Proud of myself, I guess...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Proud of myself, I guess...
8
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:55pm
Well...it's now October 5th--his birthday was yesterday, and I did NOT acknowledge it in any way. So I'm pretty proud of myself for that...I feel like it was a big step forward in my healing process. But I still feel somewhat bad...although who knows, maybe he wasn't expecting to hear from me. Maybe he's forgotten about me already...maybe I'm off his buddy list, off his phone, and off his mind completely. Maybe he didn't want to hear from me--that was a fear of mine. I told myself I'd be fine if he didn't respond, but then I thought about it some more and I realized I would feel like a big piece of sh*t once again if he didn't answer...

It's quite possible that he's given up on the idea of us ever talking again, and that he's totally fine with that. Maybe it's what he wants--he probably had fun playing his little game with me for awhile, and now he's done. He has everything he wants...a new girlfriend, a good school, money, looks, and his best friend in the world living with him. Why would he need me in his life--an old girlfriend who lives about 10 hours away? It's weird to think about him not needing me anymore...for awhile, I was his support, his rock. I helped him get through a lot of rough times when we were just friends and when we were dating...I guess that's why I was expecting him to be there for me while I'm dealing with this--but I was wrong, very wrong.

It's soooooooo strange to think that we will most likely never speak again. This is the longest time in 2+ years that we've gone without having some form of communication. For two years we talked basically nonstop...he never once ignored me, never once made me feel as though he didn't want me in his life. Of course after we broke up, things changed...he ignored most of my attemps to contact him--but he still got ahold of me every once in awhile. I know that wasn't enough--that he wasn't treating me the way I deserved, and that no matter how badly I wanted to remain in his life I couldn't settle for that. But I still felt better then because he still tried occasionally. I felt better then (sometimes) because I still had that hope...not necessarily the hope that we'd get back together, but the hope that he could still be a part of my life and me a part of his. I cared about and loved him so much that I was willing to take whatever he would give me...

As you all know, I eventually came to my senses (somewhat) and stopped having contact with him. I realize deep down that it's for the best...that what he was doing was slowly killing me inside. It wasn't healthy, or what I deserve...but I still have my doubts sometimes. Maybe if I had just kept trying, he would have wanted to become friends eventually. He told me once that it seemed like I didn't care enough, that if I really wanted to be friends I would keep trying to "redeem myself." And sometimes I worry that maybe he's right...that I'm giving up too easily. But then I ask myself, "what am I trying to hold onto exactly?" What's the point? All he's done for the past 4 months is tell me that he misses me, that he still cares...and then he puts in absolutely NO effort to be my friend and makes me feel like crap. So I lied to him...he acted shady as well! We're both at fault here yet he tries to place all the blame on me. It isn't fair.

I keep asking myself why I want to be his friend...he's shown his true colors since the breakup, and both times we've talked since then have been awful. I don't want to hear about his new girlfriend/life, I don't want him to know how hurt/vulnerable I still am towards him. I don't want him to know the power he has over me...I don't want him to see that I'm not as happy as he supposedly is. He isn't trustworthy, he isn't nice, he isn't even close by. But I just remember the way things used to be, before we started dating...we were really good friends and I miss that. Of course, there was always some flirtation between us...maybe he was only my friend because he knew something more could happen, and once it did and he got tired of it, he didn't want anything to do with me anymore...

I feel like I still need closure, but I don't know how to get it. I want to talk to him...but that never goes well. I hate that we ended on bad terms! I hate that he apparently doesn't think very highly of me...I know I shouldn't care what he thinks. I know that he's really just a jerk...but I still do for some reason. I don't want our breakup to be MY loss anymore...I want it to be his. I really think I'd feel better knowing that we ended on decent terms...that neither of us were angry with each other. I think I'd feel better then, even if he still didn't want to be friends. I just hate when people are mad at me...and I know most breakups never end on a good note, but I wish to god mine had...

Sometimes I want to contact him so badly, yell at him and say "HEY, I STILL EXIST! HOW COULD YOU FORGET ME SO EASILY? I WAS A BIG PART OF YOUR LIFE FOR 2+ YEARS!" I want to ask him if what we had ever actually meant something to him...or if it really was just a game to him. I want him to know that I'm still alive...that yes, I am a real person with real feelings. I want to know how he could have just moved on so quickly...I want to know if he ever really loved me. But I know I will most likely never find out the answers to these questions...and it sucks.

I'm trying to give myself closure within...I'm spending a lot more time with family/friends, trying to keep myself busy. I'm even starting to look at other guys...but I don't know. It scares me to think I may never get over this.

"The two hardest things in life are saying hello for the first time and goodbye for the last."

"In every lifetime there is one great love and one unforgettable heartbreak."

"It's so weird, you know? How we always inevitably find ourselves wanting to run back to the ones we used to love, for some reason thinking it would work out differently the second time around."




iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:20pm
i wanted to write something but you wrote everything i was feeling....i feel like you put my heart on paper for all to see....i don't know why i want him either ...i think i am just feeling the abandonment and rejection and anger because we never had closure and i did not get to vent ....i feel cheated....but i know that he will never allow me to vent because he will never say that he was wrong or that he is sorry
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 6:01pm
It's good to know that someone else is feeling the same way...god, it's rough isn't it?

It's been over 4 months since we broke up and I still think of him constantly. I still wonder what he's doing, if he's thinking of me, if he misses me at all. I still hope that he'll contact me...although that hope is slowly fading over time. I keep telling myself that if he really wanted to talk to me, he would get ahold of me--and he hasn't in two weeks, so what does that say? His actions speak for themselves...but it's still hard. I still feel guilty sometimes, like I should be doing more myself...like there's some way I could still reach him and that I'm giving up too easily.

Like you, I don't necessaily want my ex back either...I just want closure at this point. It would be nice to have him in my life, but with every day that passes, I'm realizing that he really isn't the type of friend I want or need. Still, I'm not going to lie and deny the fact that I still remember the good and long for that side of him again.

I'm sorry you haven't been able to get closure either. I can definitely relate to the way you feel--as much as I hope otherwise, I can almost 100% guarantee that my ex will never admit he did anything wrong or apologize to me...he will never give me the answers and the closure I am seeking. It's up to me to find it...but it's going to be quite difficult.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:30am
after 4 month i still wake up at 3/4 in the morning thinking about him.. i know that he is spending all of his time with her and has probably made them into a family....why can't i just accept that .... i want to yell and scream at him in one instance and to hold him in my arms in another.... i know that he will not call or e-mail me unless he hears of some tragedy in my life because we said we would be "friends" but i think the only meant that in passing and to soften the blow...maybe i won't matter at all in a couple of months or maybe now...he could be so happy in love that he only needs to think of her and i wish i could be mad but that is how he was with me and why i fell in love with him....he treats the woman that he loves very well... i guess i am just jealous that it is not me anymore....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:58pm
Oh, I know exactly how you feel. My ex's B-day is the 15th and it will be the first birthday he's had in 8 years where I won't be there. I broke up with him because after 8 years of dating he was still unsure of a future with me and showed little interest in going any further.

This will also be the first time in 8 years that we've been separated for more than a month. He admitted that this was all his fault, and that's he's messed up in the head right now but I wonder if we'll ever talk again. We were really good friends, saw each other every day, took turns staying each other's places. He must miss me and be thinking of me. But will he ever call again? To say Hi maybe? I hate that I hope he will, but I feel like it would be a shame to never speak again after spending 8 years with someone.

I won't acknowledge his birthday either. He'll probably go out with his friends and have a good time (that's what I'll be doing), but when he finally gets home that night, it should hurt that I won't be there and I had been all this time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 3:27pm
it should hurt but if i was in a relationship with someone else i don't thin that i would call my ex either .....i guess they are only doing what we would if we were the ones that broke up with them
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 6:43pm
Thanks for your response...8 years huh? I thought 2 years was a long time, but wow.

I really feel relieved now that I didn't acknowledge his birthday. I don't think he wants to hear from me...I don't think it would have meant anything to him, and I honestly don't think he would have responded at all--leaving me to feel like an a*s. I'm sure he spent his birthday with his new girlfriend...I highly doubt he even thought of me at all.

You are right, it does seem like a shame to have no contact after such a long time...especially in your case. My ex and I were really good friends for a year before we started dating. I miss that part of my life...that's what I loved the most about him. We even used to give each other relationship advice! I wonder what he'd say about this situation...

Of course he treats me horribly now and isn't the type of friend I want or need now. But it's still so sad to think that I will probably never speak to him again. He was a big part of me and my life for so long...it's difficult to let go, move on, and pretend somewhat like those 2+ years didn't exist. But that's what he's been doing...and he seems really happy, so maybe I should take a clue from him? :b

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out...I can't imagine how strange it must feel to not have him anymore after 8 years (I thought MY situation was bad!). But you sound like you're doing alright...it's good you're doing NC. I tried to keep in contact with my ex for 4 months after the breakup (even though he was seeing someone else right away), and that just tore me apart. Even though I still miss him sometimes and wish that he would remember me, acknowledge my existence...I've realized that having NC really is for the best in the end. So good luck...be strong :) and take good care of yourself!

P.S. I'm glad you're going out with friends the night of his birthday...that should help keep you distracted. Have fun!

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 12:16am
Congratulations, kcl! I am really proud of you. You're an inspiration to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:44am
Hey Laura,

Thanks...I've been wondering where you've been lately! I haven't heard from you or seen you post in awhile--how are things? Feeling any better?

It was hard getting through his birthday, but I did it...however, lately I've found myself thinking of him, wondering if I should contact him for some reason. So I guess you could say I've been having some weak moments lately :( But hopefully these moments will pass without me giving in...because I know NC is still for the best. We'll see.

I hope to remain an inspiration for you :) Take care!