Feeling uneasy, is it time?

Avatar for gammagoddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Feeling uneasy, is it time?
3
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 7:03am
Hey everyone, Im hoping someone may be able to offer me some insight.

Ive been dating my boyfriend for two years. I love him so much.

He is from Pittsburgh and I am from New Jersey. This past year we both moved to Philadelphia to close the gap on our long distance relationship.

The problem? He doesnt want to be here and I can tell.

He has a very close knit family who have all been in Pittsburgh for their entire lives. Hes the first to leave and its really hard for him. The drive is 5 hours and for me its only 2.5 hours.

Im really close with my family, ill never move to Pittsburgh and he knows that.

Im starting to feel really guilty and uneasy in our relationship. I dont want to convince him that this is where he should be. We went to Pittsburgh this weekend and everyone we encountered was pouring salt in the wounds by pointing out how far away he is, or putting down Philly for one reason or another. He would agree with them, and each time i was crushed.

I confronted him about my feelings and he said hes not going anywhere right now so I should relax, but I feel that him leaving is inevitable and I feel guilty that he is so far and doesnt want to be. Im wondering if it would just be better for us to be free and for him to have the chance to go back home. I tried to tell him this- I said, If youre going to leave then I want you to tell me because I would rather hear it now. He said he wasnt leaving but Im not convinced and im not comfortable with the whole situation. Yet, it seems when I give him the opening to break it off he doesnt want to.

I love him but when is it time to realize that this might not be right? HELP

Thanks

GammaGoddess

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 1:44pm
First I think it is great that you both could compromise and move somewhere in the middle. He hasn't told you he doesn't want to be in Philadelphia, he said he wasn't going anywhere right now. Believe me, five hours away from family is nothing. I moved from Massachusetts to Pittsburgh to be with me husband 22 years ago. One of us had to make the move and it was easier for me. It was very hard, but it gave my family somewhere to visit. Invite his friends to Philly, it would make a great weekend trip, not too far. There is a joke in Pittsburgh about what defines a family reunion, its Sunday dinner. People born and raised here seem to have a very intense family connection, for good or bad. You don't say how long you have been in Philly, but I would give it time. Don't feel that him leaving is inevitable, you need time to adjust to a new city. In time he will find that his friends from Pittsburgh have moved on with their lives and it won't be the same as when he lived there.

Over time you will develop friends in Philly and you will realize, both of you, that your life is there now. I wouldn't pressure him, he has said he isn't going anywhere right now. Just try to relax and develop interests and friendships where you are now. Good luck!

Avatar for gammagoddess
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:23pm
Thank you so much for your message, I think you are so right on about everything. The bond in Pittsburgh is so old fashioned its a traditional city with major family values which include being close to home and taking care of your parents as they get old.

Its just hard because I love him so much that I want him to be happy and I wonder if maybe he is better off there. His family and family friends make it so hard, they just cant understand why he left. They are upset with him and I think they lay the guilt on so thick. It just makes me crazy because I just want to feel secure in my relationship and not feel guilty about stealing away my boyfriend from his loved ones.

We have both been here for less than a year and I only came here in July. So its new, but its so hard, and I just dont know what the right thing to do is. I worry a lot about it, especially lately, and im trying not to constantly pick fights about it because it isnt helping.

Thank you for your help- any other advice is SOOOO extremely welcomed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 1:16pm
Maybe this will help...I just left my boyfriend of 4 years because I didn't like where we were living and I was constantly miserable being there and I couldn't get it out of my head and he would never say anything to make me think he'd be willing to compromise and move somewhere else, somewhere where I could be happy too. We had been living in Myrtle Beach, SC for two years, we moved there from San Diego, CA because of his job. His parents and grandparents live in Myrtle Beach also. He's been moving up within his company ever since, has money in savings, bought a house and is very happy. I, on the other hand, was never able do find a job that I wanted because it was such a small town. I had no family or friends in SC. I managed to make two friends, but they ended up moving out of state shortly after the friendship started. What I'm trying to get at is for two years, I was unhappy and he knew it. What I really wanted him to say was "Where do you want to be and let's start making plans to make that happen" Instead, he said that if I wanted to leave, I should do it and get it over with. But what he couldn't understand was I truly loved him and didn't want to leave him, just the place we were. So for the next year I kept questioning was love more important or being happy with where I lived. So I stayed. However, my unhappiness had taken its toll and I left without warning last weekend. I'm upset because I love him more than anything, but I couldn't stand being "stuck" in a place I just didn't want to live. I figured, if he really loves me, he'll do what it takes to be where I can be happy too. I think you should talk to him and consider maybe not movign to Pittsburgh, but somewhere closer that you two think you could be happy at.