This might be helpful to everybody

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
This might be helpful to everybody
2
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:31am
I know I keep on posting things but you guys inspire me, what can I say..I hope nobody minds, I promise this is the last thread ill be starting

I think it is difficult for all of us to let go because we realize that even though there must be somebody else for us out there and things will eventually work out (and all other things we tell ourselves), we just lost a person that is UNIQUE. Never again will we find somebody with the same personality, exactly same qualities, same views..the person with those exact kind of quirks, exact kind of flaws we came to like so much..and that is why, i think, it hurts so much..

So, in my opinion, as I already said, I think we should first come to realization that it is OVER and come to terms with it (the most difficult part, i know) but then we should definitely not lose all contact and as soon as we feel ready get in touch with them again..be careful though, do not call them wearing your heart on a sleeve but call because you care about them as a person, not a lover anymore.

I know this is all difficult to do but it might help you in getting over them if you decide that your reward, for cleansing your heart, will be getting back in touch and saying 'hey, i do not want you back but care about you deeply as a person, let's be friends'.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:46am
I know that no contact is pushed here, but really --- it's not a 'rule' per se. It is just the recommendation from people who have been there, done that. Those of us that have been on the board for a while have seen too many posts where prolonged contact only brings the person misery. I personally knew that no contact was the best way for me (even without coming here). I could not have spoken to him without wanting to see him, could not have seen him without needing to touch him.....etc. However, I am now able to email him, and we have exchanged some email and have even cleared the air --- to sort of speak. But there is no way I could have done that when we first broke up. I would have over-analyzed every word and would have read too much into their meaning. If he had told me three months ago that he missed me and still thinks about me, I would have taken it to mean much more than it does. However, when he expressed those sentiments a few days ago, I can take it for what it means and nothing more. Those words would have given me false hope a while ago. Now, it makes me feel good to know that I was important enough, and had enough impact on his life that he hasn't totally erased me from his mind. But I also know that despite his compliments, he is still incapable of giving me the total commitment that I wanted from him. I can't accept any less than what I was giving him.

So the bottom line is -- as long as you are holding hope of getting back together and that is the main reason you are keeping contact, then you may set yourself up for major disappointment.

But no -- no one is advocating that you totally erase someone who was so special to you from your life forever. And if someone's ex has any consideration for them, they would understand and respect NC until the other person is ready. No contact is just a way to heal and regoup.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 11:59am
I agree. I'm friends with some of my ex's, but that's only after a long period of time and usually by that time I've met someone else. Everyone works in different ways, but for me to get over a previous ex, i usually had to meet someone new I was interested in. that could take a couple of months, or a couple of years. I usually feel that the rule of thumb for being friends with an ex is that if you can see them with another woman and not feel any emotion at all, or perhaps even happy, then you can be friends with the ex. In the past, i've even thought i was at that point, then i went to a party i knew the ex was at and saw him just talking to another girl and that made my stomach lurch. ooops, not ready yet! :)