Does My Boyfriend Want Out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Does My Boyfriend Want Out?
3
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 8:53am
Hello...

I have been crying now for almost five days and can hardly sleep at. night. I have been dating my boyfriend now for two and a half years. Ten years ago when we met we dated for a year. We are both 46. Anyway, since we have been dating this time he has had chronic problems with unemployment, depression, homelessness, etc. I have stuck it out with him and he is somewhat back on his feet. Anyway, I had noticed in the last several months that our sex life was deteriorating and he seemed more distant. He insisted it was his life circumstances. Well last Friday night after months of holding in, I let it out that he wasn't meeting my needs. I told him he was never affectionate and we were basically in a platonic relationship unless he was horny once in a while. The bottom line is that night has changed everything. Now he says he needs to create space between us and he is not in a place to work on a relationship etc. Part of me feels he was unhappy for quite some time and just used this as a reason to bail out. We talked a couple of nights ago and I was going on why it was a shame to throw away a basically nice relationship. I am going out of town this weekend and he agreed to talk more when we get back. But after going over every thing he said I think I am just kidding myself. I think he wants out and he is just being gentle.

I think I am going to tell him when he calls when I get back that I am willing to let him go without talking about it any more. I just don't want to set myself up for more pain when I think he's really made up his mind.

My boyfriend has NEVER in his life been in a relationship longer than 18 months or so. I am talking mega commitment issues. So I have gone way passed his normal deadline. I have decided its not because I'm so special to him, but because I didn't make waves like the others.

I guess I am just reaching out for support and advice. I don't want to be one of those women who doesn't hear it when her boyfriend is trying to say goodbye.

Thanks...Majatheb

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:19am
Sorry for your situation...it's no fun. I'm one of those women who didn't hear it when my boyfriend was trying to say good-bye (although he did send out conflicting messages...often calling me to come over). Rather than gently parting and dealing with the pain, it ended very badly. I came over one night to find him on the couch with another woman...it was like getting hit in the head with a cinderblock . Now I have the pain of seeing my replacement in his arms on top of the pain of losing my two-year live-in boyfriend. I wish now he had been more decisive and I had listened more carefully to the clues he was sending out.

It sounds to me like you're basically carrying this relationship...please don't allow yourself to be in this position. I did it with 17 years with my ex-husband...it's a lonely existence, I rarely received a fraction of the love and understanding I gave to him. I woke up one day and realized I was just beating a dead horse with a stick.

The pain does subside and even end, although it doesn't seem like it when you have to wipe yourself off the floor from crying each day. It's been a month for me now. I have more days where my mind is on the future and less where I cry about my boyfriend. I think it's time for you to move on. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:42am
I am sorry to say, presently I am your boyfriend. I am in a relationship that I want out of and unfortunatly I am being very vague about it because I don't want to hurt him. I have told him as honestly as possible but he doesn't want to accept it. I have said and given him all the signs that your boyfriend has given you but some people just aren't ready to let go. I believe he is telling you to let go, and although it will be hard at first, it gets easier. I have had my heart broken, but we always get through it. This is the longest relationship I have ever had, I never dated longer than 6 months, and now I realize it isn't for me, at least not right now. Like the old saying goes, if you love something set it free, if it was meant to be it will come back to you. Set that man free and go and explore yourself, love yourself and be your own best friend. And if the relationship is meant to be you two will meet again.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:16pm
wow - this sure hits close to home.

My situation is very similar to yours - except the BF wanted to continue to give it time and wait. I finally realized that not only did he want out, but it gave me a chance to realize I wasn't happy and wanted out (or things to change to create the intimacy).

It is hard but one thing I read recently was maybe it is that he's afraid of intimacy and commitment - but is that what I (or you) want? Do you want to be with someone who truly is afraid of commitment? Will that make YOU happy?

I agree with the last post - work on being your own best friend and get secure with yourself. (I'm trying!) - if it's meant to be, it WILL work out - but you have to take that chance first and let go. Regardless of what happens, you will be in a position to take care of yourself and get healthy again and get your self esteem back - but only if you put yourself in that position.

Good luck!