better if he left...dont want him to go!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
better if he left...dont want him to go!
10
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 12:58am
this is my first post....i always read message boards and figure maybe someone here can offer some advice.I am 24 and this is my second long term relationship. My boyfriend (of over a year) and I just broke up on the 24th(Friday night)and he has been living with me for a year now. so we both decided that neither of us were happy although we have a lot of fun togeter, we ended our relationship. Our relationship wasnt bad...but it wasnt great. trouble is , he is still living with me(sleeping on the couch) and i think its harder with him being here everyday to try to get over it, but i dont want to tell him to move out b/c then i will really be alone and he will really be gone for good....should i just let it go and tell him to move out or maybe try to work things out even though hes not really willing to try again? Also i am VERY upset about up breaking up...cry myself to sleep every night and yet it seems to not bother him at all!!
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:14am
Hi,

You need closure hun, and you won't get that if he's still living with you. He needs to move out. I know it's a hard thing to do, but you need to tell him to leave. That way you can both sort out what is going on in your heads, cause you can't do that when you are together. I'm sorry for the loss of your relationship. Things will get better....eventually! But you have to take that first step. If he's not willing to try, don't try to force it. You don't want to be part of a relationship where one person doesn't want to be in it, but doesn't know how to leave. trust me. End it now. Let him go. Or at least start to let him go.

Hugs,

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 11:30am
I agree. As difficult as it may be right now, you need to start letting him go... and him moving out is the first step!!! Hopefully he will cooperate & not makes things harder than they already are. Have you talked to him about moving out yet? Good luck and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 2:22pm
I am assuming your name is Jodi, (jodirocks??) well hopefully it is because Jodi does rock. First off I would like to know does your ex pay any bills, does he have a job, and why after you two broke up and your hurt and upset about the break up but you feel like he doesn’t even care but yet he is still in your house? First off, never be afraid to be alone, like I say "We were born alone, and we will die alone, no matter if we have, kids, a husband, a billion dollar bank account, you can’t take anything but yourself to the after life!" But I just want to know why is he still in your life, if you said he doesn’t want to take another shot at it. It seems to be that he is mooching, and just taking up space. Before I can really comment, and try to give you some insight I am going to need some myself. Let me know what’s going on Jodi, because have no fear Dr. Love is here!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 7:05pm
Yes he does give me enough money to pay my rent, although we both quit our jobs two weeks ago. He has been staying at his moms house for the past couple of nights which has been good but lonely. He came over to visit me last night because he really wants to be friends still and he said it feels like he lost a best friend that he couldnt hang out with anymore because it feels awkward. He said he doesnt want to hang out with me too much and give me false hope and hurt me even more than he has. He said that it makes him sad knowing how much i'm hurting, but it is getting easier (for me) day by day. i like it when he stops by or just phones me to see how i'm doing because then i know he does still care. Hes looking for a place of his own but until then he's gonna stay at his parents cause he knows its hard for me to try to let him go if hes here all the time. So yeah...things are getting better...i'm accepting the fact that i just have to deal with the fact that he is still going to be around me, but it really doesnt bother me that much anymore.i dont wait around for him to ask for me back or even come and visit me...if he does, he does, and if he doesnt, he doesnt..i'll just go on with my new life...and hopefully new job soon!! Anyways i just wanted to reply to the responses that i got and thank you all so much...you made a real difference in how i've handled the past couple days..its awesome to know that you guys are out there to help a stranger in need...i wish there were more people like all of you!!thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 11:43pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm so sorry to hear about the pain you're going through and I know it's hard but I think it would be much easier on you.....if you asked him to move out. The longer he's there the longer and harder it will be to get over him. Good luck and keep us posted...we're here if you need us no matter what you decide to do.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 10:14am
Jodi,

Like everyone else has told you, him moving out is the best thing to do. Seeing him there all the time will just make the pain worse, at least I know it would for me. Then it will just be even harder to get over it and move on. The sooner you two can distance yourselves to figure out what each wants in life and from a long-term relationship, the better. Hang in there, I know that's easier said than done, but one day you'll look back on this relationship as a learning experience. Sorry for your pain, we've all been through it and are here for you. Keep us posted!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 10:40pm
Hey all!!

Its been awhile since my last post but i thought i'd update you all and get an opinion on something. It's been almost a month since we broke up and i'm doing really good. I still see my ex on occasion. he finally moved in with a friend...but still has a key to my house. I tried to get it back by saying my brother was housesitting for me while i went on holidays...but then he offered to house sit! And of course i was too chicken to say no. He moved out to the country...about 20 min from town...and said that when he comes into town he only has my place and his parents place to go to if he need anything...so that makes me feel like he should have a key...but on the other hand...i sometimes am uncomfortable with the fact that he just walks in here like he still lives here. i enjoy seeing him and have accepted the fact that we are friends and never anything more. So i feel like if i ask him to give me his key back...he'll think i have something to hide(like having other men over or something ridiculous like that)and i dont want to hurt his feelings...and have him not come by once in awhile...so yeah...thats my story and any advice would be very appreciated.Thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 12:09am
get your key back...he is using you as a cushion....you need to move on and not worry about his feelings...he did not worry about yours
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 6:00pm
Congrats! Sounds like you are doing great......that's awsome.

Change your locks. There is no reason that someone needs a key to your apartment. It would be completly inappropriate for him to get upset about that. You need to do what is best and most secure for you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:47pm
It's great to hear from you again, Jodi!! I'm glad you're doing good and I can understand you not wanting to hurt his feelings but I would have a problem knowing he had a key....even if I did completely trust him. I would probably just get the lock changed....he wouldn't find out about it unless he tries coming into the house and what reason does he have for that?? Anyway, I wish you luck no matter how you handle the situation. Thanks for the update!!
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