A guilt trip in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
A guilt trip in a relationship
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 4:16pm
I have a man who have in&out relationship with someone else for years. I didn't know that for a while. Well, we were friends for about 2 years before we got involved. After we got involved, he gradually started to mention about his other relationship. Although he didn't say much, (he gets defensive often, so I didn't push a botton) I was able to get some ideas about his relationship with her. He knows that he is a very difficult person to get along with, but she has been always sticking around him. However, he doesn't seem to be attracted to her. He says, she is nice, she cares about him and she tells him, "I love you" all the time. They don't fight, she gives in easily to him.

If you are in a relationship that doesn't bring much in your life, but you are very comfortable with that person, you have no reason to break up, right? Well, I've seen many guys in that situation. Their hope is to break up when they find Ms. Right. The only problem....when they find Ms. Right, it will be more difficult to breakup with Ms. Wrong unless Ms. Wrong is a bitch. This is called, "Guilt trip."

In his case, he sees her for a couple of months, then stop seeing her for another couple of months. So, this in & out relationship has been going on for years. Now, he feels so guilty to leave her alone, especially if a reason is because of me. Well, I understand. If he easily leaves her, I would distrust him more.

Lately, he started to go to see a counselor to resolve issues, but many years of guilt trip is not easily removed.

I really love him, so I let him go once, but I couldn't stay away from him. I know that he made a mistake to keep her and he has a certain caring for her, but not enough to pursue a good long term relationship. Many people say, he is a selfish guy or he used her for many years. I don't think so. She made her choice to stay around by knowing that he is not happy with her.

Need your advice.