Nothing new I am sure

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Nothing new I am sure
5
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 3:48pm
I am sure that what I am going through is not any different than everyone else on here, but writing it down does help.....and writing to anonymous people is helpful as well. But here is the story…….I have been with him for a year and a half…..it was great….I had been out of a very long abusive relationship prior and was healed for well over a year before I met him, so I was in a good place. We had a great time together. A bout 6 months go he told me he had thoughts about an ex. He felt it was unresolved, but that he loved me and just wanted me to know. She is far enough away from us in distance that I truly didn’t worry about it. Well a month ago I go the “I think I need space to figure it out” which turned in to not “space” but time with her. After a night with her…..he decided it was me he wanted…..now I am starting to go slightly psycho. I feel obsessive about him and her, I watch him every minute, I watch us every minute….for signs of something. 5 days ago I got the “I think it is over” email….. “I love you but not enough” thing….. “I want to be friends I will always love you”….. and my favorite right now…. “I can only think of all the reasons why it won’t work with her, and all the reasons why we are good together, but I have to prove to myself it won’t work” Now I truly feel psycho. I was really shocked by all of this a month ago and still feel like a total zombie….barely able to get through the hour, let alone the day. I did get an depression med increase today, and started back seeing a counselor….but jeez this sucks big time

Licali5

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 5:14pm
Sorry for your pain. I know this hurts like hell. I went through something very similar. I was with this guy for a year. About 10 mos into the relationship, an old girlfriend reappears in his life. First it's just phone calls as she lives 200 miles away. They have known each other a long time she was the love of his life right out of college. She was a few years younger and not ready to be with one person. He went on to marry someone else. 17 years later, he and wife split up --- enter me. I knew that this woman was someone he had cared deeply about, but --sheesh-- it was 22 years ago! At first I didn't think anything of them conversing with each other. I would do the same if I had heard from an old boyfriend. But I began to realize that with each phone conversation, he was disconnecting from me just a little. Anyway, in March I got the same spiel you did about needing space, how he didn't know what was wrong with him and why he couldn't give me the 100% I deserved. He told me what we had was very precious to him and he wanted things to work between us, and didn't see another way (besides space..blah blah). Well, it turned out he needed space because he had already made plans to spend the next weekend with her while she was in town. He was putting me on the back burner while he explored where things might go with her. No sense in totally getting rid of me until he knew he had a sure thing. I was actually the one who broke it off and started no contact. I told him I would not continue seeing him while he saw other women. They are still seeing each other when they can.

Needless to say the pain was unbearable at times. We are in our 40s and I thought I had found the person I was meant to be with for the rest of my life. I was so head over heals in love. I allowed myself to fall deeper than I had ever in my life.

It has been almost 4 months for me, and I will tell you that it does get better. I have gone through the process, dealt with the pain, the anger, the resentment, even the dispair, the fear that I will never be happy again, and the thoughts that maybe I am just meant to go through life alone.

But I feel so much better today. I still have some sadness, mainly when certain memories come to the surface. But the anger and resentment are gone. I realized I had to forgive him for hurting me. It was the only way I was going to heal. He is a decent person who was presented with an opportunity to reconnect with the person who had been the love of his life. While I can't imagine still being in love with someone from 22 years ago, I can't say for sure that I wouldn't have done the same thing. If he is guilty of anything, it's that he totally sucked at breaking up.

So anyway, there it is. It may be nothing new, but it still sucks. Time and distance from him is the only way to heal. ((hugs))

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 5:28pm
Oh thank you soooooo much our stories are very familiar. She is 200 miles away….then phone calls, text messages, and Ims, but thought jeez she is so far away…she can’t hurt us. Well we had vacation and marriage plans for this summer that are now all out the window. Shoot I even got the “I can only give you 90% and you deserve so much more” line. I felt he was the one and we were forever. I hate that I let myself believe that at this point in my life. You would think that at the age of 42, I would have more sense than that.

I know I NEED to have no contact, but right now I just can’t. We don’t see each other but email or message. It is like I live for them right now, but it will get better I know, but the time between now and better sucks.

Thanks for letting me know it isn’t just me

Licali5



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:16pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm so sorry for your pain...I know you must be a wreck right now...as anybody in your position would be. I don't think it was right for your ex to drag this out the way he did...it was bad enough he went back to his ex.. I think you should cut all ties with him (I know that will be tough) and try to move on as best you can. Try and stay busy and go do things with friends. Good luck and keep us posted. We're here if you need us!!













Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:54am
hey

i just posted my message since i am new to this board and then went on reading a little and found your post. Man, it must be hell for you..before I would give you the 'just get over him' 'find somebody else talk' but now that i am going through a break up i really dont think there are any words of comfort. I dont know how it can get better, I dont know how to really break ties with somebody you care so deeply about, how not to feel alone, how to get back your self esteem...I am not helping very much am I? :)

Maybe it's destiny, maybe it's the star alignement, maybe it's just life..I hope you manage to get out sane out of all this and find somebody that will fill yourlife with love, happiness and great sex :)

you can get through this, i promise..as somebody else on this board wrote, just take deep breaths, one at a time

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 9:41am
Maybe at our age, we allow ourselves to believe more! I am no babe in the woods. I have been married. I had relationships before my marriage. Have two children. Been there, done that.

I have this fear that I won't be able to trust my judgement when it comes to men again. Even now I ask myself how could I have let myself become so blindsided by the relationship and the breakup. But I do know that if he had truly fallen in love with me the way I had fallen for him, it wouldn't have mattered when his old gf popped back into the picture. Just my luck she never got married. I too thought the distance was safe. I also thought that he would come to realize what he had in me, and maybe by talking to his ex he would come to stop idealizing her. I mean, they didn't have any contact for years. We tend to remember things better than they were, and I had hoped that is what he would realize. But it didn't turn out like that.

We just exchanged emails. He appologized for what he put me through and said if the situation was reversed, he knows how fustrated and angry he would feel. He said he misses me and still thinks about me. He said I have so much going for me and he still can't figure out why he was unable to fully commit to me. I'm thinking...Duh -- maybe because you are still hung up on C----. You would think a 45 yo man who is educated, successful, smart, responsible, etc, would know what he wants and where he is going. I would have an easier time excusing his confusion if he was a 23 yo guy.

Anyway, enough about me. How are you doing today? I know how hard it is to let go of everything you had been hoping and dreaming for. It feels like a death in some regards. You really do have to go through the grieving process. It hurts, but it doesn't last forever. At first, you just do what you can to get through the day. Everything just seems overwhelming. So, take one day at a time. And try your best to halt contact. One of the hardest things I have ever done was to tell him I would not see him anymore and not to call me. I think he was a bit surprised at first, but I believe he actually repected me more because of it. Hang in there ((hugs))

Lois