trust, jealousy, and our 2nd breakup

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
trust, jealousy, and our 2nd breakup
4
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 11:02pm
I just turned 32; today is my birthday. It hasn't been a great one. My boyfriend and I had a party at my house last night...all of our friends, great times. But, I said something to upset him, and he got angry and stormed out. I feel bad for saying what I did, but I also feel angry that he broke up with me over it. He broke up with me in July as well, over similar issues.

What I said to him was that one of his best friends and his wife invited me to go to a club with them in a couple of weeks, when he is out of town on a job. The problem is that the club is a "swingers" club. No, I am not a swinger, not even remotely interested in it. But I felt so honored that his friend had asked me to join them...I felt included..that I told my boyfriend I would like to go. He has been to a swingers event months back...took pictures for his best friend's adult website. I never did see the pictures... So, I felt my going was OK...and his friend would be there for me if there were any "problems". Which, I don't think there would be.

I didn't even want to go to this place, but just felt great to be asked.

My boyfriend is very jealous and we have both had insecurity and trust problems. He often works on the road, and that makes it harder. We have gone to counseling once...because we were committed to one another. I felt so great that he would do that for us. I know his is my soul mate, my best friend, just everything.

But, he broke up with me. I feel sad because I don't feel like what I said was worthy of a breakup....but I am not my boyfriend. I can't control what he feels. I know he is devoted to me 100%...and that is what hurts so much. I love him with all of my heart, and I miss him. Especially on my birthday. We had great plans for today, none of which happened.

The waiting is the hardest part for me. I want to tell him how much I miss and love him, but I know it will do no good. I know he is still mad, and he moved all his belongings out of my house already. He was going to move in with me soon. I was really looking forward to that. :(

I am heartbroken. Bottom line. I know he and I are meant to be together, and that's what hurts so badly. But I also can't go on in a relationship where I am constantly worried that he will break up with me. I cannot make him work on his anger or his jealousy. I can only be there for him... And I wish I still was in his life.

I'm hoping tomorrow I will not fall to pieces as the reality of all of this sets in.

Pam
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:17pm
I'm sorry for your pain. I'm not sure what I can say that would help you. But the one thing that comes to mind is that having a man who blows up and storms out probably isn't such a good thing. I think you know that, right? If he objected to your going to the club, he could just have told you how he felt about it. He might even have requested that you not go. Would you have been ok with that and not gone if it bothered him?

My point is that in a relationship people have to be able to work things out and talk things out rather than just storming out. Since the two of you have had problems before and have gone to counseling together, perhaps you might consider going again?

Maybe you can write him a letter letting him know how you feel about what happened and telling him you understand how he felt and you're sorry and you'd really like to work things out. (I think if my ex told me he wanted to go to a swinger's club, I would probably have been pretty p'od ... but I dom't know that I would have left him over it.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 5:49pm
Hi Pam. I am sorry that this post does not include a solution to your problem just some comfort that you are not alone. My birthday is on Thursday 10/7 and I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday morning. I did not break up because I did not love him or because I did not want to be in the relationship anymore but for awhile we were having ALOT of issues, one of them regarding TRUST. It is the worst feeling in the world when the one you love does not have trust in you or much trust in anyone as I am assuming that you did not give him any reason NOT to trust you, as in cheating or anything like that. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for two and a half years and he never fully trusted me. He would always ask me "who was on the phone when I got a call, where are you going, who are you going with, why are you talking to my roommate so much?" It sounds ridiculous because you know in your heart that you would NEVER ever cheat or do anything that would purposely hurt him. On Thursday I will be 29 years old and I envisioned this guy to be around for my future. We almost had a baby but we were both not ready so early in our relationship, yet we made it through that painful experience and I figured we could make it through anything.

I broke up with him yesterday because he did not seem happy in the relationship anymore and even told me that when he would see me talking to his roommate, it would push him farther and farther away from me. I felt so helpless because no matter what you say, no matter what you do, they will still be consumed with their thoughts of mistrust.

what you and your bf have to decide is, is there TRUST between you two? If there is no trust, then there is no relationship. If my boyfriend will be getting insecure about every single thing that you do or vice versa, there will always be one person in the relationship which is unhappy. It seems that your boyfriend felt so sad and betrayed that he felt there was no other option than to break up. As I said before, there is nothing you can say or do which will change their minds about trusting you, it is they who must come to realization that they want to TRUST you.

Whatever happens from now on with you and your (ex)boyfriend, be strong and we can all get through this. I'm not dead, im still alive haha and as sad as I am right now today and probably will be for a long time, we all never know what will happen in the future if we will meet someone else, if we will come back and be with the person we were with before. I guess we just have to get through each day by day and hopefully it will get easier and easier. I wish the best for you , whatever happens.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 10:12pm
(((Pam))) Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry to here about your break-up...especially right b4 your b-day!! I know how heartbroken you must be. It's really hard...if not impossible to make a relationship work when one of the people involved has a jealousy or trust problem...let alone both of those....and talking of "swinging" events is always touchy in most relationships. I do think he is being unreasonable since he went to a swinger event...although that may be why he's so upset....because he knows what goes on there now. I know there is nothing I can really say or do to make you feel better...and I'm sorry for that. I think the best thing you can do right now is to get out of the house and keep yourself busy so you have less time to sit around the house and mope!!! If it's meant to be...it will be but if it's not it won't....and honestly until he gets his jealousy in check I think you will always have problems. I once had a very jealous bf....he accused me of sleeping with his nasty brother that was old enough to my dad....so many times....he even told people I slept with him but would deny it when I brought it up that so and so said this...but how else would they know what he had been accusing me of behind closed doors?? We broke up and got back together several times but finally I had enough and ended it for good....and I'm much happier not having to deal with all that hassle now. One day (no matter what happens) you'll feel better to. We're here to help....so feel free to post as much as you like. Good luck and keep us posted!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 6:25pm
Wow! I have posted a couple times on a few other relationship boards here on iVillage, but I must say, this is definitely the most open and thoughtful one! Thank you all for your posts and support. I am happy to report that my bf called the next morning, and we are working things out, hopefully for the better. What I was most impressed about his call is that he had already made an appt to see a counselor...without my even asking or suggesting. I feel that is a huge step for him, and for us. I am excited to see what happens, yet a bit scared and nervous, too. I will be here for him 100% of the way...but I told him that he has to do this by himself. I cannot make his appts in the future for him or make him consistently continue going to his appts. I need to see him doing it himself. He agreed, but I could tell he hadn't thought about that. We can only do so much for our partners...I have my own things to deal with.

I will keep you posted on how things go...and be here for all of you, too.

Pam