what are we doing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
what are we doing?
11
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:48am
I'll recap my breakup: I ended an almost 2 year relationship with my ex after he refused to go with me to the hospital for biopsies and surgery when I had cervical cancer, and generally acted like a selfish jerk. It was a hard breakup, and he lashed out at me, told me the whole relationship was "awful," "horribly painful," and something he was trying to forget ever happened. We had about 3 1/2 months of no contact.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, he calls out of the blue, we talk for about an hour about nothing at all, and I don't hear from him again. I finally work up the courage to open his last email to me, sent on what would have been our anniversary, and it's an "I'm sorry for being a selfish jerk" message, to which I responded. I also sent him an email about my recent victory at trial, and he responded by offering to buy me a drink to celebrate. At his suggestion, we met up Saturday night, and did dinner and drinks. He made reservations. He was dressed nicely. He looked good (and so did I, not "sexy," but classy). We talked for over an hour, pleasantly, and I figured I could do this "friends" thing, it didn't hurt as much as I'd expected, though I was worried about our famous extreme chemistry if we tried to spend too much time together. Then dinner/drinks turned to the topic of the breakup (he turned it there, I think, but I can't say for sure that I didn't). We both got upset, I raised my voice, I started to cry, he started to cry. I think we pulled it back by the end of the evening, went our separate ways, but things he said at dinner made me think he was still a selfish idiot (he says he doesn't remember a "specific request" to go to the hospital, and didn't think he had to go without one). Then, on Sunday, we start emailing furiously about the breakup and our feelings about how it ended. We talk on the phone, briefly, but both start crying, so it's back to email. We must have exchanged over a dozen long, brutally honest, articulate emails on each side. I kept wondering why he was doing it - he hadn't talked to me in over three months, he had said more times than I can count that we were a horrible failure as a couple and he's glad we're through (he's kind of a prick that way, in case you couldn't tell). So, why the insistence on talking through it all? I don't know.

Anyway, eventually I apologized and said I really didn't want to do all the drama, it didn't seem to be doing anything but upsetting us both, let's talk about something else, he apologized, we said let's make peace. Then we continued emailing back and forth all Sunday night, jokes, reminiscing about times together, in kind of a flirty tone (though email's hard to get a sense of "tone"). At dinner, I was shocked to learn he hadn't seen the new Michael Moore movie, he's a big Michael Moore fan (he implied that he hadn't been to the movies since we broke up, in kind of a mopy way, and was also extremely detailed about how he'd spent the last couple of weekends just working on his car - subtext: I'm single??). Sunday I said, basically, let's be friends, maybe we can hang out some time. He said, how about we see that movie together? I say okay, he says the weekend works best for him.

So, now we've got plans to see a movie together Friday night. He's super accommodating - he'll go wherever I want, he can drive, he'd be happy to pick me up, he's willing to leave work early on Friday if I want to see an early show. What's going on here? I may be clueless, but is this how people transition to friendship? I kind of thought we'd "hang out" after the emotional intensity died down a bit more (I expected it to be weeks or months before we "hung out" again), and I thought it would be more like a Sunday afternoon matinee, a baseball game, something casual and light like that. Isn't a movie together kind of date-like and intimate, sitting next to each other in the dark for hours, we did have very extreme chemistry? And what's up with two weekend night "get togethers" with him in a row? Is that how people do friendship? Plus, is this some sort of charity thing? I broke up with him. But he hurt me very badly not being there when I had cancer, and everyone who's heard the story thinks he's a complete jack-ss. Is he trying to redeem himself? He said something about being a better friend to me than he'd been a boyfriend. Is he trying to regain my trust to get back together, or is this just to make him feel like less of a creep? Is this an elaborate attempt at a booty call? I'll actually be up near his house for a continuing education class on Friday, I suggested we just stick around up there to see a movie, but I'm more than a bit concerned at ending up at his place, he has painted and bought new furniture and I can see the offer to give me a tour coming up (I should not be alone with him any place with horizontal surfaces, because even if I think he's a loser, he's still pretty hot). Any thoughts?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:42pm
My advice: Don't rush into anything.

And yes, he wants to sleep with you. He doesn't have to want to get back together with you to do that.If you really want to see his house, do it before the movie. In fact, buy the movie tickets online, then go to his house, and then you will definitely go to the movie, hopefully avoiding any horizontal tango'ing.

I don't think you know what you really want from this. You're analyzing his actions, hoping for a sign either way of what his intentions are so that you can therefore make up your mind.

Give yourselves some time to see what these feelings are all about. There is no rush!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:53pm
Yes...my thought is that you are playing with fire and you know it, but for some reason you want to risk getting burned again.

And yes, it's pretty clear that he is trying to redeem himself so he can feel better about his selfish a$$.

Sheri


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:03pm
i agree with Sheri. For some reason you keep playing games with each other. One minute your fighting and crying, the next flirting and making plans. As Dr. Phil would say, "you are getting something out of this." You may not know what, but for some reason you are willing to take the risk of getting burned again to be with this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 2:10pm
Maybe he still has feelings for you, maybe he feels somewhat guilty, maybe he too is conflicted, not sure what he wants. It's impossible to know for sure right now. He cares, or he wouldn't be engaging with you - and I don't believe it's just to sleep with you. But you obviously still have strong feelings for him, so I say, keep the lines open, but just take things really slowly and try to keep a balance with other activities and things you have going. At some point it's probably a question of whether you can accept him for what he is, faults and all. Sometimes we follow where our hearts lead.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 3:27pm
I agree with you....

The only thing I have to say is ...

follow your heart.....

Samie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 5:13pm
What if our communication on Sunday actually accomplished something? Like, he understood where I was coming from, I understood what he was saying, we had a breakthrough, or are at least on the right path to that? Because, honestly, is there never any hope, never any happy ending, never any learning of lessons, changing, or second chances? I'm not prepared to give him a second chance at the moment, I haven't seen any basis for doing that (but I might shag him once, just for my own sake :P). But why can't it be a positive development? Even if it just leads to friendship, I enjoy being around him, I know I probably can't rely on him as a best friend, but I'm happy not to be in an agony of bitterness and anger at him anymore, can't that be a good thing? I'm not stupid, I know not to fall at his feet based on what's happened so far, but he's a smart guy, seems to have become somewhat more self-aware, and he's making an effort I really wouldn't have expected from him, maybe I give him the benefit of the doubt for a bit and see where he goes with it?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:05pm
Good luck with this line of thought...BTDT, and there's only more pain at the end of this road.

A year or two from now? Sure. But not now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:20pm
Milton,

That's just what I was trying to say. Go with it and see what happens. Really, what's the worst that can happen? There IS always hope and people can change, maybe not entirely, but sometimes enough to make things workable. Probably you've even changed, perhaps recognized some things, could/would do some things differently. The fact that you've seriously talked about what happened between you is very healthy. I say, follow your heart but keep your head on straight. I guess that goes counter to what a lot of people on this board would say...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:22pm
We're up to dinner and a movie, Friday night. He wants me to pick the restaurant. Should I go with one of our favorites, or pick something more neutral?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:41pm
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!! Don't do it!! You are going to regret this, big time. Sheri is completely right (and succinct, at that). You are nailing your own coffin shut. He is playing with you even though you think you're holding the cards.

I've done this exact same thing with every single relationship I've been in, save this last one. I've had a "friendly" relationship with them all, immediately post break-up, which resulted in repeated heartbreak. My best friend right now, is my ex-boyfriend from 3 years ago. But, it took us over a year and several relationships with other people to get to where we are. Here's a test: how would you feel if he started seeing someone else? Jealous?? Angry?? Abandoned?? You bet you would!! Stop while your ahead, girl. You're not over him yet and you canNOT be friends with him right now!!

Besides, you said you think he's a loser. Why are you hanging out with a loser? I don't think any of my friends are losers.

I am begging you. You have posted SO MANY inspirational things here. Be a role model to us, Milton! Don't do it!

Monty

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