HELP ME WITH NC. I can't breathe!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
HELP ME WITH NC. I can't breathe!
12
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:14pm
Hello all-

I'm new to this board. I've been reading the postings for the past couple of days and i have found some very supportive messages and I'm hoping you guys can help me through this. 3 weeks ago today, my boyfriend of one year with whom I really thought I would be forever told me he wanted to "date-other-people"... out of the blue. My friends were in complete disbelief. We were so happy and he just walked out. I was in shock as we had a great relationship, the best I've ever had (and I have had a few) and I'm trying to find the reasons why and I can't. I have not contacted him at all, but I'm devastated that he hasn't contacted me either. We spent every free moment together and now there is a great void in my life and I just want him to come back. The thought of him with someone else is gut wrenching. He was my world. I was so ready to love and be loved when I met him (I wasn't always ready and I had to do A LOT of work on myself before I could fall in love again). I loved him the right way. And I thought he felt the same way. He told me he did. But he was younger than me by a lot (6 yrs) and I guess he has a lot of growing up to do. I'm an idiot for having gotten into this, I was hesitant to date someone so much younger than me. But he was so wonderful to me and my life was already so well-rounded and good, that he was just amazing "gravy" to my life. And then he became more than just gravy. I can't believe he left after all the love I had for him and all the love he said he had for me. He was my world and all I want to do is email him and I know I shouldn't but, god, it's hard. I want to hear his voice, I want to know how he is.... I feel like I can't breathe. I hope you can help me with some words of wisdom. Because my life is now consumed with thinking about this break up. I know I will get over this someday, but right now it's too hard. Help me, please.

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Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:25pm
Welcome to the board, adgrl. I'm sorry for your pain. I'm really familiar with that can't breathe feeling myself, that gut-wrenching, cell churning pain. I've been there, and I know it hurts. You're courageous to be going through it.

First of all, you're not an idiot. Stop beating up on yourself. What you need to do now is be kind and gentle. But I understand that you're trying to find reasons for how this could have happened. Blaming yourself is an easy way out because then you think if you just do so and so next time this can't happen again. Unfortunately, life isn't always that simple. Sometimes, no matter how open, cautious and self-protective we are, people hurt is. Love is always risky. But we can't live without it, and that's a good thing.

I'm sounding like such a downer! Sorry!

I'm not sure that it would be a bad idea to contact him at this point. Three weeks have gone by. Why don't you call him or email him? You might be surprised with the response you get. You never know. It could be worth a try.

If you decide not to do that and stick with the NC route, you can count on this board for help. Please feel free to email me if you need additional support.

Also, you might want to try reading "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" at http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm

It has helped me through several breakups.

Finally, be good to yourself. Get enough sleep, if you can. Try to rely on friends as much as possible. Don't hide from the pain. The quickest way out of it is straight through it. Treat yourself to special things if it helps. Be gentle with yourself. Breakups are tremendously stressful, on all levels, as you know.

But if the two of you don't get back together know that you will love again. I know that seems impossible now and that you don't want to think of anyone else. But if the two of you don't reconcile, there will be another man in your life, eventually. And you will love again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:43pm
Hi, I hope youre letting yourself have a good long cry and scream about this, don't keep it all in you have to feel it to heal it. I cried my eyes out for what seemed like forever and still do when my partner and I split 2 weeks ago because he didn't know what he wanted but it obviously wasn't me! It will get better when you start thinking of ways to fill that empty feeling inside and spend lots of time with friends. Keep yourself busy and try and stop thinking what could have been. Reading books has helped me, and sites like this but try and excersise too it helps with the stress. We have agreed no contact as it gives you chance to live without each other for a while and miss each other and it just hurt too much talking to him anyway and not getting any answers. I think you're being really brave so far and hes probably shocked that you haven't contacted him. Get a big tub of ice cream and a comedy and cuddle up feeling sorry for yourself until you get bored with it, or blast your fave tunes and jump around, maybe temporary but it helps.

hugs, Missy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 2:56pm
Thank you so much for your openness and kindness. I will read the book and will decide if I should contact him within the next few days. My big fear is being rejected in any way...again. "I'm dating someone else" "I can't talk to you right now" or a simple "I'm busy" will crush me (even if I'm not looking to get back together...) I know you know how I feel. I'm on my way to get the book. I so want to hear his voice, but i can't stand that he's not mine anymore. It's so unbearable. I really enjoyed your posting, iamdelightful, I truly and sincerely appreciate your words. Very, very helpful.

ADGRL

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 6:36pm
Hello adgrl,

I want to add another book to your reading list. It was featured on Oprah last week so it is hard to find but it is called "He's Just Not That Into You : The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys" by Greg Behrendt It was the best 165 pages I have read this year!!

He breaks down the answer to every excuse we have ever given ourselves about a man and what he was thinking or why he was behaving a certain way. It was an EYE OPENING experience for me. I am 38 and I wish I had read this when I was 22. It would have saved me a lot of heartache over the years. There is a whole chapter about break ups.

As for no-contact, I think of it as a measure of self protection. It was his decision to break up. If he did it with any class than mentally thank him for showing you that respect and start writing all your thoughts down in a journal. You never know what will happen if you call him but they rarely end with a positive outcome.

Treat yourself to a pedicure and a hot bubble bath. I promise you will feel better after you have read Greg's book.

Aquagirl

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 8:06pm
Thanks aquagirl. I read about the book -- I've been trying to get it and it's hard to find right now, you're right. But I'm really scared to find out that "he's just not that into me". God. That notion is absolutely horrifying to me. It makes me want to cry for days! I just don't want to believe that. My heart is so broken and that just makes it worse...love is so fleeting. I can't believe what pain I'm feeling right now. My God, Life is just so hard....

XOXO

ADGRL
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:02pm
The same thing happened to me 3 weeks ago. My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years announced that he didn't know if this is what he wanted. I understand completely how you feel - this was also an absolute shock to me and I have been absolutely devastated. The thought of living without this man hurts more than I can bare. When something like this happens you not only have to deal with the shock and pain but also come to terms with the fact that you're still in love with him. I wish there was a magic pill to take but unfortunately, as you've heard here, only time will heal. Take good care of yourself. Make sure you're eating and sleeping. If you are having problems dealing with this on your own there is no shame in going to your doctor to see if she thinks an anti depressant might help get you through this time (doesn't take away the pain but will make things even out a bit). I'll check back in on you to see how you're doing. We'll get through this, I promise.

Best,

LMHSD

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:36pm
Hello again adgrl!

The book was hard for me to read and just typing this I have a lump in my throat. Greg is really blunt and he assumes we have enough self esteem to handle what he is saying. I think a building a strong sense of self is a good thing to work on these days. It will be hard if you find that he just isnt into you, but at least you know and can move on and UP.

Have you ever been told "I love you, but I'm not IN LOVE with you??" On Oprah, he said that the 1st I love you means "I don't want to hurt you" and the 2nd means "I don't want to be with you and this is the end". Really painful stuff to hear but liberating! I have had many friends ask me what a guy mens when he says that and now I have an answer.

I hope in my next relationship that I have the strength to say goodbye if my needs/hopes/dreams are not being met instead of settling for crumbs. I may have to read this book everytime I meet someone as a refresher course but I want more out of a relationship than I have been given in the past.

Another "buzz phrase" from the book is "don't waste the pretty". He is trying to remind us that we are too cute to be wasting our time with someone who cannot fully appreciate us. I know I am a good catch and I know that someday (even if I am 85 when it happens) that I will find someone who appreciates 100% of me for being just me.

I do not want to sound like an advertisement for this author. I just know it was easy reading (it is hard to concentrate when you are sad...) and it gave me the answers to questions that were knocking around in my head.

Just remember to be good to yourself. If break ups were easy they would be called something else!

aquagirl

p.s. I put my name on a waiting list at 2 local bookstores and 1 me called when it came in. Amazon.com has it backordered for at least 3 weeks! If I could, I would xerox my copy and mail it to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 9:39pm
Welcome to the board!!! You've come to the right place for advice and support!!! There are many people here on this board going through simillar things and I'm sure they'll be more then happy to help you through all this.

I'm sorry to hear about your break-up....I know that it hurts...especially since it *WAS* so unexpected. I know you don't agree with his decsion but you have to learn to respect it, as I'm sure he had his reasons and it's better he did this now rather than later when you're more invested emotionally. I think it's good you haven't been in contact and you should be very proud of yourself because I know it's no easy. You'll get through this and we're here to help. Just try and stay busy so you don't have as much time to think about it all too much. Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 12:02am
Hi, I know exactly how you feel and what you're going through. I was in the exact situation with my EX. I had gone out for more than 2 years. I thought we love each other so much, granted everything wasn't perfect, but we enjoyed being with each other. He just moved away to another city for business school, and we had been trying so hard to maintain the relationship. All of the sudden last weekend, he desided that he wanted to date other people and still want to remain friends. In fact, the day that he broke up with me, he was going out with another girl that night. I don't know if that's their first date or not, but it's obviously that's in the works for a while before he made up his mind. How do they just throw away eveything we had and move on so quickly, while leaving us suffering? I've being crying my eyes out, and finally today, I feel better and decided to take control of my life. Things are so tough these days. I came home tonight and found my place almost flooded (long story), I couldn't believe this kind of crap that I have to deal with, especially now, I have no shoulders to lean on. We haven't made contact for a week. Please seek friends and family for support. They have been so helpful to me personally. Set new goals for yourself to divert your attention away from the negative stuff. Hang in there...we are in same boat.

LJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Fri, 10-01-2004 - 1:11am
you will have ups and downs, you will have success and failure, you will have days when the world is your oyster and you will have days when you feel like crap.....these are just things that will happwn.. at first i had thoughts like if i wasn't alive would he miss me ( of course for a little while until his new girlfriend says get over it) or i said maybe if i was sick he would come back ( don't believe it) l.... i had stopped eating and lost 20 pounds but he was in NC and so how would he know or care.... i could not leave the house because i felt like i could not take seeing couples together but i have kids and i did not want to make their lives miserable so i forced myself to take them out.. i have to go to work and make money and eveybody on my job knew that we were a couple and the people that don't know we broke up still ask about him and with a stone face i just say "he's ok"....after 4 months i still think about him although the tears are less the dreams don't come as often and i am now able to eat a little more.... eveyone has noticed i have lost weight and want to know what diet i am on....that's funny !!!! i have to realize that i still have feelings but i think they are more about abandonment than love at this point...my ex did not give closure...he won't answer e-mails, phone calls or letters....maybe he thinks that we will get back together in the future and is trying to leave the door open.....in my heart i know that the more time there is between us the less chance there is of that ever happeining.... i deserve to be loved and i am not putting anything on hold for anyone...i am just taking this time to really know what i want...and i refuse to settle for less this time

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