HELP!!!
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:55am |
In may of this year, I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years. I was with him in my undergrad days and we continued our relationship after univeristy. After 4 years of being together, I decided to go away, and while ona trip back home, we both agreed that we wanted to be engaged. I eventually returned home 2 months later.
My ex never finished his degree and in September of 2002, both he and I enrolled, him to finish his undergrad and me to start a post graduate diploma. After a year, I graduated and he did not. He claimed he had several courses to complete under new regulations. I started working and he saw me mainly when he picked me up to take me to work on his way to campus. He started fraternizing with the younger students in his class, he at the time being 27 and they 19/20/21. I also noticed that he was hanging out in the cafeteria all day instead of going to class and at the bar next to the university. When it came to my needs interms of functional needs he was there, but he was so distracted with his crowd that our relationship was suffering. He claims that he just was too busy with school to pay me enough attention.
Anyways my problem:- I love him. I didn't want to break up with him. But I started to feel like I was there because he was used to me. I asked him to decide whether were together out of convenience or love, he laughed and told me i was grumpy. The next time we spoke i was civil, he asked me if we were through and i said "I guess so".
He was mad at first, he didnt ask why, he just said have a nice life. Then he became more civil and said we had things to return. Stuff i left at his place and him at mine.
Soon after the break up, we discussed that we both had other issues to deal with, he was trying to graduate and find a permanent job and I was trying to do my masters and find a good job. We both were too distracted to focus on us. I guess i was still trying to be rational at that point. He told me he wanted to make up but not now. That wa sin May, its now October.
Since then we have slept together a few times, he has told me he loved me when i asked once on his own in a heated discussion, he has taken me out etc once in a while. I do not however feel any commitment. He gets annoyed when i bring up making up. He says I nag him.
He tells me where he goes, I don't ask really. If I need something he does it no more. Once in a while he offeres more. He still says he doesn't mind making up but not now.
Honestly it feels as if he is holding this thing over my head. He is still hanging out with his young people and doing the activities they do, they call him grandpa apparently. I am certain he gets a lot of attention from them. I feel they use him too to drive them around etc.
I have mixed feelings....
Should I be patient?
Is he holding on to me in case?
Shouldn't he have decided he wants me by now and said so?
He is not the talkative type, and I might be misinterpreting kind hearted gestures as gestures of potential commitmment.
He has said, he has up till now lived his life one day at a time, without me in it.
I feel like he has taken the break up and ran with it.
I am hurt diappointed that i didnt mean enough for him to fight. He said he not manipulating me to coming back, but i chose to try to work it out and he resists when i bring it up.
Please help me. My head hurts and I cannot find myself like everyone says i should be doing.

I can't really speak to what's in his heart and mind because I don't know him. But I do hear your suffering, and feeling the pain you do on a daily basis is just no way to live. I think you're old enough to know where you stand with someone and to be going forward in a relationship, rather than just hanging out which sounds like you're doing.
He seems to be getting all the benefits of a committed relationship (sex and occasional companionship) without putting in any work. This would just drive me crazy.
I know you love this guy, but it just doesn't sound like he's treating you very well. If I were you I'd be really clear with him about what you want. If he doesn't want the same thing you want in the same time frame, you're just wasting your time and setting yourself up for heartbreak further down the road.
thank you iamdelightful for your post.
I talked to him today. He said we should talk. Somehow we ended up talking on phone. It lasted three hours. He told me he wanted to be with me but realized we both had to change before we could ever be together. Eventually we were going around in circles. Mainly cause of me I guess. after 3 hours he got upset and said he tired being roped in all the time like a dog on a leash, and I had three chioces. 1. be friends, 2 break up for good or three we want to make up but not now.
I dealt witht the whole thing really bad.
I feel so crappy.
I doh know what to do.
I in real pain still.
Then i continued to message him like a fool on msn first i told him i wanted to make up
then i told him i want to say goodbye.
I doh know what i want anymore.
I just wanted him to love me alone.
I just wanted him to love me alone.
Did you mean I just wanted him to leave me alone? Or did you mean you wanted him to love you and no one else? Or did you mean his love made you feel alone?
Hang in there.
What should I do?
I want to make up with him but he doesnt want to get back together now. I am scared that if I don't go he will think I don't want him and find someone else.
I do think it's possible to be friends with exes but only after substantial healing has taken place. Usually that requires a lot of time ...
If you love him and you want to be his girlfriend, don't settle for anything less. It'll just make you feel bad about yourself.
I feel like if we remain friends its going to be more heartache down the road.
I have to agree with you on that one. Why would you want to choose the option that includes heartache? Let him go. Cut him loose. It sounds to me like what you really want is to be his girlfriend and to have working relationship. Being relegated to friend status and having to hear about his other love interests is just too painful in my opinion.