How Could I Ever Love Again

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
How Could I Ever Love Again
3
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:05pm
I may have spoken to a few of you before but for those who aren't familiar, I had to break up with my boyfriend of 8 years because he admitted to me (after much arm-pulling) that he's unsure of a definite future with me and I was ready to take things to the next step, meaning engagement, moving in together or any kind of real plans towards a future.

The subject of marriage and the future was something we discussed for years. He wanted to marry me, raise a family with me, have a home with me. We reminisced about our future kids, their names, what schools they'd attend, paying off the mortgage, retiring together, the in-laws, you name it. It was assumed and mutual that we'd be together forever. It was discussed like it was inevitable.

Well, he suddenly had a change of heart and over the course of maybe 2 months, lost all interest in me. Our love was, I thought a true love and we'd been inseperable since we were 18 and 21 (we're now 26 and 29).

Now he's gone, no contact, nothing after all these years and I can't help thinking, how can I give my heart to someone else knowing that at any moment, they can take their love away and change their mind. When I met my ex-boyfriend, he was looking for love and determined to make me his. Our romance and how we got together was the most romantic and engaging story and he loved telling people about it. There was a time when I was the most important thing in his life and he let everyone know it. He always considered me his Mrs. and referred to me his fiance. We even went ring shopping last year and he got the info on the one I liked.

I've gone from having the greatest love of my life to nothing! Yes, he's lost the best relationship and woman he's ever had, but I lost my best friend, confidante and companion too! Now I'm suppose to go out in the world and find another guy with all the qualitites I desire (which he already posseses) and hope he never stops loving me. How can I do that?

How can I continue to believe I'll find true love, when it can be shattered so easily?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 3:34pm
There are no guarantees in life. Love is a risk, love is a gamble. And unless you're willing to take that gamble, you won't find love. In order to love again, you eventually will have to open yourself up to the possibility of yes, the risk of getting your heart broken again. There are many heartbreak stories here on this board, but you must remember that there are also a lot of happy and fulfilling love stories in the world. Your 8 years together was not wasted time - you learned from it, experienced happy moments and from those moments have fond memories that will be with you forever. You really don't want to be with someone who doesn't have his heart into the relationship. Being in a relationship like that is worse than being alone. And someday, you will probably be friends again.

Don't be afraid to love again - it's out there for you - you just have to take the gamble.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 5:46pm
Hey, i know how you feel i was w/ my ex for 6 years and i'm 27 now...so i can relate. My boy wasn't as good as yours seems to be but the pain is the same nonetheless. I know the fear and dispair you're feeling, it's been a month and almost a half for me. One thing i can tell u: it DOES get better, with time of course, but it does.

Don't think about the future now, focus on yourself, your needs, your healing. I highly recommend therapy, it'll help u a lot, i know it does for me at least and NC. When u're healed you'll start to think about love in another way.

Take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2004
Sun, 10-10-2004 - 10:53pm
I agree with all of you...love is a crazy thing! I feel really pathetic bc/ I was only with my xb for six months---but for some reason I fell so in love with him. He was the first man that I let into my heart, and he decided to be a bastard and cheat and lie to me. I guess the hardest part is how it all ended---I didn't even get a call or anything resembling the care and love that he promised he felt for me. We broke up in an e-mail, and the excuses he gave me were so lame. I keep thinking about the guy from "Sex in the City" and his "he's just not that into you" theory. Sometimes it makes me feel better bc/ I know that I am beautiful and amazing and that there is someone out there for me. I hope! But at the same time I feel so stupid for falling for him and his lies. He cried the first time we made love, and would spend hours just talking and looking into each others eyes. How was I to know that he would be so deciteful? Love and relationships are hard---there are times that I wish that I never met him bc/ I feel so much pain and hurt. However, I realize that everyone gets their heart broken. If there wasn't heartbreak some of the worlds' greatest artist would have had the feeling to create.

I really don't know what to say...I feel like I'll never love again. No one wants to be hurt---I don't think I could survive another one. As for you--- 8 years is a long time...and my heart goes out to you. I'm sorry----it'll get better though-I promise! I'm still on my way to recovery and re-gaining my life back. However, there hasn't been one day that I haven't thought about him. I partially blame myself---even though I know that it wasn't my fault.

Basically all men suck! If men and women are so different...then how the hell are we supposed to be together? Why is it so hard!