help...
Find a Conversation
help...
| Tue, 09-28-2004 - 9:25pm |
My boyfriend just broke up with me. We were best friends for a year after we first met, during which he developed quite a crush on me. At first I didn't want to get involved like that--I wasn't interested in dating at the time and he was my first boyfriend--, but I eventually decided that he deserved a shot. At first it was great... he thought he was so lucky to have managed to get me, etc., etc. and he made me feel so good about myself. I had always had self-esteem issues, so... I was rather clingy. He didn't mind it at first, but eventually started getting irritated with it, and finally, he just became plain angry--he has a temper and would throw insults at me. Of course, the insults made me even more insecure, and I clung to him more... and eventually, he broke up with me this Spring. After a while, though, he said he missed me and we got back together. We agreed that I'd work on being less clingy, and he'd work on making me feel loved. In my opinion, he never really did... he tried when he was happy, but he'd be the same when he was angry. I confronted him about this several times, and he promised to work on it more, but never really made any changes that I could notice. So then a few days ago, he broke up with me again, saying that I'd never changed and nothing was fixed. He said that, though he still loved me, he couldn't deal with it anymore... I've been trying to make him realize that if he just changed his manner a bit, everything would be fine, but he wouldn't listen to any of it--he said that he didn't care enough about us to try anymore... I miss him so much and would really like to have him back... and at the same time, I want to make him realize how horribly he's been treating me--to make him hurt like he has and is making me hurt... but in the end, I still want him back and... I feel so abandoned and lost...

It sounds to me like your relationship was very one-sided.
I don't mean to be harsh. I understand that you're hurting and you want this person back in your life. But when someone doesn't want to be with you there's nothing really you can do to make them come back.
It also sounds like your self-worth is based on whether or not a man loves you, and that's a sure road to disaster. Take some time to be by yourself. Develop one or two good friendships, if you can. Spend time thinking about yourself, your likes and dislikes, your goals in life, what you care about, what you need to make you happy. And then go about seeking the things you need to make you happy, by yourself. Once you do that you can enter a relationship from a position of strength, not neediness.
Take some time for yourself, away from this person and don't contact him for a month. See how you feel after the month is over. In the meantime, you might want to read How to Survive the Loss of a Love at: http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm
Good luck getting through this rough time. We are here for you and we've all been where you are. Please feel free to email me if you want to chat more.
Laura
He keeps sending me messages on AIM, asking me how I am. When I said that I probably shouldn't and wouldn't talk to him and that I was perfectly fine, he at first said "ok..." but then said "c'mon, talk to me." I just told him that I really was fine, and he told me to tell him about my day (when we were best friends, everyday when we got home from school and started talking online, the first thing we'd do was to ask eachother to describe our days, class by class--it continued until last school year, when we were pretty much in all of eachother's classes). I gave him a short overview of what happened and let the conversation drop... we haven't said anything to eachother since. I'd resolved to talk to him no more than he asked of me (no speaking to him until spoken to, shortest answers possible without being too rude, etc.) in hopes that if I showed him that I can be independent and okay without him for a while, that he'd miss me and come back. I guess what I want to ask is... do you think that's plausible for me to hope for? If the clingyness, which seems to be essentially the only thing he dislikes about me, goes away... shouldn't everything be solved...?
I suppose that's a big if, right? You sound a lot more confident in this post than you did in your first post. I wonder why.
Could you be feeling more confident because he keeps trying to contact you? You might want to consider asking him not to contact you anymore. Since he's decided he doesn't want to be your boyfriend, maybe you should take some time by yourself to figure out what you want.
You may be able to change yourself (your clingyness, etc)...but you cannot change him.
These parts of your post caught my eye:
"We agreed that I'd work on being less clingy, and he'd work on making me feel loved. In my opinion, he never really did... he tried when he was happy, but he'd be the same when he was angry. I confronted him about this several times, and he promised to work on it more, but never really made any changes that I could notice."
and
"I miss him so much and would really like to have him back... and at the same time, I want to make him realize how horribly he's been treating me."
Honestly hun, you CAN'T make him love you...you CAN'T make him want to be with you...you CAN'T make him treat you the way you deserve. It sounds like he has some issues with taking his anger out on you--and sure, everybody has their bad days....but in the end, only HE can decide how he wants to handle it. You've told him how you feel and you've asked him to work on it...but if he doesn't want to change, he won't. You can't save a person from themselves...believe me, I've learned that from experience. My ex has a lot of issues and I really wanted to be there for him because of that...I wanted to help him get over those issues, make him "all better." But I've realized over time that it's up to him...not me. I can't do anything to help if he won't let me, if he doesn't want to change himself.
It's fine to voice your opinions, and you should DEFINITELY stand up for yourself...but just remember that you can't make someone do something they don't want to. Work on your own problems (the clingyness, for example) and let him deal with his. You deserve better than what he is able to give you (at least right now). And just for the record, telling him how horribly he treats you probably isn't going to win you any points...you already let him know what you want him to work on. Now it's up to him.
It's tough loving somebody who treats us like crap, isn't it? I don't quite understand why we still do it...maybe that's what they call "unconditional love." Why do we put up with those who treat us badly? You really didn't sound happy in the relationship you had with him, and like I said--there's nothing you can do now. The ball is in his court...but until he decides to make a move, please don't continue letting him treat you badly!!!
** Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. **
--- (8:19:41 PM): yui
--- (8:19:45 PM): can we talk for a little bit?
silentfirefly (8:19:53 PM): sure
--- (8:20:28 PM): i want you to know that i still want to do stuff with you
--- (8:20:36 PM): i miss you
--- (8:20:36 PM): just
--- (8:20:43 PM): i didn't like the relationship;
--- (8:20:48 PM): cause i thought it was only getting worse
--- (8:21:00 PM): but i do still love you
--- (8:22:32 PM): i just wanted you to know that
silentfirefly (8:23:58 PM): i don't like the idea of "friends with benefits" or anything of that nature because it feels like "i just wanna have fun with you and not care about you afterward"
--- (8:24:10 PM): i know, i know,
--- (8:24:13 PM): i'm not looking for that
--- (8:24:15 PM): i just mean
silentfirefly (8:24:25 PM): and you're right-- i didn't like what the relationship was either
--- (8:24:35 PM): that i don't want there to be this awkward distancing
silentfirefly (8:25:22 PM): look-- i'm showing you how independent i can be
silentfirefly (8:25:39 PM): so if you wanna try to work things out, fine, let's talk
silentfirefly (8:25:52 PM): if not, then... there's nothing else
--- (8:25:53 PM): ok
--- (8:25:58 PM): can we just be friends for a while?
--- (8:26:01 PM): and then try again?
silentfirefly (8:27:35 PM): i'm not gonna sit here and wait for an indefinate period for you
--- (8:27:47 PM): then don't wait
--- (8:27:52 PM): let's just be friends
--- (8:27:57 PM): and if it happens again, then it does
silentfirefly (8:28:45 PM): you know that that's going in the wrong direction, don't you...?
--- (8:29:01 PM): how is it?
silentfirefly (8:29:36 PM): if you're trying to compromise, here's a tip
silentfirefly (8:29:51 PM): if i disagree, don't tip it more toward your side
--- (8:31:40 PM): what do you want?
silentfirefly (8:32:37 PM): i wanna be loved, and i wanna be loved now
silentfirefly (8:33:11 PM): i'm perfectly willing to give you time to yourself-- infact, i was even going to suggest that we designate a few days of the week as "alone days"
--- (8:33:13 PM): i just
--- (8:33:16 PM): i don't think we can do that now
--- (8:47:19 PM): can we plese still be friends, though?
silentfirefly (9:12:44 PM): why don't you think we can do that now?
--- (9:20:35 PM): nothing'll change
silentfirefly (9:22:17 PM): nothing'll change no matter what unless we both decide that we want to make an effort to change... and i don't think taking a break addresses the problem-- it only avoids it
--- (9:25:29 PM): can't we try it?
silentfirefly (9:32:12 PM): ...then wouldn't it be better if we just
silentfirefly (9:32:44 PM): stopped seeing eachother outside of like... school for a while? wouldn't it be a more complete break?
--- (9:34:56 PM): no
--- (9:35:14 PM): i want to still be able to see you
--- (9:35:17 PM): just as a friend
--- (9:35:25 PM): remember how much more i wanted you when we were just friends?
--- (9:35:34 PM): i think that's what i need to fix myself
silentfirefly (9:36:55 PM): you'll want me more if you can't have me at all =P
--- (9:37:54 PM): >_<
silentfirefly (9:43:39 PM): ...why is it that you're so determined to have the friends thing?
--- (9:44:57 PM): because i like you ^^
--- (9:45:09 PM): it feels empty without you
silentfirefly (9:59:31 PM): ...all the better? ^^;
--- (10:01:49 PM): >_<
silentfirefly (10:24:13 PM): it seems that the only logical way to erase your doubt is to further illustrate my independence
--- (10:26:52 PM): i don't soubt your independence
--- (10:27:05 PM): i'm not even saying it's a problem just with you
silentfirefly (10:36:49 PM): honestly... wouldn't my being involved just complicate the process?
--- (10:37:31 PM): i dunno
--- (10:37:39 PM): i'm just telling you how i feel, ok?
--- (10:37:49 PM): and i want you around
silentfirefly (10:57:43 PM): out of curiosity
silentfirefly (10:58:26 PM): why did you keep threatening to end everything between us if...as it seems... you, yourself, aren't willing to do that?
--- (10:58:42 PM): i didn't realize that i really do need you until today
Sorry, it's rather long. Anyway, I've been talking to some friends, all of which been great. That's probably why I seem much more confident, because I realized I'd have to be worth something to deserve them.
I guess I just don't know what to do... I mean, part of me wants to make him happy, and another part of me wonders if he's just trying to keep me waiting around for him (not that I'd probably go find another guy anytime soon or anything, but...just the idea seems selfish). It feels like accepting to be his friend would be like... giving in to him and letting him just have everything he wants... What should I do?
Edited 9/30/2004 10:59 pm ET ET by m_yui
If I were you I would tell him that you need at least a month to yourself to figure out if you can be friends. And then really take a month, the whole month. And don't make any decisions about what you can or can't do until November 1. How does that sound? Just decide not to make any decisions until then. And don't have any contact with him at all. Tell him you need time to think about it. But don't do it because you know it will drive him crazy. Do it because it sounds to me like you really do need time to yourself.
You're much much stronger than you presented yourself as in your first post. Remain strong. You can do this.
I'm sorry to hear about the break-up. Since I wasn't there to witness it personally I can only assume that both of you had your faults in this and I think you know that as well. You don't think he changed or tried to and he very well may have felt the same about you.....but that doesn't matter to much now. What's done is done.
I think you should focus on healing and your self-esteem problem. Is there a support group in your area you could joing to help you feel better about yourself?? I know several people have joined simillar groups and it really helped them. Because honestly.....until you start to feel good about yourself no guy will ever be able to make you feel truly happy.
I wish you the best of luck and we're here if you need us....don't hesitate to post and we'll try our best to help in any way we can. Good luck and remember you *WILL* get through this and you will be happy someday.
By the way, thanks a lot to everyone for reading and responding to me.
Edited 10/2/2004 7:35 pm ET ET by m_yui