Made decision to break up... now what?

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Registered: 10-04-2004
Made decision to break up... now what?
3
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 6:44pm
My boyfriend and I have lived together for four years, and just got engaged this past August. We get along, and he's a good guy... but for the last year or so, I've gone back and forth between feeling like we are more good friends than anything else. We've worked on recreating that spark and have tried to put fun back into our relationship a few times, with no luck. I didn't think either of us was getting much from the relationship. I just no longer feel that there is anything there. Intimacy seems more like a chore. His jokes aren't funny to me anymore. I also realized a while back that I've been comparing our relationship to the one with my ex from 5 years ago. (That relationship ended because I didn't communicate and was basically young and stupid. Time has changed both of us, for the better.) Through much soul-searching and thought, I have decided that the ex and I were meant to be, and want to give the relationship another try. As fate would have it, he came back into my life recently totally by accident through me finding his journal online. We've emailed back and forth a few times, I told him my thoughts and explained honestly what I want, and he's willing to try again.

This past weekend, I broke up with with my current boyfriend. I sat him down and told him that I've been unhappy for quite a while, which I thought he knew, but he acted surprised. I said that I needed to figure out what I want and what will make me happy, and that it's not fair to him for me to keep him in that type of relationship when I'm obviously not happy. He basically said "okay, if that's what you want" and slept on the couch. When I woke up in the morning, and saw him teary-eyed, I got sucked into thinking I had made a mistake. So I said that I would try to work on it and still stay with him, but that I couldn't make any promises because I don't know when or even if I might come out of this. (By the way, I have not told him about the ex yet.) So now, two days later, I'm right back to feeling that I was right in my decision, but don't know what to do. I don't think this can be worked be out, because I honestly believe I'm with the wrong person. He didn't do anything wrong, he's just not "the one" anymore.

So.... this brings me to my question. How do I go about telling him that I don't feel we can work it out, when he doesn't seem to think anything's wrong? And also, should I be completely honest and tell him about the ex thing? I keep thinking how much I don't want to hurt him, but I know that's inevitable. I know he'll hate me, and even though we were great friends before I doubt he'd want to stay friends after. We also work together (for now, not knowing when I might move back across country to be with the ex... that's how certain I am that we'll end up back together). I could really use some words of wisdom here! Thanks so much.


Edited 10/4/2004 8:14 pm ET ET by mlissamoore

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:31pm
Welcome to the board!! One question really pops in to my mind and you don't have to answer it....but I can't help but wonder if you felt this way about your current bf before you happened upon your ex's online journal or did seeing those just bring back memories of the good old days and since haven't been happy with the bf?

If you really aren't happy with your bf and no longer want the relationship then you're going to have to end it....the longer you wait the more he's going to get hurt. I wouldn't mention the ex....because I think that would just be a slap in the face and he'd feel inadequate.

I do think you should take some time between ending this relationship and starting a new one....just to make sure you're going in to this with a clean slate and no left over baggage from your current relationship.

Good luck and keep us posted!!!

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 9:52pm
Sorry, I did forget to mention that important part...

About two years ago, things started popping up all over the place that reminded me of my ex... so I'd think about him for a while, then decide it was just a trip down memory lane and put him "back on the shelf" so to speak, all the while trying to build something more with the current boyfriend. But it kept happening more and more, and since I'm a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, when I came across that journal so out of the blue, I decided that I needed to take the chance. So there's that backstory, can't believe I forgot to include it in the first place. Thanks for responding, by the way!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:00am
I should also mention if I didn't already that the ex lives across the country... I haven't seen him since we broke up, so I'm not cheating. But I was wondering, does anyone think I should've waited to break things off with current boyfriend before having even contacted the ex? I feel guilty about that.. but a part of me says the timing doesn't matter. I'm so confused..... Ugh.