Bittersweet Birthday

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
Bittersweet Birthday
1
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:14pm
I'm sorry this is soooooooooooooo very long!!!!


So yesterday I celebrated my 20th birthday, surrounded by my family and friends. That's all I ever need, and it was great. But like I stated in a few previous posts, the ex IM'd me and although it was nothing to cause a great deal of harm, I was doing well before he contacted me, and now since then I've been thinking about him ALOT. So of course, naturally I thought about him yesterday...and it made me think just how sh*tty he was to me during the whole relationship!! Now, most guys I know have a way with forgetting things or just not really wanting to remember them...but I also know that when it really matters to them, it's suddenly very easy for them to remember things. Yesterday I was just thinking back on all the things he told me, about how he "loved me" and "saw us together later on in life (aka marriage)" and got so excited when I told him that I loved him, after months of him pushing me into saying it (he didn't say it till a couple months after me though)and trying to push sex on me.

I thought back to the weekend when I went home with him to Detroit, met his WHOLE family (I kid you not) from mom, dad, and brother, to great grandma, aunts and uncles, etc. That was a HUGE step for me! or maybe I just think so. Yet I was able to remember all of their names and little facts about them, because I know how important his family is to him. Don't get me wrong, his family was GREAT to me, I had a blast, it was just very intimidating to go meet them all in the span of 2 days. Every weekend after that, he would always ask if I wanted to go down again, or go to his cabin and hang out with his cousins and their g/f's or whoever was there. I agreed, because we all had a blast together, and went a couple times but started to get a little upset that he wouldn't come and meet my immediate family(Mom, Dad, Brothers) let alone my extended family(which is sorta understandable, because it's a HUGE). I'd talk about them alot because my family and friends mean soooo much to me, yet he could never remember names or anything about them(like which brothers were older or younger). I let it go for awhile, and then one weekend my parents and little brother came up to school on a surprise visit for me, and he was caught, he had to meet them...but even after spending all weekend with them and getting along great with my dad & brother, he still couldn't remember their names or anything like that. We eventually stopped going to his cabin because I made a not so good comment about him pushing his family on me when he wouldn't even meet mine...but the comment didn't come out the way it was supposed to...oops...

He didn't/doesn't know my birthday!!!! or our anniversary's!!! I spent our 6 month anniversary(I know...not a REAL big deal) alone in the TV room because he was playing video games and drinking with his friends. I know how important they are to him, so I just kept my mouth shut and ended up falling asleep in the TV room...he came and got me when they left and I stayed in his room that night, and fell back asleep pretty soon after I laid down, but wished him a happy anniversary before I dozed off completely. He just sort of went still...but nothing was said like "I'm sorry, I forgot" or whatever he just ignored it.

When we were talking about how we were going to handle 4 months of being over 8 hours apart...it was always him saying I should come visit him on certain weekends or whatever. Never once did he offer to come to me. Even though he knows I work 3 jobs during the summer, pay for my own schooling and car(his mom and dad pay for all his stuff). It's like he still couldn't bring himself to meet my family...even then.

I LOVE buying things for people and I LOVE watching their face when the get so excited over little things...like just that someone remembered their favorite candy or drink and got it for them. I did this sort of stuff for him ALL the time! and he was so excited everytime so I kept at it. We'd go out shopping for something that I needed and he was a good sport for coming along and not really complaining all that much(seriously anyways, joked around alot, we both did), so I usually bought him a discounted DVD of his choice or something of that nature. I can't complain because I benefitted from those too ;)(snuggle sessions) But never once did he go out of his way for little stuff like that for me. I know this sounds so very selfish, but still. Would it have killed him to pick up my favorite candy bar, or juice? just a couple times??? or bring home a single flower on Valentine's day??? Just something to tell me that he remembers and thinks of me and what I like...that he cares enough to remember...

There's alot more, but I think this is long enough lol, some of you already may want to chop off my fingers for it lol. Thanks for letting me vent about it all.


~*~Zsa



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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:52pm
You're right, squeaks, everything you're talking about is a problem. Frankly, it's one of the big reasons my marriage ended. I was constantly doing "little things" for him, thoughtful things, he was always in the front of my mind, and it just shocked me how little he did for me. Like, when we first were married, he was working, but I was still looking for a job. So, I'd get up with him every morning and put on coffee, and make his lunch (we were pretty strapped for cash), and I'd always put a little note in his lunch to make him smile or whatever. And when I started working, and things got hectic at work, I'd get out of the shower and he'd have already left for work, turned off the coffee, and there'd be nothing to eat for lunch. Like, would it kill him to notice that there's no food and go to the store the night before? Doesn't he care if I have something to eat for lunch? I mean, it was stupid things like that, but it just really struck me how he never brought me my favorite candy bar, or worried that I was catching a cold, or made sure I had lunch, just tiny little consideration-related things. Never an encouraging note, never a thoughtful gesture, it just really wears away at you.

My ex-bf was much the same way, frankly. We had a big blowout fight this weekend, months after the breakup (and after months of no contact), where I basically accused him of not knowing anything about me, about my family, my interests, my hobbies, my stories from childhood, whatever. I'll tell you, I was absolutely *shocked* when he wrote an extremely long email detailing just about everything about me, everything I'd ever told him. I honestly thought he had no idea. But he always acted like it wasn't important or he didn't know, and that was the problem, not that he didn't know, but that he acted like it didn't matter to him. So, he had all that information, but did he ever do anything about it? Did he ever even ask me about my sister, who's having a baby, or my brother, whose birthday was recently, or any of that? I mean, failing to act on that knowledge, failing to show you care or that it matters, that you cherish all the little things about the person you love, that's what hurts, even if he does technically know it.

You're right, the best part of being in a relationship is having someone to share a private world of your own creation with, someone with whom you can share inside jokes, someone who thinks that you, and the union you create together, is something special and rare and precious and worth commemorating and taking care of. Because if it's not, then you'll find yourself where I ended up - it gets hard, life throws you a curve, the relationship suddenly becomes an obligation and places demands on him, and if he doesn't think it's something worth nurturing and taking care of, he'll be out the door. Sad, but I guess it's best that you found out now.