Why? (sad situation)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Why? (sad situation)
5
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 11:21pm
Hi, I am new to this board and I have a question. Well, here is the story - I am in my mid twenties, I met a man in his mid twenties. We lived right by each other and moved pretty fast - ended up sleeping together, I met his family and friends, he called me everyday, and he treated me great the first month and in that first month we fell totally in love with each other (or I guess now, looking back at it, was probably a strong infatuation). The second month he bought and moved to a new house fifteen minutes away and decided to rent it out to four male roommates for the first year only. I also got a new job and so we saw each other less and he also called me a lot less. He said he was sorry and that he should have more time later for me and he said he still loved me. So, the third month comes and he is still calling me less (in fact even more less), yet he still says he loves me on the phone and now when he says he will call me he does not. And by the way I would usually let him call me and I would only call every now and then. By the time this third month is nearing its end I start to get worried and I figure that since I have met his family, it would be okay to call his mom to ask things are okay which was a big mistake on my part because I probably made his mom's psycho list and now I know to never do that again, but I am sure you can understand why I did it. So, I ended up writing a note to him and sent it to him telling him that I think if two people love each other that they will find the time to be together and maybe what we had was a strong infatuation and we moved too fast and so on. It has been about one week since I did that. I wished we could have talked through this breakup but he never called back. I have NEVER been so broken hearted in my life and I don't understand why if this wasn't really love then WHY does it hurt so very much?? And WHY is he such a coward to not call me back and give me answers like I deserve?? How could this have happened? - Yes, I made some mistakes, like calling his mom, but nobody is perfect and if that is the reason he is leaving then I think it is a foolish mistake. I truly cared about him and gave him lots of space and I wonder if he will ever realize that a connection like we had does not come along everyday (he did say that he never felt the way with anybody ever before as he did with me and I felt the same).
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 12:26am
Freshens, welcome to the board!

As you read more posts, you will see a pattern that a lot of men just disappear without a trace. You can call them "Houdinis"! I guess they just don't have hearts, or compassion, or guts, the way women do. Even the most decent, sweetest guys do this (mine was one of them). I am still not over the shock that this guy was such an inconsiderate, selfish -ss! Men seem to think walking out & leaving is the best way to fix problems. They don't realize they will carry this "baggage" of whatever happened with them/the relationship, etc into their next relationship.

You may have felt that it was love, it doesn't seem that he feels the same. (You make the time to call & see the people that you love, he hasn't been). It seems you might also be interested in the book, "He is Just Not that Into You". It is heart-breaking to hear, but very enlightening& empowering! You can read about it on some of the other posts here.

He isn't calling you or paying attention to you. Do you really want a man that treats you like that? Try your best to move on. Do not contact him or his mother! No contact is the best thing you can do to start getting over him & save some pride.

Oh, and don't feel bad about calling the mother. We have all made that sort of mistake before. I remember when I was a kid I drove to my exes house...his mother called the cops on me! LMAO! Yeah, do I have to say that relationship didn't work out! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 11:00pm
Yes, Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry you're going through all this I know it must be very painful. I just have one question....are you sure that your letter couldn't have possibly been misunderstood as a break-up letter?? Just wondering. I know it's very sad but the truth is most relationships that start out as fast and as furious as yours tend to fizzle out just as fast. And yes I know there are exceptions but they tend to be few and far between. I do think he should have called to verbalize the break-up but some guys are to cowardly for that. There are several people here going through simillar pain that you are and I think they'll be more than happy to share there stories with you and you can help each other heal. You are always welcome here and can post as often as you like and we'll try our best to help. Good luck!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:01am
In the letter I wrote, I said that "I suppose I have no choice but to move on," yet I also said at the end of the letter to "Please let me know what you want." I said in the letter that he could write me back a letter or call me to let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 12:31pm
Hi, it's me. I just have to get this out there because I am still hurting so much and I am still so confused about everything. I can't believe that he has not called me back and I can't stop thinking about how everything seemed so totally and completely right and how wonderful he was and how he treated me so well the first month. I can't stop thinking about the happy times together and how I thought he was the sweetest because he did sweet things for me. I can't stop thinking about what was said. We were supposed to love each other always and forever. That is what he said he wanted and that was what I wanted. Listen to me, I feel like I am getting divorced after a 50 year marriage. That is how strong this love was to me. Yet, I have been told that it was probably an infatuation and that true love takes time over time. It is just that I know that this happened fast, yet it feels like it was the exception and was love - at least the first month it did. I know that talk is cheap, but words are powerful to me since I take things literally. I know I have learned a lot but I still want and deserve answers from him because I have all these questions. I wish I knew what he was thinking and I am wondering if he has been thinking about the happy times we had together and if he is heartbroken at all. I sure am and part of me does want to work things out because what we had was special but part of me doesn't because the trust I had with him has been ruined. I get all these mixed messages from him and I still want to know why. It is like, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking about the happy times together and how it seemed so completely right. I am so sad and confused and I hate this feeling and I don't know what to do.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:49pm
I think the hard thing to come to terms with is that he is giving you an answer, even if it's not the answer you wanted from him. Sometimes actions speak louder than words and the fact that he isn't saying anything speaks volumes.

I know it hurts. You must feel so powerless and abused. He's just being so unfair, right? I know because I had the same feeling when I broke up with my ex. I felt like the pain would never end. I was also with my ex for 3 months and he was really sweet and wonderful in the beginning but began to be less so the more we got to know each other.

I think you're just going to have to accept that for him the relationship is over and that you may never know why. He may come around eventually. Perhaps you should write him another letter to tell him how you feel, but don't expect anything in return. Sometimes men (and women) figure that the fact that they're not calling or writing sends a clear enough message. It's not a kind or generous thing to do but a lot of people do it because they don't want to deal with their partner's feelings. So they run and are never heard from again. Often they'll say they didn't verbally express the desire to break up because they didn't want to hurt the other person. In reality, they're probably just protecting themselves.

I'm sorry you're going through this. But let me tell you that standing here today, 3 weeks and 2 days after the breakup of my 3 month relationship that it does get better. It really does. (And I loved my boyfriend very much as well, and we had talked about getting engaged in October.) You will get over this, and you will be happy again.