Torn. Need strength, courage and wisdom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
Torn. Need strength, courage and wisdom.
2
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 11:05am
I cannot believe how miserable and sad i have allowed myself to become over a man who cannot and WILL NOT make any sort of commitment to me. He won't even allow himself to fall in love with me.

Deep inside, i believe he is a wonderful, sweet, genuine, sincere one-of-a-kind person.

But then i tell myself: what good is that if he can't fulfill my needs?

So why am i hanging on?

I thought i had mustered the strength to walk away last weekend. To end everything, and never allow myself to cry or hurt over him ever again. But then we held each other, and something inside of me told me that perhaps it would be worth it to fight on, to try harder, to lower my expectations ...

I thought that i had convinced myself that i would make one last ditch attempt to make things work.

But it's turning out that i'm still torn, that i still feel in limbo, half of me wanting to break away NOW and the other half still clutching on tightly to ... a dream?

I need the courage and strength to go one way or the other ... but i can't stand it much longer being in the middle like this. I feel so shattered and battered.

Sorry if i sound like a total nutcase. But i've been trying to talk myself out of the hurt, trying to talk myself into being strong. And trying to bat away that small voice that keeps creeping up to me and saying "well, it's not working".

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:51pm
Just out of curiousity: how old are both of you and how long have you been involved? What is it that you would like from him and have you told him what you want and need? How does he respond?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:22pm
Dearest Mira Eleth:

I know you're hurting. And I'm really sorry you're hurting. Things will get better as time goes on, but you have to allow yourself to heal. It's okay to feel pain. Please, please, please don't try to deny yourself the right to feel pain over him. It's a loss. And all losses need to be mourned. And if you don't mourn it, you will act out in worse ways later and in the end it will be bad. It's okay to cry over him. It's okay to feel pain over him. It's normal. It's natural. You're human. Let it run its course. He is not ready for you, he may never be, who knows. But let him figure that out for himself. If you could, try to end things really, and then not contact him for a bit. It's hard. but if you can do it, it will be the first step. Then take it one day at a time. Come to this message board which has helped plenty of us tremendously and post how you feel and we will all be there for you. Talk to your friends about it. Maybe even seek counseling (if you aren't already doing so) Some days will be "strong days" some will be "weak days". But believe me, you ALREADY HAVE THE STRENGHT, AND YOU ALREADY HAVE THE WISDOM (Since you KNOW this guy is probably not able to give you what you need) It's all about mustering up the courage to not be in denial anymore. The courage to let go of something that is toxic and is preventing you from moving on to bigger and better things. I promise you, you will get better. Things will get better. But please allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to feel the pain. It's the only way to get to the other side: You gotta go straight through the pain.

Good luck. Stay strong. Write us back.