Am I fooling myself?
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| Sun, 10-10-2004 - 6:43pm |
I went out with this guy for about three months. It was very intense and I definitely fell in love with him. I thought everything was going so well when suddenly, out of the blue, he broke up with me. He said that he usually had fallen in love by three months and didn't think it was going to happen with me. He says that I have everything and more that he would look for in a girlfriend and he loves me so much as a friend. We've kept in touch by email and online chatting in the two months since we broke up but haven't seen each other (we live in different cities). We've discussed the "break-up" several times and both of us are frustrated because there seems to be no good reason for it. He claims to be confused and wishes he knew what it was. He also says things like maybe one day he'll realize that he made a big mistake.
I was devastated when he ended things, but since then I've tried to tell myself that I need to move on and just see what happens without pining away for him. I've met a few other guys but I'm just not interested in the whole dating thing right now. I still want to be with him. We've been chatting a lot lately, for hours at a time. Last night I told him that I had a potential date with a new guy but that he hadn't called when he said he would. My ex said he was sorry the guy hadn't called... but he was glad too. Maybe there's some part of him that's jealous. He has told me that he has no interest in dating anyone else.
The other dilemma is that our online chat sessions tend to lead to online sex. Now he's talking about coming to visit me... just to have sex. I'm flattered that he still finds me sexually attractive but I know I'm setting myself up for disaster. One friend said that he's getting his cake and eating it too. He's getting everything from me that he would get in a relationship... without actually having to give me any sort of commitment.
Why doesn't he want to be with me if he can recognize that we would be great together and I have everything he wants? What is he doing right now? Is it just some game or is there a chance he actually will change his mind? I so wish that he would. Any advice would be so welcome... thanks!

If I were you I would just tell him that you have very strong feelings towards him and given your feelings that you would like to be in a committed and exclusive relationship with him. Then asks him if he feels that is possible at present. Listen to what he says. If he says yes, that he would like that to, then you have a relationship on your hands. If he waffles or says he needs to think about it, then you cut him loose. You can do better than some guy who won't commit but uses you for sex. I know you can do better, and you know it too. And he probably knows it as well. But why should he complain? He's getting everything he wants without having to make any effort.
You need to be clear about what you want and need, and let him know it. If he can't meet your needs you really do need to stop having a friendship with him because it's wasting your time and it's leading to pain. You're smarter than that.