trust, jealousy, and our 2nd breakup
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trust, jealousy, and our 2nd breakup
| Sun, 10-03-2004 - 11:02pm |
I just turned 32; today is my birthday. It hasn't been a great one. My boyfriend and I had a party at my house last night...all of our friends, great times. But, I said something to upset him, and he got angry and stormed out. I feel bad for saying what I did, but I also feel angry that he broke up with me over it. He broke up with me in July as well, over similar issues.
What I said to him was that one of his best friends and his wife invited me to go to a club with them in a couple of weeks, when he is out of town on a job. The problem is that the club is a "swingers" club. No, I am not a swinger, not even remotely interested in it. But I felt so honored that his friend had asked me to join them...I felt included..that I told my boyfriend I would like to go. He has been to a swingers event months back...took pictures for his best friend's adult website. I never did see the pictures... So, I felt my going was OK...and his friend would be there for me if there were any "problems". Which, I don't think there would be.
I didn't even want to go to this place, but just felt great to be asked.
My boyfriend is very jealous and we have both had insecurity and trust problems. He often works on the road, and that makes it harder. We have gone to counseling once...because we were committed to one another. I felt so great that he would do that for us. I know his is my soul mate, my best friend, just everything.
But, he broke up with me. I feel sad because I don't feel like what I said was worthy of a breakup....but I am not my boyfriend. I can't control what he feels. I know he is devoted to me 100%...and that is what hurts so much. I love him with all of my heart, and I miss him. Especially on my birthday. We had great plans for today, none of which happened.
The waiting is the hardest part for me. I want to tell him how much I miss and love him, but I know it will do no good. I know he is still mad, and he moved all his belongings out of my house already. He was going to move in with me soon. I was really looking forward to that. :(
I am heartbroken. Bottom line. I know he and I are meant to be together, and that's what hurts so badly. But I also can't go on in a relationship where I am constantly worried that he will break up with me. I cannot make him work on his anger or his jealousy. I can only be there for him... And I wish I still was in his life.
I'm hoping tomorrow I will not fall to pieces as the reality of all of this sets in.
Pam
What I said to him was that one of his best friends and his wife invited me to go to a club with them in a couple of weeks, when he is out of town on a job. The problem is that the club is a "swingers" club. No, I am not a swinger, not even remotely interested in it. But I felt so honored that his friend had asked me to join them...I felt included..that I told my boyfriend I would like to go. He has been to a swingers event months back...took pictures for his best friend's adult website. I never did see the pictures... So, I felt my going was OK...and his friend would be there for me if there were any "problems". Which, I don't think there would be.
I didn't even want to go to this place, but just felt great to be asked.
My boyfriend is very jealous and we have both had insecurity and trust problems. He often works on the road, and that makes it harder. We have gone to counseling once...because we were committed to one another. I felt so great that he would do that for us. I know his is my soul mate, my best friend, just everything.
But, he broke up with me. I feel sad because I don't feel like what I said was worthy of a breakup....but I am not my boyfriend. I can't control what he feels. I know he is devoted to me 100%...and that is what hurts so much. I love him with all of my heart, and I miss him. Especially on my birthday. We had great plans for today, none of which happened.
The waiting is the hardest part for me. I want to tell him how much I miss and love him, but I know it will do no good. I know he is still mad, and he moved all his belongings out of my house already. He was going to move in with me soon. I was really looking forward to that. :(
I am heartbroken. Bottom line. I know he and I are meant to be together, and that's what hurts so badly. But I also can't go on in a relationship where I am constantly worried that he will break up with me. I cannot make him work on his anger or his jealousy. I can only be there for him... And I wish I still was in his life.
I'm hoping tomorrow I will not fall to pieces as the reality of all of this sets in.
Pam

My point is that in a relationship people have to be able to work things out and talk things out rather than just storming out. Since the two of you have had problems before and have gone to counseling together, perhaps you might consider going again?
Maybe you can write him a letter letting him know how you feel about what happened and telling him you understand how he felt and you're sorry and you'd really like to work things out. (I think if my ex told me he wanted to go to a swinger's club, I would probably have been pretty p'od ... but I dom't know that I would have left him over it.)
I broke up with him yesterday because he did not seem happy in the relationship anymore and even told me that when he would see me talking to his roommate, it would push him farther and farther away from me. I felt so helpless because no matter what you say, no matter what you do, they will still be consumed with their thoughts of mistrust.
what you and your bf have to decide is, is there TRUST between you two? If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. If my boyfriend will be getting insecure about every single thing that you do or vice versa, there will always be one person in the relationship which is unhappy. It seems that your boyfriend felt so sad and betrayed that he felt there was no other option than to break up. As I said before, there is nothing you can say or do which will change their minds about trusting you, it is they who must come to realization that they want to TRUST you.
Whatever happens from now on with you and your (ex)boyfriend, be strong and we can all get through this. I'm not dead, im still alive haha and as sad as I am right now today and probably will be for a long time, we all never know what will happen in the future if we will meet someone else, if we will come back and be with the person we were with before. I guess we just have to get through each day by day and hopefully it will get easier and easier. I wish the best for you , whatever happens.
I will keep you posted on how things go...and be here for all of you, too.
Pam