long story--would love advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
long story--would love advice
3
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:05am
Hi all, I was on this board a lot a couple of years ago after a painful breakup. I met a girl who became my best email buddy and we still email back and forth almost every day. So I'm very fond of this place!

Here's my story. I'll try to keep it to a reasonable length. I'd appreciate any words of wisdom and advice you all have to offer...

In January of 2003, I met a guy through match.com. We hit it off immediately and had a very strong connection and chemistry. It was scary how in love I became with him and how inseparable we were. Things went very well for the first 7 or 8 months. We knew we wanted to get married and were very happy. He started having lots of issues come up in his life--financial issues (100% commission job), relationship issues with his ex (who he has a child with) and his mom (who is an alcoholic and was very controlling of him), a custody battle that cost lots of money and was emotionally draining, etc. These issues started chipping away at the good times and good feelings we were having and they became overwhelming for me. We broke up in Feb of 2004 but only stayed apart for 11 days. We were just miserable. His job has always been a big issue for me. I wanted him to have a "regular", stable job with a guaranteed salary (it doesn't have to be alot of money though) benefits, and no nights or weekend work like he has now. He said he'd get a new job. We got back together and the weeks started passing with no new job or much effort to get one. The same issues continued to be problems. I got very angry and resentful and was losing all respect I had for him.

In late July, the stress had gotten to be too much for me. I wasn't enjoying spending time with him. I broke up with him again, telling him he had lots of things in his life he needed to work on and I wanted him to focus on those things without me having to live them day to day. We had very little contact for 6 weeks (ran into each other twice but that was about it). When my birthday came in Sept, he told me he had gotten me a gift weeks before and he wanted me to have it. By this time, I had spent a lot of time away from him, was missing him, and was having more positive feelings towards him and the progress he was making in getting his life in order, so I agreed to have lunch with him on my birthday. We had a great time catching up, and even went to see a movie the next night. Since then, we've gotten together a couple more times (once at his place and once at mine) and really enjoyed our time together (all the while, keeping things very casual). We've told each other that we're not "back together", that we're just spending some time together to see how things are, and that there are no expectations or pressure. It's actually been very nice.

I'm starting to feel now though, that we're having a little more contact than may be healthy. He's emailing me or calling me nearly every day, and like I said, we've seen each other several times during the month. He has no desire to date anyone else, and of course, all this contact has made me feel like I can't move on that way either. We're in a weird place.

Things have changed for the better in his life in many ways. I am very proud of him for making these strides. But he still hasn't changed jobs (although he's tried a little) and I worry that it's just never going to happen.

I'm not sure how to proceed at this point. Any advice?

thanks!

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 11:35am
Tough call, Katie. It sounds like the one thing you really wanted to change, his getting a new job, really hasn't changed. It also sounds like he hasn't approached you about getting back together, which is probably what should happen. But it also sounds like the two of you really like and respect each other and enjoy being together. It's a really hard call.

The only way I would advise you to try again is if he initiates it. That may seem old-fashioned but I just keep hearing over and over and over again lately that men really do pursue women that they want. It sounds like he's pursuing you, but he's not clear about what he wants. But then again, you sound really confused as well. So that both of you may be giving each other mixed messages.

How about seeing a therapist? Have you considered that? If you've got thoughts of getting back together it could help you make decisions about where you are, where you're going and where you would like to be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:06pm
I agree with iamdelightful...maybe therapy of some kind would be a good idea. I think you're very lucky that you and your ex have such a civil relationship...but something needs to be decided. Right now it sounds like you are just waiting...you're in limbo, and believe me--I know from experience that being in limbo is the worst. It will slowly kill you if you aren't careful. You even said yourself that you feel like you can't really move on--so unless there's actually something worth holding onto, please don't just sit around waiting. Make a decision, with or without him...and good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 1:46pm
Thanks to both of you for reading that long post and giving me advice! Just to clarify a couple of things--he is very much wanting to get back together and pursueing things, but he knows if he doesn't take things slowly with me, I'll walk again. Not to say he's walking on eggshells or anything--he's not--he just knows that the reason we broke up was so we'd both have time and we still need more of it. I'd say we're both initiating things almost equally at this point. He calls or emails more, but he's been kinda leaving the seeing each other part up to me. I think he's worried he'll push too far. So that seems to be working ok now.

I do feel like we're in limbo right now, but it's not a bad feeling--if that makes sense. I feel pretty much at peace and don't mind waiting this out a little while to see where it goes. I figure it's really going to be determined by his actions so I don't feel any pressure to make things work or not work. He's the one who has all the issues in his life he wants to fix/better.

I guess I'm just struggling with the uncertainty of it all, but I'm not at my wits end or anything. It's just a position I've never been in before. He loves me more than life itself and always has, and I know most of the changes he's making in his life are being motivated by his desire to be with me again. I'm ok with that, regardless of where things end up with us, but only because all the things he's doing in his life are good for HIM as well. He realizes what great strides he's made and he's gained a lot of self confidence from this. And he's a wonderful person who treats me better than anyone I've even dated. I feel a little guilty sometimes about having this "Well, you fix everything in your life that bothers me, and then I'll consider a relationship with you again." It's not that black and white, but it seems that way sometimes.

I suppose there's nothing wrong with staying where we are until one of us gets unhappy with it or something changes to make us go one way or the other. The only thing that has made me a little uncomfortable when we're together is the fact that both of us would like to be intimate but we know that's not a good idea, given where we are right now. I'm afraid the emotions of that and the connection we'd feel would color where things stand in the reality of our everyday lives and progress.