HELP ME WITH NC. I can't breathe!
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| Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:14pm |
I'm new to this board. I've been reading the postings for the past couple of days and i have found some very supportive messages and I'm hoping you guys can help me through this. 3 weeks ago today, my boyfriend of one year with whom I really thought I would be forever told me he wanted to "date-other-people"... out of the blue. My friends were in complete disbelief. We were so happy and he just walked out. I was in shock as we had a great relationship, the best I've ever had (and I have had a few) and I'm trying to find the reasons why and I can't. I have not contacted him at all, but I'm devastated that he hasn't contacted me either. We spent every free moment together and now there is a great void in my life and I just want him to come back. The thought of him with someone else is gut wrenching. He was my world. I was so ready to love and be loved when I met him (I wasn't always ready and I had to do A LOT of work on myself before I could fall in love again). I loved him the right way. And I thought he felt the same way. He told me he did. But he was younger than me by a lot (6 yrs) and I guess he has a lot of growing up to do. I'm an idiot for having gotten into this, I was hesitant to date someone so much younger than me. But he was so wonderful to me and my life was already so well-rounded and good, that he was just amazing "gravy" to my life. And then he became more than just gravy. I can't believe he left after all the love I had for him and all the love he said he had for me. He was my world and all I want to do is email him and I know I shouldn't but, god, it's hard. I want to hear his voice, I want to know how he is.... I feel like I can't breathe. I hope you can help me with some words of wisdom. Because my life is now consumed with thinking about this break up. I know I will get over this someday, but right now it's too hard. Help me, please.

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First of all, you're not an idiot. Stop beating up on yourself. What you need to do now is be kind and gentle. But I understand that you're trying to find reasons for how this could have happened. Blaming yourself is an easy way out because then you think if you just do so and so next time this can't happen again. Unfortunately, life isn't always that simple. Sometimes, no matter how open, cautious and self-protective we are, people hurt is. Love is always risky. But we can't live without it, and that's a good thing.
I'm sounding like such a downer! Sorry!
I'm not sure that it would be a bad idea to contact him at this point. Three weeks have gone by. Why don't you call him or email him? You might be surprised with the response you get. You never know. It could be worth a try.
If you decide not to do that and stick with the NC route, you can count on this board for help. Please feel free to email me if you need additional support.
Also, you might want to try reading "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" at http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm
It has helped me through several breakups.
Finally, be good to yourself. Get enough sleep, if you can. Try to rely on friends as much as possible. Don't hide from the pain. The quickest way out of it is straight through it. Treat yourself to special things if it helps. Be gentle with yourself. Breakups are tremendously stressful, on all levels, as you know.
But if the two of you don't get back together know that you will love again. I know that seems impossible now and that you don't want to think of anyone else. But if the two of you don't reconcile, there will be another man in your life, eventually. And you will love again.
hugs, Missy
ADGRL
I want to add another book to your reading list. It was featured on Oprah last week so it is hard to find but it is called "He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt It was the best 165 pages I have read this year!!
He breaks down the answer to every excuse we have ever given ourselves about a man and what he was thinking or why he was behaving a certain way. It was an EYE OPENING experience for me. I am 38 and I wish I had read this when I was 22. It would have saved me a lot of heartache over the years. There is a whole chapter about break ups.
As for no-contact, I think of it as a measure of self protection. It was his decision to break up. If he did it with any class than mentally thank him for showing you that respect and start writing all your thoughts down in a journal. You never know what will happen if you call him but they rarely end with a positive outcome.
Treat yourself to a pedicure and a hot bubble bath. I promise you will feel better after you have read Greg's book.
Aquagirl
XOXO
ADGRL
Best,
LMHSD
The book was hard for me to read and just typing this I have a lump in my throat. Greg is really blunt and he assumes we have enough self esteem to handle what he is saying. I think a building a strong sense of self is a good thing to work on these days. It will be hard if you find that he just isnt into you, but at least you know and can move on and UP.
Have you ever been told "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you??" On Oprah, he said that the 1st I love you means "I don't want to hurt you" and the 2nd means "I don't want to be with you and this is the end". Really painful stuff to hear but liberating! I have had many friends ask me what a guy mens when he says that and now I have an answer.
I hope in my next relationship that I have the strength to say goodbye if my needs/hopes/dreams are not being met instead of settling for crumbs. I may have to read this book everytime I meet someone as a refresher course but I want more out of a relationship than I have been given in the past.
Another "buzz phrase" from the book is "don't waste the pretty". He is trying to remind us that we are too cute to be wasting our time with someone who cannot fully appreciate us. I know I am a good catch and I know that someday (even if I am 85 when it happens) that I will find someone who appreciates 100% of me for being just me.
I do not want to sound like an advertisement for this author. I just know it was easy reading (it is hard to concentrate when you are sad...) and it gave me the answers to questions that were knocking around in my head.
Just remember to be good to yourself. If break ups were easy they would be called something else!
aquagirl
p.s. I put my name on a waiting list at 2 local bookstores and 1 me called when it came in. Amazon.com has it backordered for at least 3 weeks! If I could, I would xerox my copy and mail it to you.
I'm sorry to hear about your break-up....I know that it hurts...especially since it *WAS* so unexpected. I know you don't agree with his decsion but you have to learn to respect it, as I'm sure he had his reasons and it's better he did this now rather than later when you're more invested emotionally. I think it's good you haven't been in contact and you should be very proud of yourself because I know it's no easy. You'll get through this and we're here to help. Just try and stay busy so you don't have as much time to think about it all too much. Good luck and keep us posted!!!
LJ
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