'No contact' should not be a rule!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
'No contact' should not be a rule!
10
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:04am
Everybody here seems to push this no contact rule and I understand why..it helps you heal faster..however, for those that are healed and have started to think with their heads, not just their hearts, for those that were in normal healthy relationships where one person was just not capable of loving the same, where the passions displayed did not match but both people were normal adults caught up in the life's circumstances i say no contact rule IN MY OPINION suxs!

Why? Breaking up with somebody is such an artificial meaningless expression. It took time to fall in love, it took time to care, it took time to open your heart and you got to love and know this PERSON not an object that you can just detach from yourself. We are talking about RELATIONSIPS not machinery. Going through life we should keep close all the people we spent time with, have shared history with and have fond memories of. Once you are 70 and have collected all these friends that used to be your lovers, you can go for coffee and talk about the fun you had.

Life isnt about isolated couples, it is about finding love and then, if it doesnt work out, exchanging it for something that will last a lifetime. You can never break away from somebody and you shouldnt. Every relationship should be a blessing, beginning of it as well as the end.

So I say call them! Get over them first and then call and say im ready to be friends now, how have you been, who are you dating, im glad everything is working out

I hope this helps a little to anybody reading it..good luck you guys and remember that life is good..if it didnt hurt sometimes we would never know what happiness is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:20am
I dont know about others on here, but I agree 100% with you. You have said all what I am trying to say here all the time as well!!!!!

Fantastic way of thinking!


Well done!

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-19-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 8:26am
Nikolina,

I do not necessarily think that "no contact" for the rest of your lives is the best idea always either. However,I think when there are still such strong desires to be with the other person, it might be a good idea to break off the contact so you don't start the cycles back up again and get back into something that wasn't good for either or both people. From my other posts, Im sure you know I find this incredibly difficult to do.

I totally agree that breaking up is really a meaningless emotional act..that people should come to an agreement: hey, we like each other a lot and we tried to make it work as lovers but that's not working...let's not just break off that emotional tie (abandon each other), but let's not talk for 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months. It doesn't have to be so final (that's what I'm telling myself about the current break up and maybe in a week the feeling to contact her won't be so strong and I can last another week until things have cooled down...of course none of that matters for me because she refused to talk to me when she picks up the phone).

Anyway, I totally agree with what you've said. When you're in an emotional state where it's not hurtful to call, call.

Phillygrrl

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:14am
I don't understand your post...of course you can and should contact an ex if you want to be friends with them after you're completely over them. But ONLY at that point.

I am friends with most of my exes but it took months and in some cases years to get to that point.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:28pm
I completely agree with Sheri. I think most of the poss say No contact in order for the person to be able to get over the ex and to move on. And although i thikn its possible to be friends after that I also think every situation shoudl be gauged independently as it may take one prson longer than the other to get over teh relaitonship and so one person contcting the other too soon may not always be the best thing.

I think its important to reiterate that every situation is different and that although i think it is great if exes can remain friends, people must be VERY careful when treading into those territories as feelings are strange beasts and can creep up one us when we least expect them. Also, if new partners are involved we must think of them and how they feel in the situation.

There is always going to be many ways to deal with a situation, as long as we are honest with ourselves and respectful of others, it will all work out. HOwever, we are also human, and no matter what good intentions we have sometimes, people can get hurt when we least expect it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 1:43pm
Hi Nikolina,

Jsut wondering if you are still on here sometimes and what is happening with you and your (ex)boy?! Did you phone him? Did u see him??

Hope you respond!

Samantha

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 3:29pm
I agree that being friends with one's ex would be a wonderful thing...once both parties have healed & moved on. I miss him very much but know that right now I can't contact him or be his friend. To think about him, let alone see him, with someone else would kill me. So I shall maintain my no contact. I will do my very best to move on. He told me that one day I wouldn't love him anymore and I hope that day is soon!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 3:45pm
LadyOphelia,

It's good to see you. I'm glad to hear that you are doing ok. I think you and I are around the same time frame with the break up. I'm at 2 1/2 mos and still struggling quite a bit. It's been about a month since no contact, if you don't count me calling him about 2 wks ago in a panic b/c my car wouldn't start. But I was able to handle the situation on my own, once I calmed down. I did talk to him though and when he asked how I was I told him "I think I'm over you" but then I had to add "well not over you, but definitely doing a lot better." I told him I called him out of panic and got off the phone quickly. It took me a while to get over that brief encounter. No contact is definitely the way to go. I'm fighting the urge to call him right now. But I know I won't b/c it won't change things.

Please update us on your progress...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 11:08pm
If you can make a friendship with your ex....that's great but I do feel you need to take that time away from them to let yourself heal...and to let your ex heal as well....and the best way to do that is say "Hey I want to be friends eventually but I just can't right now"....do no contact until you're both over one another and then attempt a friendship. That happened with my most recent ex and we're the best of friends now and I couldn't imagine my life without him. ALso keep in mind that not every ex is worth having as a friend and a kind relationship isn't always going to be possible with every ex. I hope you are doing well with your break-up and by all means do whatever works for you in this healing process. Good luck and keep us posted!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 10:48am


werent you afraid that he might forget you though? just forget all about you? I am trying this friendship thing but it just so hard to find the balance and figure out when to call, how often to call etc. I dont want it to be too much time cause I do want him to miss me (as a friend, nothing else) but I also want to give him the time to miss me

what is your suggestion?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:20pm
my ex wanted to be friends,

after he dumped me for being half black.

now the thing is nikolina.....

if a man can't be a boyfriend to you, if he slacks off on just the basics in a relationship,

then how the hell can he be a valualbe friend?

i dont beleive in being friends with an ex.

unless, you found out he is gay and in that case it is really a judgement call.

but when a guy is a jerk, just for the sake of being a jerk and then inssits on keeping ypour friendship---------- thats just too much.

i can have a much more meaningful "friendship" with my vibrator and a pint of ben and jerrys.