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| Wed, 09-29-2004 - 1:52pm |
The sentimental part of me wants to so badly...nothing big--I'd like to send maybe an e-card or just a text message saying that I hope he has a happy birthday and to take care of himself, good luck with everything in the future, etc. I'm not saying that I'd write him a sappy love letter saying I miss him/a goodbye letter letting him know that I've given up on him or anything like that. I'm pretty sure he'll figure that out eventually (if he hasn't already).
But the sensible part of me is thinking that it'd still probably be a mistake to try and contact him at all. I've been feeling really strong and in control of myself lately...and as of now, I still have the upper hand in the situation (he was the last one to try and make contact). I don't want to lose control again...
But I DO still care about him and for some reason, I would like him to know that I thought of him on his birthday. Maybe I'm too nice of a person...but even though it feels good to have the power, I feel bad sometimes. He basically ignored me and treated me horribly after the breakup...I know that he doesn't deserve any of my attention. But I don't want to be THAT person...you know what I mean? I'm the type of girl who hates it when people are mad at me...obviously nobody likes that feeling. I just hate that we ended on bad terms.
Of course, I've given him several opportunities to be nice and try and become friends...and he's blown them all. But he DID contact me last and he sounded friendly enough (I forget what exactly he said, I think it was just "shouts from Gary!"). You guys know that I haven't responded, or attempted to contact him in any way...and while I know it's been healthy for me, I still wonder...
I think this time is different than all the others. I don't have hope that he might want to be friends anymore...I've pretty much given up on that ever happening. And I really, honestly think that I'd feel fine this time if I did contact him and he didn't respond...I guess in a way, I feel as though it could give me some closure--because I would have done something nice (wish him a happy birthday)...I wouldn't have to feel bad about not responding anymore. I'm not expecting to talk to him again...or for us to ever be friends. But it would be cool to know that the last contact we had was something positive...I don't want to look back and remember our relationship as a negative thing.
However, what if he did respond--would that just open up old wounds? And there is the SLIGHT possiblity that I would actually feel crappy if he did just ignore me...
As you can see, I'm having difficulty deciding what to do...so help! Please let me know what you think...thanks.

He will have another birthday next year...perhaps by then you'll be ready to be friends (or at least friendly) and you can acknowledge him then.
Sheri
I can almost 100% guarantee that if I say nothing to him now, then we'll never speak again. And I know that it would be for the best...since he has shown his true colors since the breakup, and I should want nothing to do with him anymore. I guess I'm just a pushover...or a sucker, whatever you want to call it. It's so hard to think that I'm most likely always going to care about him.
He's a VERY arrogant person...I'm sure he's pretty pissed that I haven't responded to his most recent contact attempts, and I'm quite sure that he will give up eventually (he probably already has). And knowing the way his mind works, I am sure that if I don't continue making the effort to know him, he won't either. He wouldn't understand if I told him that I need time to get over him first...and while I do realize that he's a jerk, I guess a part of me isn't completely ready to let go yet...
I want him to remember me...I want him to wonder about, and miss me. Isn't that so self-centered? I want him to look back and think to himself, "Wow, I should have never let her get away." I want him to remember me as a great girl...I want it to be his loss, not mine. But he has a new girlfriend...and maybe she really is the one for him. I keep telling myself that he's a cheater/manipulator and that I should feel sorry for her...and as I've said in my other posts, part of me really does want to be happy for him that he's found someone special. I HATE feeling jealous...but I just hate that she's getting what I always wanted...the best of him.
Why is it that even after all he's done to me...after all he's put me through...that I still care so much?! WHY?! Some days are good...some days I don't even think of him at all. But god, I'm just finding it SO difficult to say goodbye to someone who was such a huge part of my life for over two years...
Could it be that the man you really love is the man you hoped he would be and not the man he really is?
You're probably right about me being triggered by something--his birthday. I've been thinking about it a lot lately. About how last year, although I wasn't there with him physically, he still shared it with me. We had basically just started "dating" or whatever, and I only sent him a card...but at least at this time last year, he actually WANTED to hear from me. And during his birthday the year before that (when we were still just friends), he was on vacation at the beach...but he still txted me and told me he was thinking of me (we shared a fondess for the beach).
I honestly miss his friendship more than anything. I LOVED being in love with him...but despite all of the cute things we used to do together, what I enjoyed most was just being his friend...talking all the time, sharing our lives, etc. We had this crazy connection from the very beginning...I have never felt SO close or so intimate with someone. Even though we both lied/kept some things from each other (and I know that wasn't healthy), I still feel like he knows me better than anyone else in the world. He told me that he felt the same way...and this was even after the breakup/after he found out what I had kept hidden and got pissed. I remember getting upset about something and telling him that I didn't feel as though I had ever known the real him...and he actually laughed and said that it was funny because in a way, I knew him better than anyone else.
Anyways, to answer your question--maybe the man I loved never really did exist...but despite everything, I still believe there is good in him and it hurts to think that someone else is getting that side of him now. He always used to tell me that I was making him a better person...that he didn't know how to love until he met me, and that I was turning him into the wimpy, sappy, good boyfriend type :) In a way, I feel like I was training him (haha, sounds odd I know) and now someone else is getting all the benefits of that. It just sucks...
But he's very good at playing games, at hiding things, and at pretending...you probably saw my post where I mentioned that he told me he had just been "playing a role" the whole time because it was "fun" and he liked the attention/affection I gave him. He told me that I had been unrealistic with my expectations about our relationship--which was partly true, because I just kept breaking promises to go see him, yet demanded all of this attention/committment, etc from him (although I know that in NO way did that gave him a valid excuse to cheat on and lie to me).
Blahblahblah...I'm sorry for rambling. I'll be fine...I just wish there were a way to stop thinking about him!
When you say someone else is getting the "best" him, what makes you think that? Do you think he has miraculously changed? We are all on our best behavior at first. If he is the type of person you say he is, he'll show his true colors to her too. My guy was very nice, attentive, manipulative, charming. I know he will be that way with someone else.
It's so easy to only remember the good and forget the bad. We should be more concerned about our wellbeing than theirs. Loneliness makes it hard to let go. Hang in there and it will get better. My husband died three years ago. Now that was heartache. He was a wonderful man who loved me deeply. I almost feel ashamed to be feeling so bad about my recent ex. He was a person who was not worthy of my love. He didn't hold a candle to my husband.
Anyway, don't contact him. Let it go and start to heal.
I don't know exactly what I meant by someone else getting the "best" out of my ex now. I was having a weak moment...but I think I just meant that it makes me sad to think that someone other than me is getting the good side of him...the side I always wanted. Our relationship was long-distance and because of that, I didn't get a chance to do a lot of things that I wanted to with him. And I know for a fact (because he bragged about it to me once) that he and his new girlfriend are doing many of the things we had planned to do together...so that hurts a lot. I feel like I put in a lot of effort, and gave a lot of myself to him...and while I'm not trying to sound conceited, I really do believe that I helped a little in making him a better person. He has a lot of issues and when we were just friends, I saw a lot of that side of him...I saw the way he treated other girls. He told me that I was the one who taught him how to care/love...dnd even though he cheated on/lied to me, he had his good side. He could be the most charming, sweetest guy in the world when he wanted to. I know that isn't enough...that in the end, I'll be better off without him--but it crushes me to think that someone else gets to enjoy the benefits of what I feel I helped him accomplish. Does that make any sense?
It's selfish, really...and silly because I know that he definitely has his bad side...and I'd be foolish to believe that his new girlfriend doesn't or won't ever have to deal with that. I just hate thinking about how she's the one who gets to look at the stars with him...she's the one who gets to cuddle and sleep with him at night...she's the one who gets to go to the beach, and shopping with him...she's the one he took to Boston (where some of his closest friends live)...those were all things we planned to do together. My ex had a way of making me feel like the most loved girl in the world at times...it's just been so hard not to let the good I see in him outweigh all the bad. Maybe because obviously, nobody likes thinking about the bad...so I choose to forget it and just remember all the good he once showed me.
I tell myself not to feel bad because if we were meant to be, then we wouldn't have broken up...I don't think I'm the one for him. But that doesn't keep me from wishing otherwise...
<3 take care of yourself...good luck :)