Some help please?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2004
Some help please?
1
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:15am
Hello everyone. This is my first post here. Im trying to get a little female perspective on my current situation. I am a 21 year old guy who was recently dumped. She is 19 and her reason for breaking up with me was she felt that the relationship was starting to feel more like a friendship than boyfriend and girlfriend. Now, we didn't date that long. It was only offical for a month but we had been geting serious for a few months. My big problem with this is that the breakup and esspecially the reason were tottally out of left field. From the bigening I knew she had a issues she was dealing with. Mind you all of them valid. So I knew she was carrying emotional baggage but I was and still am fine with that. She knew that I wanted her to be my girlfriend (I possed the question) and I didn't preasure her into, I waited for her to make it offical and she did.

Altough the relationship was short I fell for her fast and hard. Her personality, values, and way of clicked with mine. We have awsome chemistry both mentally and phyisicaly. Both of us want to wait until we get married to have sex but that chemistry is still there. Now a about two weeks before we broke up she went camping with her sister and family and her sister asked if she loved me. She said she wasn't quite sure yet but her feelings felt like they were more than boyfriend/girlfriend. I fell in love with her, I can tell you the exact moment, but her reason for the breakup baffles me. When we broke up she said I was an awesome person and still wanted to be friends but would leave it up to me. I said yes because if you knew her there is no way you can't. I also said that don't think that is the end of us and there could be something in the future. She said she didn't.

Its been a few weeks and we are still friends. I am going to house sit for her in December and I helped her watch her niece and nephew (the missed me). Since the breakup or banter and the way we act around each other feels the same minus the bf/gf side of. I think the reason for the breakup is she is afraid of commitment (which she will admit to) and has so much on her mind that she pushed the relationship away. I think its still there and want to wait it out to see if it really is still there. I don't know if this emotional suised or what? I really do love her. Its never been a physical thing always emotional. Im just lookin for some perspectives. Any ideas would be great. Sorry for ranting so much and any misspellings. I think I got everything in. Thanks in advance for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 4:23pm
Hi


I think you are treading on dangerous ground here. She told you were a great person and she still wanted to be friends with you. Sorry, but it sounds to me like she was trying to let you go and not hurt your feelings. After all, she said it would be up to you, if you are capable of being just a friend or not.

You agreed because you still want her in your life, and you are hoping she will get back with you. You don't think the relationship is over for good and tell her this, but she says she does not agree with you, as she sees no future for the two of you for her own reasons. Listen to what she has just told you, what you wrote, not what you want to hear.


Now, this friends business, be honest with yourself, cannot be satisfactory to you. You sit there hoping for more one day, and she benefits from your presence and your caring, without giving anything of herself. In the meantime, you worry about being rejected, replaced by someone new, and are putting your heart on the line secretly.

She does none of those things and still has the benefit of having her ex bf, a person she hurt, as a friend. WOW! What a bonus! She should feel great because she was forgiven for hurting your feelings, and everything was forgotten and all have moved on at least according to her. You obviously are OK with getting crumbs, while she is having her cake and eating it too. Do not settle for less than you deserve!


Let me tell you now…. I don't know you, but I know that you deserve better than this! You deserve to be loved too and have someone who will realize that what you are doing for them is out of caring and appreciate what you are doing.

Sorry, just because her niece and nephew miss you, does not mean she does. It does not matter what her reasons for the break up were. If she is afraid of commitment, has so much on her mind that she pushed the relationship away, or anything else, its her own doing and choice. You cannot convince her that she made the wrong choice, because she probably feels she made the right decision… for herself.

Here’s the part where, you should realize that she was not thinking of you, but of herself when she decided to end things. Now it is time, you started to think about yourself. Sure she probably felt bad abut hurting you, I mean we are all human, but that is not what people who care about you do. People who love you, want to be with you, and don’t leave you.

If she changes her mind, I am sure she will be able to contact you and let you know and then you can decide if you want to get back with her. In all honesty let me tell you, a person does not just break up with someone over night, they actually give it a lot of thought before they do it, so they do it for a reason.

For you there is something still there, but it is obvious that she chose to break up for a reason, something was not working for her in this relationship. Unfortunately, to her, at least for now, it is over.


Do not let yourself get hurt, because the way things are now, you are on the way of letting her hurt you again. You hope she will realize what she has lost, but by you hanging around, she will only take you for granted and will never appreciate you and how much you care for her. Often exes come back when they realize that you have already moved on and do not need them in your life, not when you are always present to help them out and are only boosting their ego and they realize you still have feelings for them.

You are setting yourself up for heartbreak. How will you feel if one day she will bring her new bf along? Will you be able to sit there and talk to her about her new relationship as a good friend that you are?

You love her, so let her go. It is not enough that you want a relationship with her, she has to want the same thing from you, for this to work out. If she loves you, she will return to you, on her own, without you doing anything to force her or convince her and if she won't, then it was not meant to be. You deserve someone who will want to be with you, so don’t settle for crumbs from someone who you love, but does not appreciate how much you care.


Good Luck, no contact with her is probably best for you to mend your heart and enjoy life again, and maybe in tiem you can e friends with her, or maybe she will return to you, time will tell what happens next.