looking for comfort

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
looking for comfort
7
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 6:15pm
well as of yesterday i am now a single women. me and my bf were having trouble dealing with his soon to be ex-wife and their two children. she has threatened him numerous times that if he stays with me then she will take his children away. being the good father he is, he chose the children and will follow through with the divorce. we decided to remain friends and talk on occassion, maybe start hanging out again as friends after his divorce. my problem is that i want to still be with this man in the future and i feel he wants the same thing. i understand his decision to remain in his kids life and know he made the right decision. i am planning on moving on in my life and furthuring my future. however, i want him to be in my life and do not want to be with another man. we have discussed this and we both do not want to be with anyone else other than each other. we have given each other all of our love and want to hold on to our relationship that we had. this is the man i want to marry and will wait for him even though we dont know what the future may bring for me and him. in my heart i feel that if its meant to be it will naturally happen. we are best friends and cherish each other to stay in one anothers lives. i know moving on is the right thing to do, but how does one continue to be best firends and move on from the man they know is there soulmate?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 8:41pm
Welcome to the board!! This is a great place to come for support and advice. Many people here are feeling simillar emotions that you're feeling and I'm sure they'll be more than happy to help you through this difficult time...and share their sories with you, as well.

I know you're going through a difficult time a feeling all sorts of emotions. I think your best bet is to leave him be until his divorce is final....then if you want to be friends or pursue a relationship....then great and if you don't that's fine to. But I think attempting a friendship now may only make things harder. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide to do. Remember...we're here if you need us!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 9:59pm
i know that being friends right now will be hard, but by us remaining best friends it is helping me move on and better my life. i do miss him as a boyfriend but cherish him to keep him in my life as a friend and he feels the same. we have decided to lay low until his divorce is final and then after that i still dont know how we will go about seeing each other. he did assure me though that no matter what he will not lose me in his life that he will always be there for me as my best friend, and that she has no control over our friendship. he is concerned for his children and with me having a relationship while he is seperated gives his ex wife more drive to take those kids away from him. i know he still loves me and he tells me he only wants to be with me. this friendship isnt about letting go. its about supporting each other through this hard time and hoping for a good future, no matter what they may be. i will try to not see him if any during this time period, but we both know that soon after we will have to see one another.
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 1:09am
I'm totally confused here. I'm sorry. It sounds to me like this man is being totally controlled by his wife. Is he still living with her? Did you start your relationship while he was still with her? Why should she have such power over him?

I'm sorry but I just don't get it.

If you love this man and want to be with him and consider him your soulmate I don't understand how you can just expect to go from that to being a friend. It sounds really painful to me.

I think if he really loved you that you would come before his children. I think you're fooling yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:28pm
I know the situation seems confusing, but i have to disagree with you in saying that i should come before his children. you cant take him away from his kids and im not going to make him shoose between me or his kids, thats selfish on my part. he has been seperated from his wife for 8 months and is planning on getting a divorce soon. she never wanted us to be together and threatened him numerous times that if he continues datin gme she will take the kids away. he has confronted her and will not let her control his life anymore. if she takes the kids away she will suffer. they arent living together and only see each other when he picks up the kids. him being my best frined isnt painful by any means because we both know we will end up together. now isnt our time to be together but it is our time to support each other.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:44pm
this sounds like he is watching to many movies....their are such things as courts... and where is she taking the kids to?....in a divorce the children have to live with somebody...it sounds like next he is going to be telling you that they will try to stauy together for the kids but he still wants you too.... walk away for awhile and let him get his act together by himself ...if he wants you he will take care of his business and come back ... take time to see the whole picture and not just the slices that he is giving you
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:57pm
Just throwing my 2 cents in here. I could never really respect a man that put a woman before his kids, so I do respect his position in this matter. I couldn't respect a woman who demanded otherwise.

It does concern me that he is easily maniputated by his wife, but on the flip side -- he does needs to practice discreetion until his divorce is final. I have read on numerous legal sites that one should not even date until one is divorced. Separated or not, they are still legally married and any conduct on his part can have ramifications. In a perfect world, when two people separate they would wish each other well and not use the kids as weapons against each other. But it is not a perfect world and breakups can cause people to become bitter and vengeful.

I just have one word of caution for you, if you put your life on hold and wait for him -- you may set yourself up for future heartbreak. Men are a great one for taking comfort from someone while they are going through a rough time, only to move on when things are better. Especially after a divorce when they can turn into kids in a candy store, if you know what I mean (Who me .. bitter?) Just tread carefully and if you are to be his friend, then try to accept that may be all you will ever be from here on out. Good luck -- I didn't mean to sound so gloomy, it's just that I had my heart broken my a separated guy who decided he didn't need me anymore once his life smoothed out.

Lois

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-13-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 3:47pm
i completely understand all of your concerns, but can promise you that we both know we will end up together. somethings are inevitable and us being together is one those. right now however we need to be apart and focus on our lives. he has talked with his parents and his exwife and he knows exactly what he wants out of life. he is going to spend this time focusing on his children and family and i am spending my time with my family as well and finishing school and moving into a career. this breakup isnt a bad thing it has brought alot of good things in the little amount of time we've been apart. we have decided to lay low just so we can get our lives fixed first. but we are here for each other for support and companionship. you can tjust take that away. my parents support our friendship and feel it is healthy for both of us. i do respect him for choosing to stay with his children. i will not be the one to get in the way of that and his wife will be the one who will have to consider if taking those kids away is the right thing or not, even though everyone else knows it isnt. he did talk with her and told her she no longer has control in his life, no matter what she may try. he has support from his family and knows as long as he has that what she does isnt really a concern of his. he does have a good lawyer and i think he needs to talk with her as well, but he has to do that on his own terms, not because i tell him to. he knows what needs to be done and we both know we should limit seeing each other. we have no plans on hanging out and know to wait after his divorce is the right thing to do. but like i said before you cant just take away the friendship we've had from the begining becasue he wants to remain in his children's lives. as for my life, no i am not putting it on hold for him. i am making plan for my future and will follow through with them without fail. we just know that in the future we are meant to be together and neither one of us wants to date anyone else. we have met who we are meant to be with and feel looking for someone else is a foolish mistake.