Preventing Contact
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| Fri, 07-16-2004 - 10:50pm |
For some reason I really feel the need to contact him. This whole week has been like that. I cried this morning because all of a sudden I missed him so much. It's been two months and two weeks since the break up and I have moved on as best as I could. I started to not think about him so much and I didn't cry myself to sleep every night. This week was as if all my steps forward didn't happen. I know it's over. I've come to realize that. The shock of him looking for a new girlfriend has worn off. But right now when I saw that he was online, it hit me that he's probably talking to some woman and it bothers me. I have been chalking up my recent feelings to the rainy weather NYC has been having. I tend to be a bit depressed on dark, rainy days but today was beautiful. I want to move on. I even have been able to flirt with other men and consider going on dates again without being totally numb. I know I'm still healing, that I am still wounded. I am sitting here wondering if he knows I am online, if he cares, if he ever thinks about me, if he regrets what he did. I also know deep down that the answer is no and that I am no longer a part of his life and that he has moved on. I believe that he is a commitment-phobe and that when things got to real for him, he fled. This is a small comfort when one has a shattered heart. I have given him too much power, too much control over my life. Ever since the break up, my entire life has been consumed by pain and anguish. All of my friends say it's time to give it up...to let him go and I can't. I don't think I will be able to fully move on and put him in the past until I meet someone else and not in a rebound way either. I am scared to take a chance on someone because I can't handle being hurt agian. I am sick of being rejected and feeling less than worthy. I am in therapy and am getting help but it is a long hard road. Right now I just want to get through the night without contacting him. I am so sorry that this is rambling but I don't have a string of coherent thoughts right now. Thank you for reading this and listening to me.

But it got better, MUCH better. I just couldn't take the negative feelings anymore. I prayed to God to bring peace to my mind and forgiveness to my heart. A couple days later, I realized that the anger and resentment were gone. I don't know what happened. Maybe God answered my prayer. Maybe at 3 1/2 months it was just a natural course of things. All of a sudden I stop focusing on the hurt that he caused me, and started focusing on what I could do to ensure that my next relationship is healthy, mutually loving, and equitable. My focus is now on me, not him. Yes, I still think of him a lot. And I do still love him. It's not easy, I thought I had found the love of my life. But maybe there is something bigger and better waiting for us out there. You never know! ((hugs))
Lois
Thank you so much. I never did contact him. I wrote a letter to him that he will never read just venting my feelings. And than I went to bed. I feel better today but the nights have always been the hardest. I pray to God for strength, to not love him anymore, to take the pain away. I am sure that one day my prayers will be answered or I will have reached new point in this healing process. In the end I will survive because that is all that I can do. I will move in and live my life to the best of my ability. I keep saying that the right man is out there for me and no matter what I do God will put him in my path when we are supposed to meet. Until than I will keep posting to keep me from calling/emailing/messaging/texting him.
Kir
If you're not ready to do that, you're not, but recognize that you're making a choice that's going to keep you stuck in a painful place.
Sheri
But yes, do it when u feel ready for it.
I have been writing many letters to him at night and because I know I will never give them to him they are really honest, thats helps me a lot too to stop contacting him!
Good luck to all
Samantha
For those of you who pray, do you have a special prayer you say. I pray every night but lately, my faith has been dwindling. Although I don't like it, I don't know what to do