Vicious Cycle

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Vicious Cycle
17
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 6:57am
Hi I found this site when I plugged "Break Up" into google. I'm looking for some sort of support to help me through this vicious cycle I seem to be in. I've been through 3 relationships that were shorter term (2 months or less). I just broke up with my last lover who I dated for a little over 2 months. I knew that there were problems but I thought that we would work them out. I can't only think that perhaps my former lover never wanted to work things out; that she was jut looking for excuses to breakup with me. Well, I think in the end it was pretty mutual. She hung up on me for the last time during a conversation and I thought I'd be strong and not call her until she called me. She did call and say that she'd be over at a certain time and I said I probably wouldnt be there at that time but I could pick a time to meet her or she could coem over early in the morning (so we could take a train for our planned weekend trip). That wasn't good enough for her and she said that she could never say anything right and whatever. I said that I was only going to ask one more time if she was coming over and she started screaming different times and saying it didn't matter. Well, I asked her if I could come get my things or if she would bring them to me (she has a car and lives 45 minutes away and I don't have a car). She said she would not bring my things. To make a long story short, I rented a car and was driving over there--she called me, threatened to beat the crap out of me if I showed up, said she hope my grandmother (who is in the hospital) dies and called me a f---ing n---er and hung up again. I got to her house and she was gone. I returned the next morning with the police, after she practically begged me not to be escorted. What else was I supposed to do? I wasn't sure she'd be there, if she'd be alone, if she would hit me or whatever. Having said all this and knowing that what she was doing was displaying out of control, abusive behavior, why do I sit her with the phone in my hand wanting to call her? She was so beautiful, could be so loving, we enjoyed doing silly things together, and she allowed me to open up to her in so many different ways. Why do things end so badly?

I am at the point right now where I feel as though I will always be alone. I somehow feel this was my last chance and I somehow screwed it up even though she hung up on me numerous times, she cursed me out, she threatened me. Why would she treat me this way if I didn't deserve it or do something? I did ask her why she was behaving in this way and she said, because she wanted me to break up with her. I said why and she was like I dont like you and you will never let me leave you (side note: she told me that she had a horrible time leaving her ex husband because he told her that she could not leave, that she would always be with him, and her departure from there involved violence; she also claims that after she left, he followed her everywhere and showed up at her home, work, etc. on a regular basis). Now, she says that I'm stalking her and following her; I have only driven to her house twice: the first time when we agreed (or so I thought) that I would get my things and the second time escorted by the police--both time afer she said I was stalking her. Why would she say these things? Does she really believe them?

I guess the real problem is that it is Monday morning and I'm looking to find the strength to go to work and not cry all day long. I'm looking to find the strength to eat normally and not drink excessively. It's been two days. What am I supposed to do? How can I make this easier on myself? I so badly want to call her. Any advice or words are appreciated. Sorry for the rambling.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:29pm
well, no one responded to my post and that is OK. I think part of it is just getting it OUT. I did make it to work. But, after two full days, I broke the No Contact Rule. I guess I should be happy that she answered, but did not say anything. So that the break up is not prolonged. I still want to talk to her, hang out with her, be with her. Why can't I? Why is it so hard to break up? Why can't it be easy? A decision is made and I stick with it? WHy do I long for someone who hurt me so much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:54pm
Hi P,

Thats probably why, because she hurt you and doesnt want you, thats why you want her even more. Thats what I have anyway, I think the love from your parents reflects on how you get love from your partners, eventough you know you dont want it and it hurts you. The guys I usually get involved with are guys that dont show love and treat me like sh*t, but sometimes.....they show me love. Thats excactly how I got it from my dad.

So for you as a guy you maybe have to look at your mothers relationship with you.

Anyway, knowing all this, it doesnt mean that its easy to get out of that vivious circle...I know this about myself already really long but i always want these guys again, thats what I know and thats what makes me feel ´normal´.

I just split up with a guy and I know in the beginning its so so hard and you want to call all the time, sometimes you do and its all crappy on the phone...just know that it will get better, .....time!

Good luck...distract yourself with doing other things, make yourself so tired that you go in bed and fall asleep. Keep going to work, its really good for you...

OK good luck

Samantha(Dutch girl)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 4:32pm
Samantha,

Thanks for your reply. I know that it is hard in the beginning. I have no idea if what happened is as a result of my parents and how they treated me, etc. Probably. But I do not find that very helpful, perhaps nothing will be particularly helpful. Time. People say time heals all wounds. That may or may not be true. No one knows that for certain. Some people who have their partners/husbands/wives die, die within a short time after that. I told my last therapist that and I said, sometimes a broken heart does kill people. I cannot say that it does not. Of course, when I'm happy in 10 years, you can tell me that I'm wrong. Part of me hopes that the 10 years never happens and I do not have to live with any pain ever again. This is just too much.

I'm at work now but it's not helping. I keep thinking she'll call, or something. The phone does not ring. It will not be any different when I get home. I don't know what to do anymore. I must resign myself to thinking (and believing) that the phone will never ring; I will never hear from her...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:27pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry you've had to put up with so much from your ex...but nobody deserves to be treated abusievly....always remember that. There are plenty of fish in the see....ones that are less violent and more loving as well. From what you've said it doesn't sound like you were stalking her and her ex-husband probably didn't either. The best thing you can do is to cut your losses and your ties with her and try to move on. She obviously didn't deserve you. Good luck and keep us posted.













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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:01am
thanks for your message. The hardest thing for me right now is recognizing that it is over. maybe she does not deserve me, but I still want to talk to her, know that she is OK. I realize that I should try to move on and cut all ties with her. It is so hard for me to do, I don't know if I can survive not contacting her--this is even k nowing that in her head she might consider any contact stalking and attempt to get a restraining order. that would not be good for my career, my life but I still have a deep desire to contact her. I miss her touch, her laugh, her thoughts, her words. Why must I cut all ties with her? I'm so tired it's crazy...I've been sleeping a bit more but it's not very restful sleep. Any words of encouragement are appreciated--I feel so alone; I dont know how to go on. I must figure it out and make it to work every single day and try to be productive. Why does it hurt so much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:24am
i am sitting at my work right now and what am i doing? i am reading the posts and trying to figure out how to make myself tired enough tonite to fall asleep right away and not think of him

i think what one person said in their post is true..yu want him/her even more when they dont want you..it's amazing really how much more hurt we bring upon ourselves then there really should be

in any case, do not listen to sad songs, that's the only piece of advice i can give..other then that, good luck in surviving, i know i will need it too

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:10am
Nikolina,

Thanks for your post. I am glad that you are able to make it to work. I"m slowly preparing myself to get to work; I'm not sure how productive I'll be (if at all productive). The only way I can get to sleep is beer and pills, which I know is not healthy but if I don't, I'll be up every twenty minutes and I will not be able to function even a little bit. AT work, I'll read websites and posts and try to talk to coworkers and friends. I'll try not to cry so much but sometimes the feelings are unbearable. You might be right that we bring on more hurt to ourselves. Part of me thinks, maybe things were horrible all along and why am I so upset now? Nothing has changed except one big thing: that I will never see her again. And, that's probably why Im so upset.

I can bring myself to listen to very few songs. Very few, unless I"m at a bar. It doesn't matter if they're happy or sad. It all makes me cry.

I wish you luck in making it through it all. I'm trying to come to an understanding that I just might spend the rest of my life alone. That is a struggle.

Ill be checking the posts all day long if you need support too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 9:28am
OK, first gang, we are NOT going to spend the rest of our lives alone. We were alone when we met our current ex B/F or G/F and we started the relationship...there will come a time when we each meet someone else and start a new relationship.

Now, I'm just like each of you....right now, it's way to painful to even think about holding hands with someone else or snuggling up with someone else under the covers for the night....but I hang on to the belief that in time, I will be able to do that and it will happen....and when it does, it will be better than anything I've ever had.

I think that we each have to let go, and heal from this relationship that has just ended, rather than worrying about ending up alone and no one else wanting us. I think that we have to think about ourselves right now....get things right within our own minds...re-establish WHO we are as individuals, not as a couple....because the individualality is what attracted each of our ex's to us in the first place, right?

To the guy who started this thread...go find a professional counselor to talk with. That's what I've started doing and it is helping me tremendously. You will realize in time you are not a bad person...and that yes, perhaps part of the problem was your fault, but part of the blame is hers too...we all have to hang in there...and just take one minute at a time....I'm hurting too...but it's gonna be ok!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 9:43am
First of all, I am not a guy. I am a woman who lives in Philly, as my name suggests. I have sought "professional" help. I do have the belief that I will be alone for the rest of my life for many reasons--some of which I'll share with the rest of the group, some of which I'll keep for my "professional" sessions. I believe that from what I've been told in therapy, what I've experienced in past relationships, etc. that who I need is someone who is very special--understanding, loving, accepting, loveable, acceptable, understandable, respectful, respectable, someone who is a woman (if it bothers people that I'm a woman who loves women, you don't have to respond and I believe you can probably have my posts blocked), who is smart, who is funny, who is a lot of things. I have been told by a therapist of 7 years that I will need someone who is very unique. I thought I had found her. I really did. I thought we would learn and grow from each other. That, I guess, is not going to happen. I have no thoughts that I'll meet someone for me. I don't. Maybe time will help. Maybe therapy will help. Maybe nothing will. I do not believe that I am a bad person, yet I am realistic in believing that I just might be alone for the rest of my life--not completely alone--I'll have my friends, my family, etc. But alone in the sense that I probably won't be coming home to anyone. I think it's nice that aloneagain2004 has the belief that s/he will find someone but I do not.

I cannot let go. I have managed to gather most of her things--perhaps to send to her, perhaps to throw away, perhaps just to leave in a pile on the floor for a year. I cannot delete her number from my phone, my PDA. I am an individual. I am smart, funny, intelligent, hardworking, respectful, caring, etc. I know that but that does not change the facts. If you, aloneagain2004, are able to let go, That's great. I am not there, and may never be there.

I'm not sure that I've ever expressed that no one will ever want me again. Lots of people want to be with me, however, that doesn't mean that I want them, that I want a relationship with them or that I can be in a relationship with them. That really isn't the issue as I see it. It's more fundamental. I've lost something that I really cared for, about, etc.: it was what I thought was a relationship, a future...along with that I lost someone who I thought was my lover. I'm totally and utterly devastated. I write her instead of calling her which I desperately want to do every other minute. I hope that somehow some of you will find a way to accept that and help me through this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
In reply to: phillygrrl
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:22pm
Hi,

Dont worry..Ok thats sounds stupid...I just want to say to you that you seem very down and it I can understand it but ...come on! Please be strong ...it seems that you think you will never get over it, and thats also a phase, dont give up! There is so many things living happy for, starting with yourself!



Samantha

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