my ex is back...i feel guilty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
my ex is back...i feel guilty
4
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:27pm
Hi everyone! Just a quick summary of what happened to me a few months ago. My boyfriend and I had been dating for 7 months and out of no where, he dumped me. He told me at the time that the reason he broke up with me was because he wasn't "feeling it" as much for me anymore. He didn't call me for 2 months. I got a few random texts, but nothing big. I was devastated! After about 1 1/2 months I gave up on him and told myself that he was never coming back. So, I started dating someone. The guy I started dating was nothing but a hook-up. We both decided that we didn't want a commitment from eachother. I didn't want a commitment because I was still in love with my ex, and I knew it wasn't fair to the other guy, but we had so much fun together. I won't lie...it was all about sex. I'm very attracted to this other guy, but I'm so in love with my ex. I guess I was trying to fill a void. I know it's wrong, but I was having fun.

About 2 weeks ago, my ex called me. We talked for hours. He explained to me what his real reasons were and how he missed me so much. He said he got freaked out because we were doing the long distance thing and he figured I would never move away to be with him. He still doesn't know what he wants, he just knows that he misses me. I told him that if he ever wanted to get back together with me, he would have to work his butt off to prove it to me. He agreed, and he's called me everyday since, and now he's visiting me in a couple weeks. I'm so excited to see him. My problem is that I feel so guilty and horrible that I was with someone else. I know it's none of his business, because he stopped talking to me for two months and I seriously thought I might never hear from him again. But, I still feel so guilty. I feel like a horrible person. I know if he ever found out, it would hurt him so bad. Part of me knows it's none of his business, and he can't expect me to wait for him forever, and the other part of me wishes I would have waited a little longer for him to come around. I feel like I have messed up so bad. I'm also so scared that he'll find out about the other guy. Should I tell him? I'm so confused on what to do or how to feel! Any suggestions or opinions would help. Thanks for reading!

pinky

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:33pm
It's none of his business, just as it's none of your business what he did while you were apart. Don't ask, don't tell.

Sheri

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:40pm
Pinky, I don't mean to let you have it and I'm sorry if I sound insensitive, but puhleeeze. Get over this guilt. It's useless. The guy left you. He said he didn't want to be with you anymore. You broke up. You didn't owe him ANYTHING, and to top it off, you don't even know if it's going to work ou the second time around. So please, do yourself a favor and forgive yourself for doing whatever it is you've done wrong. And in my opinion you haven't done anything wrong. You're right. It's none of his business. Keep it that way. And just be careful, ok? Sometimes relationships that didn't work out the first time don't work out the second time either, unless either or both has made significant changes. Is that the case in your situation?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 5:48pm
Please don't apologize. I agree with everything you just wrote. Thank you! I'm just feeling confused. I don't know if he's changed or not. He lives in Colorado and I live in California, so I haven't seen him since we broke up. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself and hope that he's changed, because I know there's a huge chance that he hasn't. Who knows? But, I also know that I love him so much and I'm willing to give it a try. He calls me all the time...I never call him. I know he's trying. Now I guess I just wait to see what happens when he visits in a couple weeks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 09-28-2004 - 6:24pm
Welcome to the board. I really don't think you have any reason to feel guilty altough I understand you can't control your emotions that easily. He broke up with you.....and didn't talk to you for 2 months so you moved on to someone else...even if it was just for sex. Who's to say he hadn't moved on in that time also?? The odds are he either went with someone shortly or thought about it at least. I don't feel that you *HAVE* to tell h im about it but if it comes up....don't lie or he'll later find out you lied and will have trouble trusting you. I personally would wait until it came up but if it's *REALLY* eating at you and the only way to get off your chest is to tell him....then go for it....just be prepared for his reaction. Just be careful and don't make things too easy on him...I'd hate to see him hurt you again. Good luck and keep us posted.
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