i think i like the drama

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
i think i like the drama
3
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:10pm
That is so unhealthy to be addicted to fighting and making up. Here's what happened.

There was this party coming up that I posted about. So a few days before I saw my ex at bowling and when he asked, I said I probably wouldn't make it. This turned into a fight -it was the first time we'd spoken one-on-one for several weeks. he was upset at how i'd been avoiding him even though breaking up was all his doing (the whole "why can't you be close to me unless you can have me" routine) and he was REALLY annoyed I wasn't planning on going to the party. i have no idea why, i think possibly he wanted to hook up with me there, since he knows how i am when drunk? anyway, i said i thought it would be messed up for us to be at the same party and potentially hooking up with other people when we're not really over each other and he said he thought that was silly rationale and a "risk he was willing to take."

So I ended up going to this party, honestly out of BOREDOM. I think I am just bored with life since the gut-wrenching grief and yearning and anger over this guy have faded away. At the party, I didn't talk to my ex much, and actually had a great time, it was a good party. I ended up sort of hooking up with another guy (just some kissing in the hot tub). i didn't think my ex was even aware of this but when I came inside to change he was waiting on the stairs for me and he completely flipped out, called me a f---ing b--ch, punched a hole in the wall and hurt his hand, etc. it was a little bit scary, i've never seen him like that. Then the anger turned to hurt and I thought he was going to cry or something, it's just weird to see a guy who is normally so cold look so vulnerable, it got to me so i hugged him and we made up. i was pretty drunk.

the next day a bunch of us (including my ex) went to a concert and he was acting like my boyfriend, which i just didn't feel like addressing at the time. i went with it for a day, i was hungover and tired and did not want a big talk or fight. then the next night (last night) he came over at about 11 pm wanting to watch a movie. i let him in, but said i didn't want to start acting like we were together like this when i knew it was all a sham because he was jealous. he said he understood but thought it felt so good to be together. the funny part was, i asked him how long it would feel good to him for us to be together, before he got sick of me, maybe 2 weeks? he said that sounded like an accurate estimate. ha ha. i was glad he said that, it made my lingering guilt vanish.

He ended up storming out, angry, after this huge conversation we had. I'm wondering if any of you could help me figure out was actually going on in this conversation, because i'm really confused.

He seemed really interested in how upset he got at the party. He said it was the first time in ages he had felt emotionally out of control, and he couldn't decide if that was a good or a bad thing. he's worried about himself because he doesn't think he has the ability to love, that he's dead inside, that he is unable to let go like that, that he needs to be in control. he, honestly, seemed almost glad that i had made him jealous so that he could feel that way, because the feeling was "interesting." he said it also made him realize how weak and hypocritical he was because he had convinced himself he didn't care about me, but he really did.

i didn't say this, but i really think jealousy does not equal real feelings towards someone, it's a blow to the ego more than anything. and he admitted, he didn't think he could keep feelings alive for me for longer than a couple of weeks (before they are buried in fear and selfishness in my opinion). I actually thought that was kind of mature of him to admit that. I don't know, I know that this relationship will never progress towards something healthy, but there's a part of me that finds him so interesting that I don't want him out of my life completely, I like this back and forth, I like the idea that there are intense feelings between us that can't ever go anywhere. AAAAA!!!! SO SICK!!! I guess I can say all this now because I am in control -- i am not letting him get close to me if I don't want that, and in a way I almost feel like he's more dependent on me than the reverse because i've spent 3 months dealing with the end of this relationship, and in his mind, we never really broke up, he's always assumed i'm there when he needs me. I think that's why he got angry last night, he realized I wasn't when I said no to his little "two week" plan.

Anyway, this is incredibly long and convoluted, it's just been an intense few days and I'm trying to sort it out in my head.





iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 10:30pm
I'm so on the same page right now, check out my thread on "what are we doing." Yeah, mine is interesting, all right. And I honestly think he may be back for more, and I think for him, too, it's at least in part because he has never felt this much turmoil with someone before and thinks that must mean something. Like, we really get under each other's skin, can really push each other's buttons, both in good and bad ways. He said he's never shouted at a woman before (gee, great, so happy to be the first), but he seems intrigued that we're still going at it this intensely about 3 months after the breakup. I'm intrigued in large part because he told me that he had made terrible mistakes, was selfish, and seems at least willing to consider that he screwed up. He does get that he hurt me. I'm interested to see where it goes, if he does actually apologize and see what he did wrong during my cancer scare, or what. Plus, he is looking hot. I know, that's terrible, but, wow, I have been thinking maybe there's no real harm in just a quick roll in the hay. I left him, after all, for good reason, it's not as if I've been begging him to come back, he'd have to convince me that my reasons for leaving have been addressed before I'd take him back. But, yeah, I'm addicted to the drama, too. It was so intense, fighting, crying, making up, I feel like I've been sleeping for months and just finally woke up. I want to see where it leads. Look, he can't hurt me worse that when he checked out and left me to deal with cancer alone, right? I'm a big girl, and I want to see where this takes me. Common sense is on vacation, I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 11:20pm
Yeah, it's weird how it's flattering to be the source of all this intense emotion from your ex, even if it's intense negative emotion. Unfortunately, my ex does not, like yours, see that he's done anything wrong. I just got this email from him.

"I'm pretty pissed at your right now, I thought that was pretty messed up what you did saturday night, at my party in my hot tub or stream room, where ever the f--k, I don't understand how you could do that, seems common sense to me to at least leave my x's place. Yeah when I get on some chick maybe I'll bring her over to your house and get in on with her there. I've been taking a lot of sh-t from you first that note, next weeks straight of you being b-tch to me, then getting it on with some guy at my house. I'm sick of you I'm sick of this situation"

I just realized that I've given him the moral high ground by doing that on saturday night. he basically gave me permission to get it on with someone at his house a few days before, but i shouldn't have believed him.

So now because of that, he gets to twist our whole relationship and breakup into him=victim and me=b-tch. The part of this that gets me is the "weeks straight of you being a b-tch to me" That refers to the time during which i wouldn't interact with him directly. and 'that note?' is when i basically outlined how he had hurt me and why i didn't want to be "close" as he had been pressuring me to do. it was not that mean of a note, i said repeatedly in it that i knew he wasn't TRYING to hurt me, but that the situation was hurtful.

This drama is getting less appealing. Judging from his last breakup, with the gfriend bfore me, he is in the process of framing this all so that he can be blame-free, and I am this psycho manipulative woman. That makes me really mad. It's especially ironic, because the anger came after last night, when I wouldn't agree to be with him in this weird short-term way. he realized i'm not going to play. so he's in the process of writing me off. grr.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:43am
And then you have to wonder - if we are all so addicted to the drama - when it fades away, do we just create more of it?

My breakup was a huge drama, we got back together for the third time, and already I am finding issues. I don't know if I am making those issues up in my head because I am used to and fond of the drama or if they are real issues and I shouldn't ignore them?