so confused, he offers a "compromise"

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
so confused, he offers a "compromise"
16
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 8:36pm
short version: i wanted to know where our relationship was going-certain things have made me feel a tad insecure and i wanted security and assurance for the future-so yes i pressured and pushed the issue. we have been together 2 plus years-i was spending lots of time and effort on the relationship-cause well, i love him. but i love me too and all i got when i brought up marriage was "im not ready"

well, a girl can only hear that for so long. it really brought me down-i thought arent i good enough? is he not sure he loves me? is this just a comfort zone for him? am i wasting time(im gonna be 30 soon and want kids)? what is holding him back ?-we've had ups and downs but a pretty good relationship-so i really questioned how he felt about me and decided it was time to go and not let him determine my life anymore.

so i left him and im not one to sit around so i went out on 2 dates in a matter of 1 week (both were not great but thats besides the point i got out there and did it!) and really started to try to accept the "end"

BUT- HE shows up at my house after the many calls and texts i didnt answer. he looked so sad and i didnt hesitate to throw myself right back into his arms. i just missed him so much and it felt so natural and right to be in his arms-and i know he feels the same, i really think he loves me, but this commitment issue has got him so scared-

so anyway-he asked me back with a compromise-not very romantic i know but its something.

he wants 3 months w/ me-if he wont commit by the end i am supposedly able to walk away and start my life knowing it will be without him. he said he doesnt want pressure-and he wants it to be special if he proposes-he want 3 months-(HUGE SIGH) i just dont know what to do anymore-

this is such a roller coaster-he has hurt me to the core and has a history of a few empty promises-yet his parents tell me how miserable he is w/o me and how he needs me in his life and they know he wants me forever-he is just "slow"

i guess i should be ecstatic-but it seems so clinical-so business like-3 month deadline.

sad part is i love him-i know i do deep in the core of my soul i love this guy-i want him forever, there is no other and he is not PERFECT, but for me he is. after all he has done and all the messing up-im still here tortured, cause i want him back and i know its a risk that he may not come thru. anyone have any suggestions? i am so confused:( at least he is away this week-gives me time to think (but i did see him and have sex with him before he left-i know i know-i just couldnt stop myself-its like its so easy for me to just fall right back in love and run to him when i thought i was doing so good forgetting)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 9:16pm
Well Angilena, be confused no more, girl. You stated that although you believe he's the perfect guy for you, on the other hand, he has made empty promises to you before and has hurt you to the core.

Why settle for someone like this and then try to build a future with him?

Don't you think you deserve better? You deserve to be with a man who loves and adores you and realizes you are a great catch! A man who wants to marry you, not one who wants to continue to stall and then ask for a three-month delay after you walk away.

You sit there feeling tortured only because you're allowing it. You want him and want to be married to him in the worst way, but face it -- he doesn't feel the same. He wants all the perks and goodies of marriage WITHOUT being married TO YOU. Why take the risk of sticking around for another three months, only to have to walk away for good?

Let this guy go girl because he's just not that into you. Walk away NOW so you can clear the way for a man who will feel as passionately about you as you now feel for this guy, AND who will want to prove it by marrying and building a life with you.

All the best,

Heymum



Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-26-2004 - 9:57pm
Hmm. I'd be inclined to give him the three months, if you really love him and feel he is right for you in every way *except* this commitment issue. I know I'd be tortured by the "what ifs" if I didn't do it.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:53am


Hi Angilena.. remember me, Joel? I’m sorry to see you back – how odd that I just popped in and there your name was. I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through as well. My thoughts, for what this counts, are with you.

I like what you said in an earlier post – I read around your situation – about, “I’m a great catch and if I tell a guy I want to spend my life with him, I expect him to rush to the jewellery store” and so you should – agree with you totally there. you are good enough – it just looks like he isn’t.

Good luck with the three months thing. To your own self be true though. If it really makes you happy and its worth fighting for then fight for it. At the moment it seems to be putting you in turmoil.. you shouldn’t be in turmoil, you should be happy! I hope you will be one day soon.

I’m pretty much the same. Still working with the ex and now she is going out with another ex-colleague of ours! No escape! I’m cool with it though. I’m not seeing anyone and haven’t for some time, but that’s fine. Right now I need me time – I don’t know what to do with it all of the time, but I know that I need it! What I try and remember, and what you should do to, is that you have a great love story ahead of you.. how much fun is that going to be once it gets started!

Best,

Dave/joel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:38am
Hi Angilena,

Ultimately it is up to you. If it were me though, I think if I didn't give the relationship these last few months I would always wonder "what if?" I would try not to put any pressure on him & just take these few months out for YOU. Do some things you enjoy, hang out with friends, engage in hobbies, and try not to focus so much on the relationship. I know... difficult to do!!! But I believe that what is meant to be will be, and no matter what happens in a few months you'll be prepared to move on with your life either way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:23pm
Now off the bat I would like to say that I certainly get the impression that you have a good head on your shoulders. Although it is very clear that you love your man dearly, you are aware of your needs too. Your coming to the age where you would want to settle down and have a family....not to your mention your clock it ticking as well. After reading your posting, one of the questions that peaked in my mind is how old is your man? As well as his occupation, is it a secure one, is he happy, could he alone provide for you and a family. I ask this because it seems like he is scared of a commitment not necessarily he doesn’t want one. You and his family communicate? You did say that they told you he cant live without you, well why is he jeopardizing you then?? I wanted to laugh when I heard " 3 months" it makes no sense to me. What does he need to accomplish in those three months, some alone time, some thinking, brainstorming? You and him have been together for a good chunk of time, and he needs to realize this and openly communicate with you. What are his fears about committing? I don’t blame you at all for wanting to pressure him, but do be very cautions because with pressure comes nagging, then aggression, which could lead to distance, he may begin to think he cant talk to you and tell you what he's really feeling. If he loves you and knows that he wants you to one day be the mother of his children, and its clear that you already are ready for that, then you need to hold on to each other and find a solution. Not 3, 4 months....it cant be a timed solution, it needs to be a reasonable and scheduled out solution. Find out first why is he scared, and if it has nothing to do with other females, he’s not done with his frat life, etc. then try to be patient. I know it will be difficult but then you both can approach this stage together, and that’s what its about right? Being together, and there for each other. He may in fact really need you now....but there’s something that lies beneath which is making him scared to pull up his pants? Good luck and let me know what happens!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 1:35pm
Three months is a reasonable request...but it should be spent APART! Otherwise, I think you're just serving as his private nursemaid who is weaning him gradually off the good stuff. If both of your love for each other is strong enough, it will weather three months easily. If it doesn't, better to find out now. Having married early and having five children, I can't relate to the "ticking clock" issue as well as some. But I can tell you that being in a one-sided marriage is like life in a coffin. For seventeen years I was chained to a man who I know didn't love me and only stayed married out of a sense of duty. Not receiving love from the only person in the world you want it from will slowly suck the life right out of you. Suicide was often on my mind in those days. Children are no quick-fix either. While they may distract you from your marital problems for a time, there WILL come a day when the problems rear their ugly heads again...this time your innocent children will be involved. Mine have suffered terribly through a violent and hateful divorce, have been though therapy, gotten in trouble with the police, and even run away from home and lived on the street for a time. It is a direct result of two people marrying who had no business marrying, or even being friends, in the first place. Not trying to be a downer, but if my unhappy experience can serve as a warning to prevent others from rushing into an unwise marriage, then I need to say it. Good luck with your decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 7:55pm
Perhaps he is using the 3 months to save up for the engagement ring! BUT, I would not stick around one minute longer than 3 months if he doesn't "come though". Is he younger than you? Just not ready to settle down? Do you think he is insecure too, maybe about his ability to provide for you and a family? 2 years is just about enough time to really tell if you could be with someone long-term. But if the potential isn't there, then it's time to move on, however painful it may be. Give him the chance to recogize the potential. Hopefully, he will. Don't remind him or even speak of his little "self-imposed deadline." If he comes to you at the end with a diamond, I know you it'll be alright! If not, then quietly walk away.
Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 1:44pm
hi everyone thanks to all you wonderful advice givers and support givers. this site is so great, a real help. Joel honey, i am so happy to hear from you and so glad that it sounds like you came out of that dark scary place we call break-up.

drlove-to answer some q's he is 36 i am almost 30! he is tangibly secure finances, job ect all in a good place. not a "guys guy" not a partier at all. he is just not in such a "rush" and wants our relationship to be in a "better place" meaning no argument, pressure ect. he wants alittle more time-its a huge step ect. after hearing enough of that crap

i was GONE!!!-truly moving on 100% for a whole week- DATES AND ALL. he couldnt stand it so he had to come up with this compromise to "hang on" and disable my leaving-he has to squeeze 3 more months out of me-well hmmmmm....ummmmm

i dont want it to go down that way-the 3 months- i saw sincerity in his wanting some time for us to get in a "good place"-we were arguing pretty bad over this commitment issue only, other wise we were pretty ok besides some minor trust issues which i feel are mostly resolved (he was a free man and could have the eX back or any other chic for that matter) but he cant let go of me.

I JUST DONT WANT A GUY to come to me with a ring out of fear that ill leave-i want him to come b/c he wants to. perhaps he is the kind that needs a kick in the butt to commit already-but thats just not my style. he has to give me the ring on his own no pressure

(SIGH) oh god i could be kicking myself new years day but at least i dont have to worry that he just did it to appease me temporarily.

i just have to give it another chance without pressure and with out a time limit- he is away now and when he comes back i dont even want to talk about it-i wanna just be and maybe then...ill get the commitment even sooner, or if not ill stay til i want to go again. i know i know-feel free to slap some sense into me for being hopeless and possibly stupified by love-but i gotta go another round- i do still love him.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 3:50pm
Ok, you asked for some sense slapping, and I'm going to give it to you. Angilena, you've got to be kidding me, dear. TWO YEARS! You've been with this man for two years and he's still not sure he wants to marry you and you honestly think that three months is going to make a difference? I doubt it. I really doubt it. I mean I hope that for your sake I am wrong. I hope that in three months you post a message to all of us letting us know that you just got engaged, and I hope that the engagement leads to a happy marriage, but based on my experience with guys who don't want to get married (and I have been with several) they usually don't want to and they don't change their minds.

When I was 25 I was with a guy for a couple of years. I left him because he didn't want to get married. We remained friends, talked every day and he got me to go back to him by promising that he would marry me. Within a month of us getting back together he wouldn't even discuss marriage ... wouldn't even talk about it on a theoretical basis. This man is now 53 and he still isn't married (although he has lived with someone for over ten years).

I think you need to decide what YOU want and then stick to your guns. You have two years of experience with this man. Don't you think that you deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you after two years, someone who can't wait to propose? Instead you have a guy who needs three more months of no-pressure, don't bother me, let's see if we can get through this period without arguing and then maybe I will feel 100% sure that it can work. This is nonsense. I know you love him, but to the outsider this guy sounds like a self-involved baby who is just trying to squeeze three more months of loving from you while giving you empty promises. I think you deserve better.

My suggestion to you is to tell him that you love him very much but that you would really like to be married. Then leave. Tell him that if he ever changes his mind about marrying you to contact you. Do not give him three months. What will happen after that? Will he ask for another three months? You shouldn't be having to pressure a man to marry you after two years. He should want to marry you. And I really think if after two years that he doesn't that he will probably never want to ...

You're still young. Don't spent another two years on this man. The 30's go by very very quickly. I wish someone had told me that when I was 30. (I'm 41 now and still not married.)

So I can understand if you love him wanting to give him another chance, but really, we're talking two years. What is it that he hopes three months will accomplish? I just don't get it. I really just don't get it. Sounds to me like he's just buying time and you deserve better. And I'm sure you can do better.

Avatar for angilena
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 4:58pm
a very sad hello to you delightful,

jeeze i was just convincing myself this was all ok, this 3 months, this uncertainty, this going back w/ no pressure to get what i need from him. i thought i understood, i convinced myself he had some ground. after all marriage is a big deal, its forever!-and then i read that post from you and i just wanna cry.

i know in my heart that i am worth a guy who will jump at the chance to do 4ever w/ me, not one i wait around for to one day finally give in. but if he just wants to just "keep me around" for benefits i feel our relationship would be different and i would feel extremely used which i dont. AND anytime i walk away, why does he follow and cont to follow? just to torture me? he himself must be tortured and torn, ive analyzed it a million times and i just cant get it. right now im thinking maybe it really hit him and he just wants to have time to get the ring, let our arguments die down, get along nicely and actually have a romantic proposal, maybe thats what 3 months is about-i just dont know anymore-

but i had to tell him im removing the deadline, i guess i have my own internal deadline that i am not aware of yet that will tell me when enough is enough-it sure got pretty darn close this last time i walked away after the marriage discussion turned into a traumatic upheaval, for the first time i actually forced myself to go out on dates and really felt secure in my decision to leave this commitphobe and move on.

but him wanting me back so badly, rationalizing everything, telling me his side-it just makes my head spin! a few months wont make or break me at this point. plus the big difference is i am so concentrating on more of my stuff than before and not putting a ton of energy on him and "us" grrrrr...i could see it now-its 6 months from now and i ask him so whats up w/ our future and he says "well you really havent been dedicating enough to this relationship to make it grow, we need more time" at that point someone will have to stop me from sterilizing him medieval style!

thanks for your sharp input, i certainly need all i can get.

l, a

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