Oh geez! All my fault?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Oh geez! All my fault?!
5
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 5:35pm
I keep rehashing & rereading every email we ever sent each other. I was able to go back even more than a year ago. Apparenlty, even back then I was mean, fighting with him, etc. I had a HORRIBLE habit of “testing” his love for me. I kept trying to break-up to see how he felt about me. Stupid & juvenile, right? He always wanted to work things out. He thought we had a future. But, why did I do this? How could I have done this to such a great man?! He claims that I ran him down, made him feel like crap, etc. I did. And, of course my constant attempts to “cry wolf” and breakup probably forced him further & further away. Of course he doubted my love for him!

I knew I had issues to work on, but I had no idea it had been going on for this long. Is this all of my fault? I am starting to feel so guilty. But, we could have just sat down & talked about all of this. We didn’t! We never really communicated about our problems at all. Just ignored them! Then, of course, the fights got worse & worse! That is not entirely my fault right? He was so bad about not reiterating his love for me, he would always avoid me whenever we made plans to talk, etc. My only real complaint about him…he was afraid of any kind of conflict! So, we never talked about anything too “controversial”. And, I guess that is why he went along with wanting to marry me….he was afraid to tell me the truth?!

Is this some sort of disorder? Do I have a disease or something I do not know of? Is this a form of “commitment phobia”? I am feeling like complete crap. It was all of my fault & I finally pushed this great guy out of my life for good. What do you do when you think you’ve lost the best thing in your life? Is there any chance to fix this? It seems that our only problem was these reoccurring fights. We never solved them in the first place, so it was a constant pattern. Couldn’t it be fixed if we learned to communicate? Or, have I just lost this guy for good?

Please don't be too harsh, I can't handle much more pain right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 6:00pm
No relationship you ever have with anybody will be any more secure, complete, satisfying, honest, or communicative than the relationship you have with yourself.

Your post is full of "why did I?" and until you know why - and you resolve those issues without someone involved - you'll never have someone involved very long or that you admire and respect and trust.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 6:17pm
cherjanlem... lots of people experience what you are going thru... you are just smart enough to have looked in the mirror and seen yourself there... I am no psychiatrist but some years ago I identified this pattern in myself and did a lot of work to get healthy emotionally... what it sounds like to me is a fear of abandonment... I was reading the Mars/Venus book and actually skipped the chapter on abandonment because it was not anything I needed to read... but then the flow of the book was messed up... so I went back and read that chapter... by the end I was in tears. Bingo... here was my issue! I was so terrified of being abandoned that I pushed away those I cared for... by driving them out of my life there was no risk that they could abandon me!!! I have dealt with this issue now... and sometimes still get scared in my relationships but I no longer push away those I love... it has not prevented me from being abandoned (here I am with a stb-x husband that walked out!) BUT it prevented me from making it happen... since working on this I have had long relationships where I used to date for a few months before driving people away with my actions...

I don't know if your ex will ever come back... but you have identified a problem within yourself... now you can get help so that you stop the pattern now. Then your next relationship will be better and healthier... good luck to you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Fri, 09-24-2004 - 6:28pm
You mention that you were always testing his love for you - maybe you can use this time to build your confidence and self-esteem. Because it sounds like you doubted that "someone like him" (in your mind, fabulous) could love "someone like you" (not all that great). If that's the root of your problem, you're not going to fix it by communicating, you're only going to fix it by feeling better about yourself (by building a life filled with activities and accomplishments that give you a sense of self-worth). Additionally/alternatively, ask yourself if you were testing to see if he'd love you "no matter what," if you were deliberately being as obnoxious as you could with him to see how much he'd take. If that's the case, it could be that you have problems with your parents/family, that you didn't feel loved by them. Lots of people play this game in adulthood, subconsciously trying to get a romantic partner to provide them with the unconditional love they never got from their parents. But only your parents have to love you no matter how much of an obnoxious brat you are, your romantic partners can't and won't be "tested" for long, they don't have a genetic tie to you and don't feel any instinctive desire to stick around for poor treatment. Don't feel guilty about it, it's done, and it's common enough, but explore whether that's the situation, because it's a pattern you'll repeat if so.

Ultimately, recognize that we all make MANY mistakes in relationships, and no relationship ending is a one-way street, both partners always contributed to it. Forgive yourself. But also do some self-improvement, if it seems appropriate - failed relationships can provide lessons we need to learn to make the next one work.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 7:04am
cherjanlem,

Take a deep breath, have you thought that perhaps the problem is him?

You said "I am feeling like complete crap. It was all of my fault & I finally pushed this great guy out of my life for good."

I have felt this many times in my life, only later to realize I was being mentally abused.

It takes 2 people to have a relationship -- when couples fight or fail to communicate, BOTH people had a hand in the problem. I'm not sensing that he is taking any responsibility for the way things are.

Lack of responsibility for one's actions is a hallmark of an abuser. He will make you feel it's all your fault.

Before you grapple with what you did wrong, perhaps it's wise to consider what he's bringing to the relationship. Are his actions and words making your relationship better or worse?

Constantly running you down does not help the relationship, particularly if he does that rather than bring joy into your life.

You may need to look into the overall health of your relationship. I'm not sugar-coating it -- your relationship and/or your partner may be abusive. If you suspect this, you owe it to yourself and any dependents to educate yourself.

I stayed with abusive men BECAUSE I was afraid of abandonment and never finding anyone as good as him.

What I have learned is that life is absolutely amazing when I live for me and answer only to myself. The only men I let into my life now are those who help me seize the joy of life. (Yes, after him, it too can be 'men' -- not just "man").

Best of luck

Kat

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Sat, 09-25-2004 - 11:39pm
Hi cherjanlem,

Your post hit me on so many levels because it could have been

written by me.

I think the constant drama chipped away at my ex's psyche, and the end

result was I lost him for good.

It's painful to examine our own role in the relationship, but there's

no doubt in my mind it stems from fear of abandonment.

I plan to work on my issues, and learn how to not repeat these type

of behavioral patterns in the future...but at the same time - recognizing that the breakup was NOT all my fault. My ex was the one who made the

conscious choice to stop trying (without ever communicating any

of this to me) and cross over the line to lying and cheating on me.

THAT was the deal-breaker....my worst fear became reality.

And yes, an inability to know how to truly communicate with each

other played a very important part in all of this.