Question to all

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Question to all
12
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 2:39pm
Hey there everyone! I have a Question- Is it my business?

Me and my X broke up after an 8 year relationship 2 and 1/2 months ago. I just found out this weekend that he had sex with one of my former co-workers (she runs around the same circle of friends). We broke up on my side because he didnt want to go any further in the relationship than what we had and the same girl from work had been a little too flirty with him and he claimed nothing would happen but later after we broke up it did. He broke up with me because somehow I was beginning to do things that annoyed him such as not putting stuff back in the right places of the house, accidentaly leaving makeup on towels etc- hes very anal. He felt like I was pushing him away by doing these things. I was just under alot of stress at the time. My question to all of you is how soon after a long term relationship should someone be out there having sex (not to mention the co-worker situation because thats another problem)? Second thing is he claims it was non of my business since we had broken up so how long after the relationship ends should it be non of my business? Betrayal- I hope non of you have to ever go through it! Please respond- Thank you- stacy

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 3:52pm
honestly - the next day.....i know from experience that we only make our pain last longer by thinking about the shoulda, woulda, coulda's--- it will take time and a lot of hard work and you will still want to know what is going on in his life for awhile but as you begin to realize that he is the one with the issues and problems you will care less and less until you don't give a d&%^% at all
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stabu2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 4:50pm
I'm sorry for the pain his actions caused you, but he's absolutely right...it is NONE of your business who he's dating or sleeping with, and that would be true even if it happened an hour after you broke up.

Of course it's painful, but once it's over, it's over.

Why are you even talking to him, in any event?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:59pm
I thank you for your reply however he wanted to remain good friends after the breakup. You cant do that if the other person is automaticly sleeping with other people some of them being former friends right? It takes a long time to heal. Not only that, the girl he slept with from my work is now proging other people for information about me now that is interupting my life. Before we broke up he had promased me he wouldnt get involved with her- he lied. Not a very good way to start off a new friendship between us. Its kind of sad that a relationship I had with someone for 8 years could be thrown away so easily- right? Im just angry- but Ill have to go on knowing the whole thing is canned now. Thanks stacy
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: stabu2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 6:05pm
Ugh, I'm sorry. It sounds like he's acting like a jerk.

It's almost impossible, though, for people to go right from being romantic partners to being friends. It takes a good long period of no contact, especially in a situation like yours where you were together for so long. I'd cut off all contact so you can heal...and who knows, you may find in a couple of years that you are ok with being friends (or at least friendly) with him. I've had that happen with a couple of exes. But not now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 12:44pm
sadness, anger, sadness ,,,,,,,,anger......healing...sometimes it's just a circle....but you only get one chance at life and you can't waste precious time on someone who doesn't know what he wants and is giving you mixed signals... they all say they want to be friends they just for get to say " later"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:28pm
Stacy He's creating a lot of drama for you and really, you CANT be friends with him right now. You need to give yourself permission to heal first. And then you can reassess if you even want to be his friend at all. I was in a 7 year relationship once, and the end was extremely painfool. I didn't fully "recover" or got over him until 3 years after the break up. He was already living with someone within 6 months to a year of our breakup. It was hard. It has been 5 years since. But I had to not speak with him for 2 yrs before I was able to be something of a friend to him. As a matter of fact, last weekend was the first time in 5 yrs (I'm going through a tough breakup right now, coincidentally) that I was able to speak to him candidly as a friend about what;s going on in my life and hear what;s going on in his. It takes a long time. I know it sucks to hear that. But believe me, if you give yourself the space, you will heal. Just stop trying to be "friends" with him right now. That's just gonna make you crazy. You may never be able to be friends. Who knows? Allow yourself the time to heal.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 10:57pm
How soon after a long term relationship ends should someone have sex....really depends on the person. Some people are ready sooner than others and so only the person in question can decide that. As for is what he does now....any of your business....sadly it's not but he has to know you'll find out some stuff and part of me wonders if he slept with this co-worker that he knows hangs out with the same friends you do....just so you *would* find out about it. Anyway...we're here if you need someone to lean on!!! Good luck and keep us posted!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:16pm
Thanks alot for everyones words of encouragement. Ive just never been through this kind of thing before. In a way I did feel like it was my business because she was dabbling into it before our break up. And wouldnt it be more respectable for her to ask me if it would be okay for her to pursue it before she went and did that? Reguardless of what I would have told her- she could have asked and then went for it- right? He should of been upfront with me aswell back when we were going through this drama in our relationship. That is where I feel betrayed. But I guess now that I found out about it- people tell me he wont even talk to her. He is rude and blunt- later he even told her that she was just a ****, and being that she opened her big mouth, he cant even maintain a friendship with, in his words to her," the one person who means the most to him in the world" - ha- if that were true he would have tried to work it out. Well- thats what he gets! Thanks again, stacy
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:26pm
Stacy, the sad fact is that you can't ever be "real" friends. Once you realize that it will make things much easier for you. Not only are you not going to be friends, but even if you were friends you would not be able to discuss or even bring up the subject of who the other person is dating. We always tend to "hope" to be friends, but it never happens! My ex and I broke up with the "thought" that we were going to be friends. It was all a bunch of BS I could never nor did I want to be friends with him. It's really none of your business who he sleeps with, and are you really surprised that he lied to you? Guys can be harsh, but you know what be harsh right back. Feel good knowing that you are much better than this sleez he is now sleeping with.

Success and happiness is the best revenge in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
In reply to: stabu2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 2:26pm
I do agree that they should have asked you first and that it was hurtful the way they went about things....I was just saying that now....he isn't obligated to tell you what goes on.
Photobucket

Pages