I was doing so well ...
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| Thu, 09-30-2004 - 10:12am |
I was surprised to hear from him though. I didn't think he had even that in him.
And last night I found myself going home and turning on the pc and logging on to IM and just wishing he'd say hi again. When he didn't, after about an hour or so, I felt like a real fool.
I know this isn't helping me to heal. I know the answer is to remove him from my buddy list so I don't see when he's online. But I can't quite bring myself to do it just yet. Maybe if he has another week to think things over he'll decide to have a more serious conversation. Who knows. Maybe he's taken me off HIS buddy list and doesn't even see when I'm on.
kcl has mentioned how hard it is to let go and move on, and I think I'm going through those feelings right now. I just keep thinking about how nice the relationship could be if only he were warm, if only he were willing to put some work into it, if only he were able to be vulnerable and truly give himself to me. But those are big if onlys, right? I know what I want, and I have to admit that he just wasn't giving me what I needed. Whether or it was due to incapability or unwillingness on his part is all the same in the end really ... I loved and I lost. That takes a while to sink in.
Is it perfectly normal to keep hoping he'll come back? And how long does that go on for?

It was probably a mistake to talk to him...but it's alright. Now you know not to do it again. Even if he was just trying to be nice/civil, you aren't over him and talking to him only hurts. Haha by the way, I'm sorry if I sound self-righteous in any way...sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be trying to give others advice because I obviously still have trouble dealing with my breakup...but I understand how hard it is to let go.
And lets not kid ourselves here, it IS nice to hear from an ex (most of the time)--if only for the simple reason that it proves they haven't completely forgotten about us. As much as I struggled with what to do when my ex contacted me in the past, sometimes it feels worse not to hear from him at all. But I know that as much as I wish he were trying to be nice/friends, him contacting me is just another game of his...a way to make me remember him. You said that you were surprised to hear from your ex...I always get surprised when mine contacts me too--and man, does it have a way of giving me false hope!
I've gotten better about it, but in the past when the ex has contacted me, I would get so excited...I would assume that he maybe wanted to try and be friends. So I'd respond eagerly and then just end up disappointed...once again. I can totally relate to sitting around online, hoping the ex might IM you. I used to do the same thing...and he isn't even on my buddy list anymore. I took him off the very first day...and I deleted all of the pictures/e-mails he's ever sent me, etc. I'm really glad that I did that now...because I know I'd be tempted to look at and read them over, and it'd hurt like he*l. But even though he's technically off my buddy list, I still know his screenname...and I usually check his away messages, trying to figure out what he's up to. They usually say something about him spending time with his new girlfriend...so that always sucks to read.
I think you probably realize that it's a bad idea to talk to him at all, even if he initiates it. I wasn't always a big believer in NC, but I honestly think it's for the best...I just have my arrogant, insecure moments at times (I'm sure we all do) when I want to contact him and make sure he hasn't forgotten me. Luckily I haven't given into any of those urges yet.
Reading your post has helped me become even more determined to stay strong...it brings back memories of the two times my ex and I have actually spoken since the breakup (real conversations) and I don't want to go through that again. Like your ex, mine didn't want to talk about anything serious...it seemed more like he was just curious why I hadn't contacted him lately, and he wanted to brag about his new girlfriend and the wonderful life they have together. And I can relate to feeling like your ex expected you to be absolutely thrilled that he contacted you--mine acted the same way. I remember him saying something once like, "I just wanted to make sure you're still alive." HA...arrogant prick.
Sometimes I want to talk to my ex soooooooooo badly because I miss the way things used to be between us (the closeness, the intimacy, the fun parts)...but then I remember our past conversations after the breakup and realize that things have changed. That what we once had will never be again...that talking to him now is pretty much like talking to a stranger...and that I end up just feeling absolutely horrible afterwards.
So please be strong and do NC...you need to heal and get over him, and that isn't going to happen if you keep hoping that he'll come back. I've wasted so much of my time sitting around hoping that my ex will contact me, that he misses me, that he'll realize what he's given up...but clinging to that false hope is what was slowly killing me inside.
I have my bad days, as does everyone else...but they seem to be slowly getting replaced with good ones. Just give it time...it takes a lot of effort, and patience...small baby steps, etc--but you need to rebuild yourself and your life without him. I know you can do it :)
"Letting go isn't about giving up. It's accepting that things cannot be."