I got jealous, he left. Need advice.
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:10am |
I was dating a fellow for about a month and it was fabulous. All signs indicated both of us were into each other. We had a connection and spent 3-4 days together a week. As mentioned earlier, it was fabulous - great conversations: humorous and serious, common activities: jogging, eating out, wine tasting, we were both career oriented, taking great pride in our contributions at work, and we were also sexually attracted to one another.
Everything was going rosy until we went to dinner one night and I noticed he had a scratch on chin with 2 little bruises right below it. I asked him where he got the scratch and he said he didn't remember, he may have got it mountain biking 2 days prior.
I immediately go into shut down mode. I think he is lying to me and get really quiet. I'm already a very jealous and insecure person - not a positive trait, I know, but I am going to therapy to work through those issues. He keeps asking me what is wrong and I say nothing, although something is obviously wrong with me. We leave the restaurant and go back to my place. When we got out of the cab, he asks me again, what is wrong. I finally confess that I find it hard to believe that he does not remember where he got the scratch and bruise on his chin.
He gets extremely angry with me and states that he can't believe he has to explain to me where he got the scratch. I tell him I'm sorry, I just find it hard to believe you can't remember where you got such a rather large scratch. He states that he see where this is going and storms off.
A couple days later he stops by my place to tell me he can't see me anymore because my behavior was was out of line. He said that for me to react that way after one month was inappropriate and he couldn't handle it. He said maybe after 4 or 5 months, fine, but after one month - it was too much for him.
I was totally confused. We were what I thought, extremely close, and I had no idea he would react that way by confessing what was really bothering me that evening. I am trying to reconcile the good times we had with that one negative interaction we had and I'm confused. Was what I did really that bad and warranting of him leaving me?
Would love your thoughts.
Edited 10/4/2004 2:11 am ET ET by smrtyjnz

It sounds to me like he's the one with the problem here. The two of you might have used this as an opportunity to explore your feelings and discuss where you think the relationship is headed. If he really cared about you he would have been concerned about your issues and would have tried to allay your anxiety.
I'm not sure that being together one month versus four or five is really the issue here. It sounds to me like the two of you were spending a lot of time together and perhaps went too far too fast. In most cases, from what I've learned, that's just not a good idea. I know it's tempting because in the beginning everything is so exciting and you just can't seem to get enough of each other. Unfortunately seeing each other too much in the beginning often leads to abrupt endings.
As much as you loved this man and thought this relationship had a future, it doesn't seem like he felt the same way. I was recently involved in a similar situation ... We were together for 3 months and started off pretty quickly. Within 2 months he started taking me for granted, and when problems arose he just shut down. I felt so hurt and insulted that he wasn't willing to work on our problems that I left. I'm not sure it's a question of who's wrong and who's right in my situation or in yours. But it does sound like you need to accept his decision and move on.
It's good that you're in therapy and dealing with your jealousy issues.
Please keep in touch and let us know what's going on. We're here for you and for each other. (You can also feel free to email me through my profile.)