, until today, not opened that email. In part, it was because his prior emails to me were intensely negative (he told me he hated me). In part, I was sick of the drama. In part, I still loved (and love) him, and I know the line I was going to get was, at best, "we're terrible for each other and not meant to be." That hurts, even though I ended it.

About a week ago, he called, out of the blue, after 3 months of no contact, and we had a short, random conversation about not much at all. Someone suggested to me maybe he was calling to follow up on his email. It was weeks later, he never mentioned the email, but I suppose maybe...

Anyway, today, one month after he sent it, I opened the email. I'm going to post it below, then ask for any comments. Thanks for your support, guys.

"I've read your message several times now and I am sorry for the pain you feel. I wish I could have done better, I wish I would have understood more, or explained myself better. ... I would not have been able to state how you felt and that is my biggest fault. I failed to focus on you. I thought I was focusing on you - focusing my love and thoughts on you, but I was not finding out how you felt. I was not looking inside trying to determine how you felt and what I could do to make it better. I know that I failed miserably as a boyfriend; that we failed as a couple, but I don't think it is worth blaming anyone. This was a horribly painful experience and as evidenced by your message, that way for you also. I am sorry for the role I played in causing that pain. I will try to be a better friend.

... I keep trying to think of how it would have all been different, but I just can't come up with anything. I knew from the beginning that you needed more space, but I refused to give it to you. I only thought of myself and tried to pull you closer b/c I thought (as the greatest person ever) that being closer to me would necessarily make you happier. I am sorry that I am so egocentric; that I did not think more about your feelings; that I failed you. When you said, in an email, that I was horribly selfish -- it really stuck. I've been thinking about it ever since and you are right -- I am. I am very sorry that my selfishness caused you pain."

Edited 7/15/2004 3:20 pm ET ET by milton333


Edited 7/18/2004 12:14 am ET ET by milton333

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:36pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:40pm
You need to write a letter of forgiveness for closure sake and be done with it. You really need to move on with your life. I know this is hard, but it is really time. I think deep down you know it too.

April

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 3:40pm
WOW!

I have been WAITING for you too read that, selfishly. I could only imagine what he would have said, and when you said he called, I figured he was checking on your reaction to his email.

I have to admit - its nice to hear (for me as an outsider) he agrees with you and recognizes how selfish he has been. He sounds sincere - and he's not just saying it to get you back, but because he truly sees it now. If he was just blowing smoke up your pipe, he would be pathetically begging you to come back. But no - he recognizes his selfishness and sees how it would have made u feel.

But more importantly - how DOES this make you feel? Is there any closure for you knowing this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:04pm
Well, about that "closure" - look, I forgave him a long time ago. And I told him that. I wrote him a "closure" letter, telling him he'd meant a great deal to me and that I would always value our time together, even if it didn't work out (so he's gotten his forgiveness letter), and he responded by saying he hated me. It's hard to convey sarcasm by email or on this board, but I have often posted with a sense of humor about his failings. I've also had to try really hard to talk myself out of loving him. I think he is, basically, a good man who made mistakes (and is rather selfish). But, the thing is, hearing from him doesn't give me closure. Hearing from him, in fact, does the exact opposite - it reopens it all (that's why I advocate no contact).

And the problem is, if he's sincere and repentent, well, I can't just write him off as an ass and move on. It hits that tender spot I still have for him. He is a good guy, I love(d) him, and he was hurt, too. And it hits my "rejection" button, because how can he say our relationship was "horribly painful"? First, how can *he*, when he was causing the pain? Second, I loved him, more than I've loved anyone, we were planning a life together. It ended badly, but it wasn't "horribly painful" throughout. And he still thinks our relationship was some terrible nightmare and we failed as a couple, he can't acknowledge the love and good times and express regret that it didn't work, what I'd want from "closure."

I don't know, though, I feel good and bad, I guess. Just terribly conflicted, as usual. I miss him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:17pm
Don't justify reconiciliation. I've read all of your posts and I do understand the roller coaster of emotions that we cycle through as we break up, attempt to hold on, attempt to move on, and back again.

I've seen you go from sorrow, to hate, to logical, to analytical, and to understanding and even accepting.

All of this is understandable - but everytime you begin to note all of the good times, you do it in a way that leaves it justifiable for you to take him back. (Kind of like how they leave a movie open at the end for a sequal)... "Well, if he was really repentent, how can I overlook that..."

I guess you'd have to think - Is he really going to change? What if I get into a car accident, or get fat when I'm pregnant, or lose my job? Is he going to be there for you through those tough times? Any relationship can be 'good' and have 'good times' when circumstances are good. It's when we have hardships in life that we really see if our partner is in for the long haul.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:17pm
Milton-

Having just now read your X's e-mail, how do you feel? Has this helped you with closure? What are you planning to do- if anything?

About his e-mail, I don't know your X personally; so it is hard to say what he was feeling or his motives behind writing you this letter. From my own personal experience (my X used to write me very heartfelt, apologetic letters too - even to the very end when I finally asked for no contact once & for all), I do know that they (the X) are sorry for the hurt and most likely are feeling guilty about it. Apologizing profusely may be their way to assuage this guilt, and thus, make themselves feel better.

In your case, your X may truly be sorry for all the hurt he has inflicted on you. It sounds as if he had taken your words to heart and thought deeply about the impact his actions (or lack of) had on you. But this doesn't excuse his behavior. We all know hindsight is 20/20. Looking back, he now realizes the folly of his ways; but who is to say that he won't "abandon ship" again in the future?! Sure, it's a mea culpa; but there's no mention of changing in order to salvage the relationship. Rather, it sounds as if he doesn't want to lose you (in any capacity) from his life; and hence, his follow-up phone call to you weeks later.

Anyway, this is just my $.02. Milton, you've exhibited so much strength so far; keep up your amazing progress.

Take care,

~Claire

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:17pm
I know you probably won't want to do what I suggest, but I'll say it anyways.

You said you re-opened that email...you know what, re-reading emails isnt going to help you get over him or the relationship. But you may not want to which is understandable. For me, I got to a point where i was reading and re-reading things and i realized that all it did was open up wounds that were slowly healing. So i deleted all the emails, including the ones i sent, and all the letters i wrote about our situation that I wish he could read and trully understand and 'get' but never sent because i knew it would fall on deaf ears.

I cannot tell you how much better i feel knowing those letters aren't around and that i can't default to them when i think of some new reason why he did what he did or if i come up with some new interpretation. It fuels the fire milton.

You are such a huge advocate of NC, but this IS contact, just ont direct. And you will never get him to say exactly what you want to hear, especially if you have to look to letters to find it. He felt what he felt, don't interpret it because no one knows what goes on in his head but him. But you have to accept how he feels/felt about the relationship, and move on.

Its funny because at first i thought to myself that I would want to keep the letters and emails, kind of momentos. But then i thought, I know what happened, i don't need a momento to remind me. And i sure don't need one to pull me back into the breakup. If one day i decide to contact him or vice versa, i will have to take the situation as a new one, not one associated in any way with our past.

You wil probbaly always have questions, wonder how what when why. God knows i do everyday. But its done. Its just done. Old letters or emails won't help you get past the break up. They only pull you back.

mel

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:26pm
This is great advice- harsh, but true. What I did- because I couldn't completely delete every e-mail of his & mine- was to create a separate e-mail account on Yahoo just for these e-mails. I knew they were there, but not so tempting to read as they would be if they had remained in my primary e-mail account. For the first few months post-breakup, I re-read many of the e-mails and came away with feelings of disbelief- disbelief that a relationship that started so beautifully could end so horribly. But, it came to the point that I didn't want to give my X control over my mood/emotions any longer; and thus, I stopped reading them. They are still in that secondary account... but out of sight, out of mind!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:30pm
No, I'm not re-reading emails - this is one he sent to me on our anniversary, a month ago, and I just opened it for the first time today. I had promised myself I wouldn't read it until/unless I felt comfortable with whatever it said, and I got there today. It re-opened a lot of feelings, but I have not been moping around reading old emails (thank goodness).
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 4:44pm
Oh sorry for the confusion! I guess i misread your post.

Regardless, whatever he gives you is just that. My ex said the same thing about just being selfish as if he had no control over it. But the fact is i think they believe that and until the day when they take responsibilty for themselves and their actions and impacts on others, they will remain exactly the same.

It is the easiest thing in the world to do the wrong thing and apologize profusely for it. It is the hardest thing to do the right thing and commit to it. He is not ready, neither is my ex, and we certain cannot wait around for them to be.

He gave you no indication in that email that he was beig proative about who he is. He just apologized and wished things could have been different. Thats just where he's at. But you know its not enough. People who knowingly hurt people need to change their lives. It is not healthy for him and certainly not healthy for you. But he needs to be by himself long enough to figure that one out, if he can. And he may not.

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