Please I need help SOON

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Please I need help SOON
8
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:01pm
I've been with my boyfriend for 5 mths now and we've lived together for 4 of them. I met him through a mutual friend and we hit it off instantly. The night I met him I didn't get to see him until a 1 and a 1/2 later b/c I was out of town for knee surgery but he called me everyday and even got disappointed if I didn't call. When I got back in town he came over immediately. We spent a couple of days together before he finally went back home. :) I got a call from him when he got home and said he just had his first fight ever with his father. His father hit him and he didn't want to stay there. He didn't want me to pick him up but I told him I was going to anyways. He stayed at my apartment and I told him he could just live with me. He refused at first cause he said he would just move back up north florida where he could have a place to stay. I told him I didn't want him to go cause I felt such strong feelings for him and I didn't want us to end. He admitted he didn't want to leave me either and he decided to stay. Everything was great, I was so happy and he told me he was so happy with me and he never had any worries when he was with me. We didn't have sex for a while just cause we didn't want to ruin anything. Once we started though we never stopped. Getting to my problem we just recently in September moved in with his best friend and his girlfriend and at first everything was fine but it just started to go downhill. He just stopped being the person I knew. He didn't clean anymore after himself, he didn't cook like he used to always, he just changed. We used to take my puppy to the park every Sunday which was his idea and now when I ask him to go he says he doesnt want to spend his time at a park. When ever we go out at night together he's very attentive to me but it's like when we're at home he shoves me away. He works pretty much every night long hours so I don't know if that's it but I miss the good times we had. I was talking to him the other day about what his best friend was saying about getting a house in June and he said we could live there so I told that to him. He said you and me as we in a playful voice but it was still hurtful. I started arguing with him saying I was just going to live with my mother up north and he finally said I don't care if you go or not this time or not(cause I was going to leave before but he told me I didn't have to go and he wanted me to stay), I dont' care if we stay together or not. So I was hurt and I left. I came back cause I wasnt able to stay at my mothers so when I came back he called me from his sisters house who he was staying the weekend with and said he didn't want to deal with it anymore. He said he didn't want to deal with a relationship anymore and I said with me and he said period. I haven't seen him since cause he's working. I would leave if I could but I have no place to go...I love him so much and I don't know what to do cause I don't want to lose him. I talked to his best friend and he said this is just him...this is what he does not living with someone cause I'm the first but with his last girlfriend his friend said they were off and on off and on. So what am I supposed to do if I can't leave and still have to stay in the same apartment with him. How do I get him back???? Please help
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:25pm
Welcome to the board!! I'm sorry you're having problems with your bf...or x?? There is no way to make him come back...he's made up his mind and you have to learn to respect that. If he changes his mind it will have to be on his terms. But if what his friend says is true that he's always been on again, off again with girls....that may signal that he is a comitment phobe and that he actually sabatoges his relationships. Or he may just be realizing that the two of you rushed into things to fast and is wanting out. I would suggest trying to find away to move out (just in case he doesn't change his mind) and talk to him about your plans and see how he reacts to them. If he doesn't want you to go...he'll let you know but if he wants you to go....then it would probably be best for both of you to find other living arrangements. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you decide and we're here if you need us.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 9:51pm
I would move out but I have no place to go...no family to go to...no friends to live with and I can't afford to move out on my own. I want to try to work it out but I dont know how to approach him. What confuses me is that he tells his best friend (roommate) that he cares about me. And why would he tell me that he doesnt want to deal with a relationship anymore but just a week before he didnt want me to leave and wanted me to stay when I was going to leave the first time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:35am

Hi

Your bf is a typical man, sorry to generalize but it's true. This is a big problem and you are stuck, because you have nowhere else to go. He tells his best friend he cares about you, but he tells you he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. Ok, I care about my plants, because I really like nature, or whatever, but I do not love them, and if they wilt, I am not going to cry over them. This is how your bf feels about the situation, in my opinion.

He may care about you, but may not want to be with you. I bet that if you told him that you want to work things out, he will retreat even more, and will say he does not feel like it. He is playing mind games with you. He doesn't want a relationship, with you and he is happy to end it on his terms, so he is in control of the situation. When you say you will leave, he is scared of being alone, and dumped. No one wants to be a dumped loser in the end.

He is comfortable as long as he is in control and he uses you for comfort, whenever he feels like it. If I were you, I would try to get a job or another one if you already have one, so that you would be able to move out. In the meantime, I would ignore the man completely as much as I can, talk to him only on "a need to basis." Otherwise, live your own life and do your own thing, obviously still contributing your share to bills, etc.

No amount of talking, pleading or telling him how you want things to work out with you guys, will convince him. He has to come to you for this, if he wants to be with you. Let him be, do your own stuff, live under the same roof but be his roommate only, it will be hard, but eventually you will be able to move out and move on.

The only way to get him back is if he decided to come back, so there is nothing you can do to change his mind. You have to be strong for yourself and plan your life without the guy. Once you start doing your own thing, he may be curious about what you are doing and may change his mind or not. He will never come back if you try to get him back.

Take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 3:51pm
Well I found a place to go temporarily and I got the rest of my things today. My ex helped me get all my things in the car today and he was telling me how he got insurance for his new car (which we were worried he wasn't going to get for a while) and how much he had to pay. Then he walked me out to my car and had me listen to a CD of his new beats he made (he's a music producer) and asked if I liked them and everything. He then asked if I was ok and I said yea and he asked if I was sick and I said no so he then sayed ok well what's wrong with you. I then told him I was just confused on how he felt. He then told me we were still going to talk, we were still going to hang out and do stuff together. I then said yea but you just want to be friends. I said I want to know if there's going to be a you and me again. He told me not right now, not at this time...he said that he thought he was ready to get back into a relationship but he's not. He was with his ex for 4 yrs. and broke up with her in October of 2003 and we started dating in June of 2004 so not even a year later. He said he has so much on his plate to add a relationship on top of that wouldn't be fair for us. But he said we would still talk. Do you think there is hope for me???
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 12:26am
There is hope for you, yes. Because you're smart, affectionate, lovable and loving, because you have a good head on your shoulders. BUT, this hope comes about WITHOUT this guy in your life. My advice to you is to not see him again. He says you'll see each other? You should say that you don't ever want to see him again. I know it hurts, but you know what? It will hurt much less than seeing him and pretending to be his friend when you still love him and want more but he's content to just see you once in a while and maybe allow you to believe that there's still hope so he doesn't have to feel like a jerk.

Stand up for yourself, girl. Do not remain friends with someone who has rejected you. He hasn't acted like a friend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:53pm
Hey guys remember me....well I have an update. Well we were speaking off and on but wasn't really having conversations because it was just about getting my stuff moved and etc. So I hadn't talk to him since last Friday until I spoke with him last night. He called me asking how come I haven't called and I said well the phone works two ways and I have no way of getting a hold of you since he doesn't have his phone right now so he uses his roomates but i'm not going to bug them to let me talk to him anyways. But anyways he said well you have all your stuff over here so you're supposed to get a hold of me to figure out when you're coming blah blah blah. I told him I was coming this weekend and it will be out of his hair. He said oh....uh...ok well I was just calling to check up on you see how you were doing and everything. I said I'm fine I love my new job met up with some old friends and what not and he said that's cool. He then said well I'll let you go so you can go back to sleep and I said ok bye and hung up....haha...Not really to be mean but I just really didn't care for the phone call. So of course 5 minutes later he calls back saying hey why'd you hang up on me (in a playful tone) I said I didn't hang up on you...you said bye, I said bye and I hung up. I said you only call when you need me to answer a quick question for you that doesnt have to do anything about us or you call only if I've called you and it's a good enough time for you to call back. He said well you never call me either, we then went over the whole he doesn't have a phone thing again. HAHA..He told me he wants us to go back to how we used to be...he wants us to go out together again and just take it slow this time. He said we'll then see how we progress. I told him I want that too but I didn't know. He told me to come over..just to talk...I told him no cause it was late. He asked if I would come over before work so we could talk and he would watch the dog for me until I got back. I said ok....well I went over to his house..it was ackward at first but we went in his room and started talking in the bed. And for some godly reason I started crying...He asked why I was crying and I didn't say anything so he started whiping and kissing my tears away and told me not to cry and said he was so sorry for the pain and heartache he caused me. He said again that he just wanted it to go back to how we were and that we'll just start off slow and progress from there. He said the reason he said the things he did was cause he didn't know what he wanted and he didnt want to keep torturing me by him not knowing so the easiest way for him to not hurt me anymore was to say he wasn't ready. He told me he wanted us to be together, he wanted us to work, he missed us and me especially. He said we just moved too quick with moving in with one another and that's what changed us. He told me cares so much for me and has love for me and I should see that now. To make a long story shorter than it could be we're going to see each other again, see where the road takes us, and hopefully happily ever after. He asked me to do something with him on Friday and attend with him to his Halloween party.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:24pm
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's tough when you live with someone. I would definitly try and actively find a roommate or a room to rent somewhere else. The thing is if he isn't into the relationship anymore there is nothing you can do to "make him wan to be in it". My ex was the same way. It took me a long time to realize that I coudn't make him change his mind. Keep in mind it might not be about you. It may just be about where his is in his life. It is going to be hard for a while, but you deserve to be with someone who cares about if you are there or not. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 7:31pm
be very careful with your heart....if he did this once to you he will do it again..i think he called and had you come over because he was lonely...i would have no contact with him until he works on his issues....could he be a committment phobe....kinds sounds like it to me...just dont let him hurt you again...

hugs