Very Confused. Need a why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Very Confused. Need a why.
4
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 5:49pm
Hi, thanks for reading this.

A week from last friday, my boyfriend of seven months dumped me, seemingly out of the blue. First he called up and tried to make me angry with a couple of ridicuous insults before asking if we could stop a physical relationship and just be friends. I didn't know what to make of it, and was back and forth between denial and misery for Saturday and Sunday (lots of wine, throwing things and watching horrible break-ups on SATC). Then that Sunday, a friend of mine convinced me to go see him and hear it face to face. He looked awful, seemed to be crying and just confused me more and more. His various reasons summed up to thinking that he couldn't give me what he thinks I want (his examples: taking me out to dinner and flowers. Two things which I have never brought up and really could care less about.) He claims he doesn't know me at all, but then will make statements about what I need. He says the difference between us is that he knows exactly what he wants and I haven't a clue. He never expected to meet someone like me and wasn't expecting to be in a relationship right now. He says he loves me and cares about me and still finds me physically attractive. He said that he doesn't really know why he's ending it, except that he has a feeling in his gut that is telling him to break it off now so that I don't get more hurt in the future.

This is the part that pisses me off. He keeps on trying to say that he's ending it because it's better for me that way. But I still love him and I'm most angry because it seemed like we were just getting to the good part of the relationship. I was at the point where I was just realizing I loved him. Mid starry eyed and just hitting me how great he was. We'd never even gotten the chance to fight. I just met his family. It seemed like things were just starting.

I do have a couple of theories. Things were getting a bit complicated lately. I picked up an STD and he felt guilty, got tested and came back negative. Now, he was my first partner. So, I still don't know where I got it, but this was obviously stressful. I also just went on the pill about a month ago. The first two weeks I had major mood swings and was crying spontaneously which he saw a bit of. But I made it clear, over an over again, that it had nothing to do with him. He actually broke up with me the day after one of these crying fits (1 outta 2 that he witnessed). This month is a stressful time for us both, which is an important complication on the break up: we're both grad students in the same program, same year, same building. Not the same "office", but we have the same close group of friends. I can't not see him after this without dropping out or something, which won't happen. And if I want to see any of my friends, I'm going to see him again. So "no contact" is out.

So nine days later, I think I'm finally starting to accept this. But I still can't believe he did this, especially since I don't understand why. Did he just get scared? He told me how he knows I don't expect anything from him. I was putting no pressure on him for committment, for his time, for anything. I know that relationships take time and I just can't believe he'd throw away something like this. Has anybody had someone just dump them when things were going well and not give a good reason? A feeling in the gut?

I'm going to try and give it time and not see him except when I'm forced into the situation. I knew going into this that it was be complicated, but I had no idea it would be so soon. I just wish he'd say it was someone else, or I was horrid in bed, or something!

If you read all that, thank you! I know I'll get through and they're be someone else and it'll make me stronger. I just wanna know why it happened, which I know only the two of us really can know, but any insight would help.
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anonymous user
Sun, 10-17-2004 - 9:09pm
Hi,

Ahhhhh. The old question "WHY?????". Gotta love that one. Everytime I ask my ex, the story changes....I think that he's finally settled on "we weren't good together". Trust me, it's changed quite a bit. Hun, I don't think you'll ever truly know what went on in his head. Maybe he doesn't even know. I know that I want to know. My question of "why" has changed to "how". how could he hurt me like this. How could this have happened. (sigh). All those stages ya gotta go through I guess. Sorry to hear you travel in the same circles. That's tough. I'm glad that you're not gonna give up things cause of him, but maybe for *right now* you should try to limit the contact. might help. Of course, I don't see my ex at all (he moved away) and I'm not sure that that has helped me accept the reality of the situation. I send you lots of hugs. I hope that things continue to get better for you.

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 4:16am
sorry you are going thru this....similar to my story but my relationship only lasted 3 months....read my post under shocked and confused...for the whole story..

anyway my take on this is that he has issues with committment....and i know you were not pushing but guys know that girls expect a certain kind of committment and at your age..knowing you are in grad school....he probably saw a potential wife in you and that scared him to death...

these guys dont know why they have to get out of the relationship but they just do...and usually out of the blue and pretty fast....

good luck with the healing and just be glad you found out about his true nature now....before you wasted too much time with him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:10am
its been 2 weeks now since all of this happen with my ex. Read my story...What Do I DO NOW!

Guys know exactly what they want. Do not believe the I am confused line, it is simply not true! The same goes for I am not ready for a relationship or a committment.....translation......I don't want a relationship with YOU! I don't want a commitment with YOU!

Men want relationships, they want the same things we do, they just go about it all wrong or in their minds, to how they can handle it which is usually by telling lies. They don't want to hurt us! so they lie! How pathetic!

I think the key to all of this is truly that when one meets someone to not have sex until YOU KNOW THEM. I believe that for us women, once we had sex with him, we get attached and that is when trouble begins. I know it should not be this way however this is what happens. We stop to think, we see everything through clouds and our judgment is way off about this guy we with.

We need to get to know him a lot better before we commit to sex. I think this way we keep safe with our emotions.

It's been 2 weeks since I last seen my ex, one week since I spoke to him. I am doing great! I am taking care of me and life is great. Sure I think of him however, I would not want to be with him ever again. I have cut of all communications with him!

A good man is simply not going to give you all this drama. Men that do that have serious issues and we as women that want to hang on to those kinda men have more serious issues to fix. After all why would we miss, love or hang on to a guy that is clearly a jerk?

For me this is never an option. I know what I want and I want a healthy minded man because I am a healthy minded woman. HIS LOSS!

So take care of you now. Watch some sex in the city, have some ice cream and live your life as best as you can and be happy. NEXT!

Look for the same qualities in a man that you have inside of you. It is degrading to women to run after men. No man will ever respect you for it and it really makes it worse for healthy minded women.

If self esteem is a problem, fix it! If self love is a problem, fix it! If self respect is a problem, fix it! There is help out there and wonderful literature on this.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:26am
Thank you Karen, loveslife and prettyangel for the comments. It helps a lot to just be able to talk about it, even though I know I've been beating it to death. (I realized this morning that I'm telling everyone about this when I found myself explaining to my gyno about his baggage...) I've pretty much decided that he was the right guy, at the wrong time. And there's nothing I can do about that. Maybe someday, far down the road when I'm way, way over him, we'll run into each other and he'll be ready for a relationship and so will I, and all will be peachy keen. Of course, maybe by then I'll be in a much better relationship with someone who cares as much about keeping the relationship going as I do. Whatever, now is the time to concentrate on other things.

Yesterday I fixed a lamp in my apartment that had been broken for 3 months. This really made me happy and optimistic, and I don't really care why. HBO repeated the episode last night where Berger breaks up with Carrie with a post-it note. At least I got a phone call and a long drawn out thing in the rain (so cinematic!). I haven't cried for three days either. Progress is good. Anyway, right now I'm trying to build myself up because I know that I'll see him (although I refuse to say a word to him) later this afternoon at a seminar. Maybe if I imagine he has a snake's head, with a big, slithery forked tongue...