I broke up because he can't love me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
I broke up because he can't love me
8
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 2:49pm
I have been with my partner a year now, and I totally love him and worked hard to keep him , but he has said for the last 5 months that he isn't sure if he wants to be in a relationship even though he says i've done nothing wrong and I am the best partner he's ever had and loves me.I waited and waited in hope that he would see what we have but he still can't answer meI am sooooo confused and can't stop crying. I called it off because I was going mad waiting and felt like I was not good enough, he is upset but has not asked me back.

I need advice please wether to let go or wait longer and how to stop hurting

Missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 4:35pm
I'm sorry to hear about your painful situation. But please let go...it doesn't sound as if there's anything to hold onto, even if you wanted to. I tried to hold onto nothing for 4 months and I've just recently decided to stop. You're in limbo and it's slowly killing you...waiting is the worst, especially if there's nothing there.

You said that your ex has been saying for the past FIVE months that he isn't sure he wants to be in a relationship. Well, he's certainly had enough time to figure that out...it sounds as though he's just kept you around anyways, either out of fear or boredom. You also said that he didn't ask for you back...well that's his loss now. I'm sure you're a great girl who deserves better...please don't wait around for this guy any longer. If it's meant to be, it will be...

It's difficult to stop hurting, believe me...but you CAN and you WILL do it. The pain eases a little bit every day...and over time, you will start to forget why you cared so much in the first place. Or you'll remember, smile and look back fondly on those memories...but you'll still be alright without him in your life. You will move on...I promise.

If possible, try to have no contact with him. I made the mistake of contacting/letting my ex contact me for the past few months, and all it did was make me feel lousy and hold me back from healing. I feel much better and stronger now that we don't have contact...now that I'm not sitting around hoping he'll get ahold of me. I've accepted that it's over between us, and will never be there again. You need to accept that as well...good luck!

Move on and find someone who is sure they want to be with you...who won't keep you hoping and waiting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 4:38pm
You may want to give it a little more time, say maybe a week or so before you call him. Sometimes men need a little space to clear their heads and see where direction they really want to go in.

I'm in the same predicament you're in but we were together 8 years and he still wasn't sure if he wanted things to progress to the next step. I ended up because it was hurting me waiting and knowing that he's been unsure for a long time. I won't call him because I know nothing will change in just a week but I'm hoping he one day realizes what I have to offer and makes up his mind.

I wouldn't call right away. Give him some time to see how things are without you. Hopefully, he'll realize that life can be better with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 7:14pm
Missy,

You're definitely on the right track. Breaking up with him was the best thing you could've done. Now move on.

You may want to pick up and read "He's Just Not that Into You" by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. The book and authors were featured last Wednesday (9/22) on Oprah. It will help you to understand guys better and move on when they aren't meeting your needs or acting wishy-washy about their feelings or commitment to you.

You deserve better!

All the best,

Heymum

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:34pm
Okay Missy, what exactly is going on. He claims he doesn’t want a relationship but does he have a sexual one with you. Because if so this is a more delicate situation than I thought. Please let me know more details so I may give some insight, "I always say don’t let them taste the milk, if they’re not ready to buy the cow." And most men do run around trying to taste milk, that their pockets/minds aren’t ready to purchase.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:27pm
Thankyou for ansrwering me, it really helps just knowing I'm not the only one thats ever been hurt, selfish as that is but just knowing others have recovered and become stronger is a great reassurance. You're right that this is killing me and I think the reason I'm living in hope is because he is the best relationship i've had yet and I wish he could see what I saw. But hey, it is slowly getting easier and i'm crying less. I have so much to give to someone but it drove me insane trying to get it back.

Thanks again

missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:31pm
Thanks loads for replying to me. It helps that he is on holiday with his friend right now and I totally agree that he needs time to know what it is like without me, I just hope he misses me as much as I am him. I wish you luck with your situation too, I admire you after 8 years and I hope he sees what he's missing.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:33pm
Thanks, I will definately check that book out.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:38pm
Thanks for your reply, yes we have been in a sexual relationship and there was times when he said he was really happy and that he can talk to me and I am the best girlfriend he's had. But in the mean time he's kept saying that he's not ready for a serous relationship and I tried to reassure him that I liked things as they were. after a year I assumed he would know but in the end it drove me nuts, especially as when we were together things were great and we were good together. I do not understand what went wrong or if I did anything. He was extremely upset when I ended it so he must feel something.

Missy