Don't know what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Don't know what to do
6
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:29am
I've posted here before regarding my relationship with my boyfriend. But this weekend it finally came to an end.

Let me just recap: We dated for about 9 months. The first 4 months were great. He was the one chasing me, he wanted the relationship to progress faster than it should have. We went on vacation after 3 months, and when we came back he told me he needed a break. 3 days later he called and took it back. After this it all went downhill. He became depressed, and tried to overdose on antidepressants twice. I was there for him all the time. Sitting by his side at the hospital, him telling me he loves me. I took time off work to be with him when he wasn't working.

Towards the end of the summer, he started to feel better again, and started going back to work, and hanging out with his old friends whom he hadn't spoken to in a very long time. When we started dating, he didn't really have any friends because he never kept in contact with them. Plus, they were all friends of his brothers' growing up. We started seeing each other less and less. He'd go back into a slump every once in a while and come crying back to me. We fought a lot and the day before my birthday we broke up. The next day he took me out and we had a great time, and he told me he didn't even know if he wanted to break up. He said he's different every day, and he needs to straighten out his life. After that it was all the same.

I can't even tell you how much I've done for him, and he totally takes it for granted. I've given him my cell phone to use because he doesn't have one and can't really afford to buy one right now. This past weekend was his sisters' birthday, whom I'm good friends with. On friday night he called me up and told me there was a message from a guy. I checked it and it was a friend of mine. I told my boyfriend I didn't know who it was, and that if I was trying hide something from him why would I give him my cell to use?

The next day he called me and told me my phone was at his house if I wanted to pick it up. I called him back and asked him if it was over and he said ya, and hung up. I left my house and when I came back I saw that he called 6 times. So I called him back. He told me not to pick it up, that he would bring it to me the next day, and that we'd hang out and do something and talk. That night I saw him at his sister's party and he completely ignored me. I saw him at the bar talking to a couple of girls, which made me feel like he didn't even care about me or my feelings. So I left. The next day I called him to see if I can get my phone, and he told me he'd bring it to me the next day, and told me he'd call me later. I told him not to, and he freaked out. He said 'don't worry about it I won't, and lose my number and don't ever call me again'.

It really hurts because I'd given so much to him, and he was a completely different person when I met him. Plus, I was the one with the guard up in the beginning. I couldn't believe that this guy liked me so much. He did so much for me and always wanted to be with me. How can someone treat someone that loves them so much like they mean nothing to them?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:45am
First, the initial 3-9 months of any relationship is based in infatuation. That is "Your desire for me makes me feel so great about me - I can't get enough of your attention.'

So the first 3-9 months - they're not so much dating you out of respect, admiration, trust, acceptance, and appreciation of youo as an individual - as they are dating the entity that via attention and approval makes them feel great about themselves.

How self-aware and self-responsible a person is - as evidenced by their lifestyle, successes....determines to waht if any extent that they can appreciate you as an individual vs. "the benefits, ease, comforts, and convenience that your presence offers ot them".

You're dating a guy who lacks self-esteem, self-respect, self-acceptance and self-responsibility -what he was into wasn't "you" - it was the feelings that your desire for him inspired in him - about himself.

When he figured out that you weren't going to solve his life problems, make his insecurities vanish - his issues re-emerged with a vengeance and he acted out....like he's always done.

People pushing for alot of interaction, intertwining, innvolvement and commitment in the beginning are looking for a source of salvation, identity, security, or completion - and he thought he found that in you - that's impossible to find in someone else - and now you're dealing with his rejection of you "not fixing his life like he thought you would."

You don't want a project for a boyfriend.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:23pm
Cleo

Because there is something wrong with him - not with you.

You deserve better.

beeya

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:05pm
(((Hugs))) I'm sorry to hear about your break-up! It sounds to me like your bf has some emotional issues and I don't think it was just your friend calling you that bothered him (although I can't quite understand why you couldn't be honest about him)....it sounds like he may have even been looking for a reason to end things. He just doesn't seem like he was stable or happy from your post. I know this all hurts but I think it may very well be for the best. I know it doesn't seem like it now....but down the line I think you'll be much happier without him. I would suggest no contact until you're completely over him and keep yourself busy with friends, take up a hobby, or join a gym or anything else that can keep you busy through this difficult time. Also remember we're all here if you need us. Good luck and keep us posted!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 8:54am
I know he has a lot of issues that he needs to deal with and one of them is substance abuse. Before we started dating he told me he had a problem with drugs in his past, but he promised me that he doesn't do them anymore. A couple of times there were some incidents that made me think otherwise. But, a friend of mine told me that he was high on saturday night at the party. I don't really believe that he has a depression problem, I think that he uses that as an excuse to cover up his mood swings due to his other problem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:01pm
oh cleo

this all sounds too familar to me.

when i first started dating my ex i saw no drug use or excessive alcohol use...then as things progressed and he got more comfortable with me one night he pulled out the pot...i declined while he smoked....the next day i had a talk with him about my feelings about pot and how i feel it had ruined one relationship i had and how my old friends from high school who use it have gone nowhere with their lives

he told me he used to have a big problem..red flag....but about 7 years ago he got in big trouble with it and quit.....

well everytime we were around someone who had pot he would smoke and i hated the way it made him....all detached and distant......then the week before he broke up with me he went out drinking with the guys while i was out of town and drunk dialed me at 5am...this was a work night for him....

when i talked to to him the next day he had no memory of the call, no memory of how he got home and no memory of falling asleep in his clothes in a chair...

i was not commenting on any of this except for the drinking blackout..and i just said gee that is pretty scary to not remember...but no nagging...i learned from the past that this does no good....

i was worrying about the future of our relationship at this point but wanted to make sure i was not making mountains out of molehills.....

so i am lucky he broke it off with me because i know it would only have gone downhill from there....

if someone had trouble with drugs in the past the only way you can be relatively sure that they will stay sober is if they have gone thru rehab...and are continuing a 12 step program...and we all know there are no guarantees with that..

he probably thought the relationship would be enough for him to stay off drugs...

anyway...not your fault...just take care of yourself

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 6:04pm
i also agree with you about using pot or drinking to self-medicate for the mood swings...

lots of people do this..