You may all remember my story. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me about a month ago. Things seemed stagnant. Fighting seemed more frequent. I guess we sort of fell out of love, that or we were too lazy to fix whatever the problem is. What the problem is, I really do not know. You see, this decent, sweet, loving man decided he "wasn't happy" and "needed time to himself". He says that he is "co-dependent" and tired of focusing on everyone else & everyone elses problems. He says he has some "mental" problems, but he won't tell me what they are. He says he reserves those conversations to his therapist. I thought another woman would cause these excuses, but the more I think about it...he might be gay. He of course denies it. First, I begged & cried. I just couldn't understand it. He loved me. We were best friends. He said he wanted to marry me! After feeling so pathetic I decided to give him some space & do no contact. It seemed to help. I was starting to get over him. Starting to accept the breakup. Then, I was LAID-OFF from my job! He was my only real bestfriend. I knew I shouldn't have called him. But, I did. He was genuinely concerned. Told me he'd be there for me. Wanted to see me. Loved me & missed me, etc. The next thing you know, I get this email from him saying talking to me on the phone or seeing me is "just too emotional right now". That he "can't handle it". Needless to say, things got worse. I could not believe that someone that cared so much about me could just throw me away. He wanted to be friends, but he can only talk thru email?! Another phone call. We had that same damn circular, pattern fight all over again. "How could you, why did you, dont you love me" yada, yada, yada. I know I seem desperate & pathetic...but I lost my bestfriend and my job in the same month! He turned into this angry, beast of a man that I have never seen before. He was such an ass. He said that he didn't like the way our relationship was effecting his life. OUCH! I thought our relationship WAS part of his life?! He says that he can't work on the relationship. That it wouldn't work right now because we don't know how to be individuals. (Which is true.) He then says he will call me the next day to check-up on me. Next thing you know, I get an email instead. (Phone calls are too emotional, remember?) Finally, I just wrote him back "you do not need to check-up on me anymore. We need to let each other go because you do not care enough & I am tired of holding on". That was Monday and I haven't heard a thing back. I did the right thing by sending that right? It's too hard right now to have him in my life & not HAVE him. You know? I just really don't think I can be friends with him.
I just can't get over that he doesn't care how I am doing. It's not that I get suicidal, but even THINKING about it scares the crap out of me. (It's like I wonder what the world would be like without me, not that I really want to die.) Is this normal? He knows that I get this way but still doesn't bother to check-up on me?
I swear I feel even worse now. I feel like we broke-up all over again. The fact that he really does not care about me or loves me is really starting to hit home. Why can't I accept it? Why am I still so upset about this? Why can't I just accept that he is just like all the other aholes...it just took him longer to get there? How can someone fake a whole relationship? How can someone that supposedly loves & cares for you just vanish and pretend you never existed? How can you share/plan you life with someone & then all of a sudden decide ONLY your happiness comes first?
What is bothering me the most now is: how am I supposed to trust another? If 2 years of happiness, friendship, fun can't keep you together what can? He dissappeared. He walked out. It's already hard for me to trust men, how can I now? I am really starting to hate him. I really cannot understand how he could ever treat me so heartlessly. He has NEVER done anything to mistreat me before. Am I really that unimportant & insignificant that he can just walk away & never look back? How is it so easy to throw away 2 years?
I realize that probably none of this makes sense. I don't know what my whole point was in writing this. I guess I just needed to vent. I just can't get over it! I thought he was the most perfect guy! How could he turn into such a jerk?! I am in complete & utter shock! Yeah, that's the word...SHOCK!
I find your message very interesting and not very different from my own experience.
You said:
"I swear I feel even worse now. I feel like we broke-up all over again. The fact that he really does not care about me or loves me is really starting to hit home. Why can't I accept it? Why am I still so upset about this? Why can't I just accept that he is just like all the other aholes...it just took him longer to get there? How can someone fake a whole relationship? How can someone that supposedly loves & cares for you just vanish and pretend you never existed? How can you share/plan you life with someone & then all of a sudden decide ONLY your happiness comes first? "
It is quite difficult to accept that the person you loved so much is just another a**hole, isn't it?. However this is true. At the end, when they get the courage to stand alone, they show their real nature. The problem is that when we are in a relatioship we pretend to be someone else in order to fulfill the expectations of our partners. Our ex's did exactly the same. They said many things that they never meant and so now those words are gone with the wind.
You ask whether or not you should trust another men. I don't know, my experience (which is similar to yours) has taught me that next time I will not trust a man 100%, I will not believe when they say "I love you" or "I care about you" because they might not mean so. I will be cautious, you can only trust what you feel but not what others feel about you.
The most important thing now is that you must learn from this experience, so in the future you can proudly say that your pain was worth it.
Iliana