please help-anyone experienced this??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
please help-anyone experienced this??
3
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 4:46pm
i have posted here a long time ago and still am at a loss. I feel that i know in my heart what i need to do, but continue to second guess myself. I have lived with my bf for 3 years now, and so he is a major, permanent factor in my life. I do love him, I don't want to hurt him but there are things in our relationship that just aren't right. I know he loves me as well, but I feel that we don't "talk" openly like we should, or at least in that heart-to-heart kind of way. He used to be somewhat verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling, but I really think that has tapered down a lot, or at least I ignore it to a point that it doesn't bother me as much any more. And as a result, I have acted out of character as well and done things that I don't approve of myself doing, and he has pulled some s*it that completely befuddles my friends and myself....anyway.

I think about it all day long, my relationship. I don't sleep at night because I keep thinking about how I need to "talk" with him, but when it comes down to it, i can't bring myself to do it. It is almost as if he senses what is going on so on the times when I think I’m getting up the courage, he is the best most sweetest boyfriend ever. And in some ways he is, however there are financial issues that tend to keep me frustrated (he is a super smart guy, but financially unstable at times, and I always feel that I pay for the brunt of everything – groceries, rent, car, etc). But we do share everything and I am so so so so terrified of making a huge mistake. I keep thinking it will go away (these thoughts) but they consume my mind so much. And then when I think I’ve got the courage to do something (ie, talk to him) he goes and does something sweet and wonderful.

How do you cope, deal, and go through with something you know in the deepest level of your mind is right but are scared of being alone, hurting someone, being depressed, and afraid that you ARE making a big mistake?????

THANK YOU!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-1997
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:45pm
No, I haven't been in your situation, but there are some things in your post that jumped out at me:

You said:

1. He used to be somewhat verbally and emotionally abusive and controlling, but I really think that has tapered down a lot, or at least I ignore it to a point that it doesn't bother me as much any more.

2. He has pulled some s*it that completely befuddles my friends and myself....anyway.

3. There are financial issues that tend to keep me frustrated (he is financially unstable at times, and I always feel that I pay for the brunt of everything – groceries, rent, car, etc).

You should NEVER ignore or become *tolerant* of verbal and emotional abuse from any guy you're dating. Rather than ignore or tolerate it, you should RUN! Leave him NOW and don't look back. Statistically, less than 1% of abusive men change their abusive ways for good. Most will implement the "honeymoon phase" whenever they sense their partner is about to leave them. This helps to keep the partner hooked so that she won't wise up and leave for good.

As for the financial issues, he's using you if you're paying for everything and he isn't pulling his weight in the relationship.

Dump the loser. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!

All the best,

Heymum




Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 5:52pm
Sounds like a tough decision. You might want to consider posting on the Should I Stay or Should I Go board. It's likely that there are many people there with similar situations.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlshouldista

Best wishes. Sounds like it's a tough road no matter which way you choose.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Thu, 09-30-2004 - 10:34pm
I'm sorry you're having problems....I know how miserable that can make you. If these thoughts are consuming your entire day and keeping you from sleeping then you really need to talk to your bf about what your feeling. Maybe you should take the time to sit down and right out everything on your mind.....make a list of all the things you think are wrong with the relationship and what you and him could do to fix them. Then you could even right down what you want to say to him....reherse it a few times until you know exactly what you want to say and then just blurt out to him that you need to talk....once I get that far....I can't turn back. Then just tell him what's on your mind but try not to accuse as that will only put him on the defensive. I wish you all the best!! Let us know how it goes!!!
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