He wants to be friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2004
He wants to be friends.
4
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 3:19pm
WEll, I posted on here the other day under "will he ever call me again." Well, he did call me, about two days ago. He told me that we didn't break up because of something I did or because something was wrong with the relationship. He said he has a lot on his plate right now and a bunch of stuff in his life that he needs to sort out before he can really be happy in a relationship. And I know he is not lieing about that. I mean before we ever got together he told me that he didn't want a girlfriend because he had so much other stuff to deal with. But I wanted a boyfriend so I pushed. He said he got into the relationship because he thought he was ready for it but now he doesnt think he is.

So I basically told him goodbye, see ya and goodluck. But he wouldn't let me go. He said that he still loved me and cared about me he just needed to sort his life out. He didn't just not want to ever see me again. And he told me he would give me time if I needed it but that I should really consider trying to be his friend. He said he didn't want to throw it all away. And maybe one day when he gets his life together and if I'm still his friend then we should try it again.

Now I'm confused. He tells me he still loves me and I understand that he has problems to deal with but can two people who love each other really be just friends? We were friends before we dated but we didn't feel then what we do now. And should I have any hope whats so ever for our future together? I myself just don't want a relationship right now either. I just want to figure out what I want. But I don't want to throw it all away either. So I told him we could try it but if he wants it then he will have to put effort into it and he said he would. So now I just need some advice please!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2003
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 4:59pm
Hi -

I haven't seen your other posts but I feel for you. How long have you been dating?

I think you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position - I'm not sure how long you've been dating but by currently staying in touch and agreeing to that, you will make it harder on yourself to move on and get over him in the long run and be able to find someone who truly does want to be in a relationship.

I am in a similar boat but my ex wanted to continue to stay in a relationship without putting effort into it and pushed away any intimacy. I told him to not contact me any more (after he specifically asked) and went cold turkey. It's been 5 weeks since we talked. It is extremely hard but I think that's the only way to truly get through it, so I've been told. I have good days and bad and I heard last week that he is having a very hard time without being able to contact me. BUT, I haven't heard that he wants to truly work on this or change or give what I need and I have too much self esteem to go back to that situation. Unless I hear and SEE that he really wants to put effort into changing and working on it, I am staying away. I hope you can find the strength to do it as well if you think staying in contact with him would only keep you hanging on and hoping for more.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 5:34pm
I was struck by how often you used the phrase "throw it all away" in your post. Because you've used the investment language, I guess you know that you have invested a fair amount of time, effort, and emotion in this relationship, and you expected a "pay out" in exchange for that investment. But, no matter whether the two of you are friends or nothing at all to each other these days, you're not going to get the return on your investment that you expected. You gave more time, effort, and emotion to him than you would to a friend, because you expected lifelong love and companionship, and no matter what, that's not on offer now. So, no matter what, you're going to be "losing" or "wasting" something here, some of your investment just isn't going to pay out. (Set aside for the moment the fantasy that you're both going to be celibate for the next few years while you wait to get your lives in order and then resume from here, and read that book He's Just Not That Into You for how common an excuse "I just have to get my life in order" really is).

If we're buying into your investment theory, at least consider that you have not "wasted" your time. Here's what you have gotten from the relationship, at a minimum - companionship, support, and comfort during a period of your life when you might otherwise have been alone or lonely. You've gotten fond memories and, as another poster likes to say, a "dynamic" or model for how a good relationship would work for you. You've gotten exposure to a different perspective and different opinions and experiences than you'd have gotten on your own. You've gotten a sense of what you'd like to have again, and what you want to watch out for in the future. You've learned a bit about what not to do. You've learned something about yourself. You're much smarter about making relationships work (communication, compromise, etc.) than you would have been if you'd spent this time alone. Even if that's it, you've gotten *something* of value in exchange for your investment, and it is not a waste.

Now, let me just say that dating shouldn't be about investment. It's not as simple as you plug in "x" amount of resources and in exchange you've earned love and support and undying devotion. That's not how people work, and if you believe that, you'll probably find yourself at some point in your life plugging a lot of "investment" into a person who is not giving even a fraction of the "return" to you, and instead of walking away, you'll invest more, frustrated at why putting all your coins into the vending machine isn't getting you the candy bar you want. If you think that you'll just hang in there a few years while he gets his life in order, in the expectation that THEN your investment will pay off, you're making that same mistake - sometimes you just need to know when to cut your losses and stop pouring resources into a losing venture. This dating process is about selection, and it's at least equally about YOU doing the selection, looking out for what you want, trying on some different relationships that might turn out not to be a good fit for you. You should be looking at your criteria for a mate, not at your investment. Figure out what qualities you want, what standards of treatment you must have, and that's how you decide if there's any point to sticking around. Also recognize that someone who's in love with you and thinks you're "it" IS one of the criteria you need for a man, and this guy falls short there, no matter what else he has going for him. He's decided to prioritize his "life," work, friends, money status, education, whatever, over a relationship, so he just cannot be Mr. Right for you. Thinking in criteria-based terms, rather than investment-based terms, helps you make smarter decisions about moving on.

Now, he wants to be friends. You have to understand that he says this in part because he feels guilty that he can't give you what you want. He thinks you've invested a lot, too, and he's sorry to have to disappoint you by not giving you the payout you've hoped for. That's all well and good for him, to offer a consolation prize of friendship, but is it best for you? Because you've established that you still love him, so it is going to hurt you to be around him, hoping for "that day" when he finally gets his life together and wants to be in a relationship, and truly wasting your life in a limbo waiting for it to start with him. You really should look into the Just Not That Into You book, because there's a universal truth in there - the guy who had "too much going on" with his life who finally settles down with a girl doesn't really settle down because his life suddenly all dropped into order (on one's life is in pristine order or all that stable, ever), it's because he finally wants to be in a relationship and meets the girl he wants to prioritize and compromise for. It sucks, but that really is the truth. I've posted on here before about this, but the "my life is crazy right now" line is an excuse, even if he believes it - I met and started a 2 year relationship with my ex while I was going through a divorce, studying for and taking the bar exam, starting my career, and coping with the death of my grandmother. His presence in my chaotic life was a relief, a solace, and a joy, not another burden and obligation, and feeling like you need it all to be just right to form a romantic attachment is just another way of saying you haven't found the right person yet.

I think it's a bad idea to try to be friends with him while you are still harboring the belief that, "some day," the two of you will end up together and give it another go. I absolutely guarantee you that, during that "getting his life together" time, he will not become a monk just because his life is hectic. So, you'll either find yourself "investing" no-obligation sex, becoming a friend with benefits, or you'll find yourself hanging around while he sleeps with other girls, and he will probably form other romantic attachments (even if short-term) with girls, because he did it with you and he's probably got a pattern of having fun until he's finally confronted by the duration of her "investment" and realizes he's not willing to give a long-term commitment. How badly would it hurt you to observe all of this? Because friends are aware of each others' respective love lives. I'd advise you not to be in contact with him until you are comfortable with the idea that it is over and you and he will never have a romantic relationship again, and if/when you have absolutely no hope or desire to get together again, then see if it makes any sense for him to be a friend (hint: it will be many months or possibly years before you get to that place).

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Mon, 10-11-2004 - 11:22pm
Girl! I feel you guess what my boyfriend (well ex) is kind of a messed up situation because we live together and he wants us to be friends same exact thing with your ex he has too much going on he is not ready for a relationship when we first started he thought he was blah blah blah!!! you story hits so close to home and mine is a lot more difficult because i have to see him everyday still and we r supposed to be friends how do i do that???? living in the same house is practically impossible but i will tell you what im going to concentrate on me and move on so it should be much easier for you to do it because you really dont have to see him if you choose not i really advice you to find other things to do and dont focus on him on being his friend just go with the flow and even play a little hard to get dont always be available...you kno is funny because i really do not stay friends with my exes is a rule i have simply because i dont wish to share love stories or rather hear them from my exes and men when they figure they have you as a friend they get too comfortable and blab out everything about other females i believe if u want to discuss your new love life and all that stuff call your buddy but dont tell me so i rather stay away from my exes when we break up, is just me but if you agree with the friendship please do not get hurt and since you still love him you are vulnerable to what he asks from you and you wont be able to move on because you still have hope and is like was said in the post b4 this one is sad but true that men commit when they find the one they want to commit with has nuhtin to do with whats going on in their life..my ex told me his not ready for a relationship after all this time...he never was actually but he figured it would be nice to be involved in sumthin to keep him occupied OH YES HONEY IM REALISTIC...he never really wanted commitment it was just conveneient at the time....so keep your head up and dont fall for it i say move on if you 2 are really meant to be you will find each other thats how i see it there was always a saying im sure you heard it "If you love someone/something set it free, If it comes back to you it was yours, If it doesn't it never was"
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 10:48pm
My only advice on this is to do what my ex and I did......we took time apart. We knew we'd try a friendship later but we didn't talk until we had given each other time and we were both over the other. Then we started our friendship back up and now I couldn't imagine my life without him. I would try to forget about getting back together though...just so you don't get your hopes up....if you get back together that's great but don't expect it because you'll never truly get over him if you hold on to that hope. Good luck and keep us posted.
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