When does the obsessing end?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
When does the obsessing end?
2
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:01pm
It's like I know I have to let go, and I continue each day as Milton says "faking it", I have no contact and stay busy and have started seeing someone new. I would have fallen for this new guy in a heartbeat at any other time in my life but right now my heart still holds a light for the ex. I prayed and prayed over this, there is something about him, and the only answer I feel is to wait and be patient. Not that I will get over it but wait that he might see me for who I am and realize we could make a life together. I know he can't see passed his ex and therefore didn't give "us" a chance, and I swear I am doing the same thing to this new person. This feeling is so strong that I feel that I can't let go. Will it ever go away? I knew all along not to fall for this man, and before I knew it, as I was denying it, I could just see so much potential in him. I just wanted a chance and he pushes me away like everybody else right now. Today I keep getting tears from this unending broken heart and I am so scared to hurt this new guy who deserves a chance.

Thanks for letting me type this out

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 1:18pm
Okay, I'm going to say something totally heretical here. I'm a big advocate for no contact, there is a time right after the breakup where contact feeds your sense of a continued connection (which is continually and harshly re-broken, which hurts), and keeps you plugged into him and unable to move forward with your life. But I'm going to say this - if it's been a few months, it might be a good thing to see/talk with him again. Because, a good part of what is going on is that you have built him up to be fabulous and perfect, and he's not. And you may know that, intellectually, but you haven't really felt it at a gut level yet. If you sat across from him, and he acted like a jerk, or just seemed cool and distant, or talked a lot about his new life, you'd get a much better sense of the break than you might have now. If you really can't stop obsessing about him, it might not be a terrible idea to have a brief contact with him. It brings home to you that you don't know him anymore, that you're not part of each others' lives. I think some people may need that. You should not beg him to get back together, or even necessarily talk about the breakup, just spend some time together realizing that you're *not* together, it may help.

I think, though, that the key to moving on is either therapy or spirituality, or both. You may need to practice meditation, practice just releasing the hurt pride, the fear, the confused emotions associated with him. You may need the help of a therapist or clergy person to do this if you can't seem to do it on your own. What you really need is patience - it takes a lot longer than you think it should, and longer than you want it to. You may have started dating too soon. Just give it time, I think it takes more like 6-8 months to really get over someone you loved seriously, don't shortchange yourself. If you jump back into dating too soon, you may be depriving yourself of the full grieving process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:00pm
Thankyou Milton for your response, I agree about building him up in my mind. I do that and the last contact I had with him was a drunk booty call from him which I declined. That should tell me something that this guy has issues and sees me for only his needs and nothing else. It seems that when I write down how I feel, afterwards I get more of a grip on the situation and it isn't as bad as I thought.

He wants to remain friends and I am bound to run into him in this small town, I would like to have my "rosey glasses" off when I do. lol. One day at a time.

And dating...I am not sure if I should have started something new, I thought part of me would be able to drop the past alittle faster having eyes for someone else but it didn't happen. Now I have met a really wonderful person, just alittle too soon. He is being patient with me as I have been up front with him on the whole broken heart issue. I am praying that I am doing the right thing by leaving things that I cannot change in the past and making baby steps toward something that is better.

I'm keeping tabs on the others posts by you, very curious to see how things go, and scared/excited about the movies date. I would be curious/nervous too, this man has the capabilities of bringing out desires in you that your strength and pride cannot keep down. I really hope he has only the best interest at heart for you and that it goes well.

Thanks again

C