Confessions of a Dumper

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Confessions of a Dumper
4
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:24pm
Hello IVillage- I wish we were meeting under better circumstances, but I suppose we're all here because we're in emotional turmoil. I promised myself I'd keep this brief, so here goes...

I've just kicked my boyfriend of three years out, for the third time in a year and a half. I'm feeling so guilty and torn right now, I've actually thrown up twice today; I really have no one to talk to (my family just thinks I'm crazy for ever taking him back in the first place) and I'm pretty desperate right now. In a nutshell, he's almost completely disabled due to mental and emotional difficulties; I've also had some emotional issues in the past, and we bonded at first around our shared issues. He's deteriorated, though, over the past three years; in my opinion, his deterioration is directly due to lifestyle choices, i.e. he won't stop smoking pot and taking random psychiatric drugs, he won't commit himself to any kind of goal or dream, he won't go to the doctor or get into therapy. He won't keep even the smallest promise made to me or anyone else, and refuses to take responsibility for anything...he's blamed his failure to get better on everything from me and his mother to aliens implanting things in his head.

He's obviously ill, and I would love to think of myself as the kind of person who can stick by somebody I love even if they're having problems. He has no place of his own, very little money, credit card debt up to his eyeballs, and very little chance of landing a job...yet I kicked him out. I feel like the biggest piece of crap in the Universe right now.

That's why I took him back in the first (and second) place: he played heavily on my pity, and swore he was doing better. He even looked like he was doing better, for a short time. But, of course, everything went right back to the way it was within two months this time, and I can't take it. It's draining me dry, financially, emotionally, physically. Now that I've broken up with him, I can't help but think "If I had been a little more tolerant, a little more patient, a little less critical" then he might have gotten better. I know intellectually that this is wrong- I have no control over him at all- but emotionally, I feel so guilty, like a complete failure. I'm 30 years old...will I ever learn to have a reasonably healthy relationship?

Anyway, I'll be practicing the 'no contact' policy, and trying not to hate myself as I'm doing it. I feel like I've just tossed a broken-legged puppy out in the snow to fend for itself...aaarrrggghh...

Thanks so much for listening; I needed to get that out so badly. This is the hardest thing I think I've ever done.

Laurel

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:53pm
There comes a time in every relationship when a person has to do whats best FOR THEM...it sounds like you have done everything any reasonable, compassionate, caring person could do. You can't, nor should you be expected to "Fix" this man...only he can fix himself. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take this time as an opportunity to move forward and find someone who can contribute equally to a healthy relationship. I wsih you the best during this very difficult time.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:17pm
Laurel,

What you've done sounds like it's been very, very, very hard. Something like that couldn't have occurred on the fly. You didn't make some sloppy, spontaneous decision. You have already done this twice. Make yourself a "three strikes" promise and don't look back.

I agree with monkeyboy that you are not responsible for fixing his problems--HE is. Pot is really the only somewhat acceptable recreational drug, but it does not help emotional instability. He is deliberately neglecting his emotional health. And, I speak from experience when I say, he is dragging you down with him. Despite your guilt, which is normal and healthy, you should also feel empowered that you were able to get out of that situation. You've tried your hardest, and you really did!! He must learn to fend for himself before he can be good for somebody else. You said his disability is due to his self-destructive behavior and victim mentality. You can't make him realize that. He has to do it himself.

Be honest with yourself...do you really think he'll ever recover? Do you want to be unhappy with him for the rest of your life? Guilt aside--do you honestly think you were the one thing keeping him afloat?

I hear your despair. The combination of age and an unbroken record of failed relationships...boy, join the club!! The truth is, they have nothing to do with each other. Even if you were 21, and this were your first relationship, you would still feel this heartache. Only it would probably be worse because you wouldn't have known what you were supposed to feel. Make sense?

You and I and many other people on this board should start a "Serial Monogamists Anonymous" support group. But we are not commitment-phobic. We have the capacity for a loving, healthy, wonderful relationship. Until that happens, keep your chin up, whether your face has a smile on it or not. When in doubt, get online, read and post!

We are here for you.

Pig Monty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:56am
Thanks so much for your support and kind words...you're right about not being able to fix someone else. It's just so hard to watch someone you love harming themselves, and not have the urge to help. I guess that standing up for my own self, not being a victim in my own right, may be the only thing I can do to "help" either one of us. Thanks again,

:-)

Laurel
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:10am
Thanks, Monty...I am so grateful for the encouragement right now. You've made good sense; now, if only I can convince that non-rational part of myself that we're right! So far, so good.

I agree with you, btw, about pot being relatively acceptable as a recreational drug; if a person can smoke a little on a Saturday night a couple times per month, kick back and enjoy themselves, I say no harm, no foul. When it becomes a way of escaping, a way of hiding from life, then it becomes very harmful; with my bf, it was pretty much every day, all day. He became very paranoid, and couldn't even go to the store to get a soda without thinking people could see into his head. After living with him for three years, it became more than obvious that, while the marijuana certainly didn't cause all the problems, it sure made them worse, a lot worse. This is not even to mention all the possessions that wound up in the pawn shop.

I can't even stand to be in the same room with it right now (awful memories!), but I still believe that almost anything can be used in a life-affirming, positive way. It all depends on why a person is doing it, and how well they can maintain a level of moderation and balance.

Thanks again for your support...I'll be checking in often.

:-)

Laura