He's going back to his ex fiance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
He's going back to his ex fiance
2
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:59am
I was dating this guy for about two months. The first few month or so were great - we had alot of fun, he was sweet and open and affectionate. He told me he felt so comfortable around me and felt appreciated by me for being just the way he is. I felt the same way about him too. All the men I had met before him, I always had that one big BUT. But with this guy, I was so scared because there really wasn't anything wrong with him, except that he was engaged to his ex for three months last year. He was open about that, told me they got engaged after 6 months of dating and he did it half-heartedly because he felt pressured into it. She told him that it would make her happy to be married and he wanted to make her happy. But things didn't work out because he realized that alot about their relationship was about her and not them, with him making almost all the compromises. He called off the engagement after three months, but they dated another three. He eventually ended things with her in March this year.

We started spending time together beginning of August but were already casually hanging out and talking for about a month before that. I was always wary about the fact that he was once engaged but he always appeared like he was over her. It helped that she was out of town all summer until about a month ago. Unfortunately, on hindsight, he did start to get a little distant from that point on. I know he wasn't cheating on me because we were spending almost everyday with each other, and he's one of those guys that can't even handle casually dating more than one girl at a time. I think it was a case of her being back in town that may have set off some nostalgia.

Anyway, the bottomline is that he called things off last Thursday. I was on a work trip and called him and he told me on the phone that he realized he still had feelings for his ex and that he wants to work things out with her. It came as such a shock to me because just two days before that he seemed fine, and worse yet, before I left on the trip, he was his usual affectionate self. I guess I'm hurting so much because it came so suddenly. We've talked about things since then and he said I was amazing to him, had never had anyone treat him better than I had, but that the timing was wrong and he wasn't ready for me. I've not questioned him on why things were so sudden and what drove him to suddenly think about his ex, but I have a feeling it's because he had proposed to her last September and this time of the year is probably bringing back some memories.

I guess there's nothing much to be said about the situation. I'm writing because I need some encouragement and support. It hurts so deeply that just over a week ago he was holding me, kissing me and telling me he missed me and now he's holding someone else in his arms. I try not to think about it too much, but I can't help hurting! I want to gain some closure on this, learn from this experience and move on.

Thanks in advance for any kind of support or encouragement!

Jaded74

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 11:27am
You know what? It is a celebration for you because you got off easy. I know you are hurt now, and your extremely confused, I would be too if some "little boy" was holding me a week ago and telling me how much he cared about me, and now is holding someone else. But what’s great about this situation is that you no longer will waste your time. You are too good for a boy like that, and I can make that determination simply from you explaining his proposal to his ex. Marriage is a wonderful, beautiful, holy ceremony. (at least it use to be, until people began to marry more then they showered) No one should be rushed, pressured, or even steered towards marriage before they are ready, because it takes two. Now of course women are usually ready a whole lot quicker then men are, but that’s a totally different topic. Point blank, this is a man who proposed to make someone happy for the time being, does that make any sense…NO! He wasn’t ready, knew he wasn’t, but still did it. Like a child, instead of begin a grown man, explaining to his ex I love you but I am not ready to move to that stage with you yet, not necessarily meaning that I wont be soon but just not now, he lied. Told his ex okay, got her a ring a proposed. I wouldn’t be surprised if she got on this message board in a couple of months too. Like I always say honesty is the best policy, and if you’re not real to yourself there is not way in the world you can be real to anyone else. So be okay, and jaded no longer, because everything happens for a reason. And you were better off leaving this boy alone, and he’s right he probably wont find a women who treats him as well as you do, nor is he ready, I agree.....but you are ready for something real and it'll be no time before you find it!
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 4:06pm
I am so so sorry for your pain jaded. It sounds to me like you did everything you could to make a good relationship with this person and he basically flaked out on you. It also sounds like there was nothing you could have done. Like there's nothing about you that made him back off or anything. He basically sounds unreliable, and it's kind of scary in a way, right? Because after all, he did reassure you that he was over her and then it turned out that he wasn't. If you're like most women, you may beat yourself up for a while, wondering if there wasn't something you could have done to change the outcome. Or you'll say to yourself that you should have known better; maybe you'll wonder why you didn't act on your instinct at first to be wary of him because he had broken an engagement ... and on and on ...

I know this hurts. Breakups always hurt, particuarly when the relationship was basically good. I don't know what to tell you. I feel your pain. I hear your sadness. I've been there, although not in the exact same situation you're in. I'm here for you. Feel free to email me if you want to obssess and write about him endlessly. I'll read every word you write.

We're all going through the same thing and we're here for you.