help in understanding this

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
help in understanding this
6
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 11:27pm
ok i have posted here b4 my situation is i recently broke up with my boyfriend but im in an uncomfortable situation due tot he fact that we live together and right now i have no where to go and no money to move so we decided to be 2 happy people with no title...lol...well last night he said to me 'can i ask u a question???'...and i said sure he asked me if i was happy with this situation and i asked him are you?...well of course he said answer the question are you happy with this situation i asked him of course being sarcastic what situation???.he told me us getting along...i said of course im happy we are getting along but this no title stuff i dont like he told me well it doesnt feel like we are not together because mentally we are not together but emotionally and physically we are...he also said that all this tiltle stuff like girlfriend boyfriend all that stuff was made by men until 2 people are married thats when a tile comes in he told me we are building a great friendship and someday we might get back togther and even get married and then you will have a title and he said my name with his last name but he also said if you fall in love i wont be mad because i want you to be happy...is that a bomb or what??????.....now someone make me understand isnt mentally and emotionally the same thing????....and here i am wondering what the hell is going on....does he actually believe that we are 2 people being happy with no title while i cook and do laundry for him and give him a$$....but get this im also confused on this he calls me from work everynight and when he works weekends he tells me what he is about to do if hes going to a friends house or something he calls me when hes going to work late he tells me where he is going when he goes out i dont get it is he confused does he not know what he wants???
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:19am
he might not know what he wants but i hope you know what you want...and it is not this relationship.

he is getting all the perks of a wife with none of the responsibility...this is not a man..he is acting like a little boy playing house and playing with your heart.

do all you can to move out or move him out and get someone who will respect you. you sound like a very giving person but dont think for a second that doing his laundry and giving him money will make him love you..it wont

grow a backbone and stand up for what you deserve.....you will be much happier...

any man who does not know what he wants...does not deserve what he has!

good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 10:37pm
Hey Thanx 4 ur reply i reaLly appreciate it....and is true my mother just told grow a damn backbone what the hell are you afraid of and is true so true...it doesnt matter what he wants is what i need and is certainly not him...
Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:16am
Actually, I think you're pretty confused for putting up with his behavior. I don't remember your story very clearly, but isn't there some way for you to end this living together thing? Why do the two of you need to live together if he no longer wants to be in a romantic relationship with you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:36am
well no i really have nowhere to go i just moved to florida 6 months ago it took us 4 months to find this place i was staying with my sister but i cant go back there she added a new member to her family and there is no room and finding a place here is so difficult i moved from ny where everything is so easy and plus i dont have enough money to move i have to pay deposit and 1st and last months rent it took me 5 months to find a job and is nuthin compared to what i used to make is helping me get by i thank god for that but is difficult to save when you work to pay bills....thats the reason why i am still here going thru all this im going thru with him....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:41am
OM MY GOD. IAM IN THE SAME SITUATION ME AND MY BF BROKE UP AND STILL LIVE TOGTHER MOSTLY BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD TO GET MY OWN PLACE AND I DONT WANT TO QUIT MY AWESOME JOB AND GO BACK TO MY FAMILYS WITCH IS TWO HOURS AWAY. I DONT HAVE ALOT OF FRIENDS OVER HERE, WELL THE ONLY ONE I HAVE ALREADY LIVES WITH US WITH HER BF AS WELL. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS THAT WE DONT TALK AT ALL HE TOTALLY HATES ME AND WONT EVEN SPEAK WITH ME ABOUT ANYTHING(THE DETAILS OF THIS RELASHONSHIP ARE IN OLDER POSTS IF YOUR INTERESTED). BUT I'VE FINALLY THIS WEEK STOPPED COOKING AND CLEANING FOR HIM AND ALL THAT BUT ANYWAYS JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE IN THAT CRAPPY SITUATION.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:57am
No, he's not confused...you're just in denial.

Basically - YOU Have no options about living independently from him.

Cohabitation is impactive. I've been in one marriage where we "couldn't afford to split up right away" - so we decided "we're not married anymore".

And we lived together, we paid the bills becuase neither of us could afford deposits and movers.....and we had sex IF we felt like it (which was more often on his part now that there was no obligation)......but we also had the right to go out and do and be with whoever or whatever we wanted. We're weren't accountable to one another - we were just "impactive' to one another.

So I did what you're doing....I did the laundry because "it was there and it was my machine and I didn't want him using it"......and he changed the oil in the car even though I drove it because it was financed by HIS parents and until I could pay them back, they might want it back - and he didn't want to have to justify it being not in a running condition.

Basically, the guy is saying - if we could just live together and have the OPTION to do whatever or whoever we wanted - provided that we're both adult enough to realize that we all need clean clothes, and meals, and a decent living environment - I'm content to live with you, have sex...and no obligation.

You're going "why would I be happy with this" - well, if you want a relationship where there is emotional bond and thus trust and harmony - you wouldn't. If you were wanting a situation where you weren't as financially strapped while having a sex option, and a decent living environment at both of your abilities and expense - you'd be delighted, temporarily - till you could get out on your own and do it your own way.

What NEVER happens is a PERSON who's had a life of benefits, ease, convenience and comfort at the expense and effort of someone else......choosing that someone to consider equally with themselves, communicate with, meet theeir needs appropriately, and share a life partnership with.

What you're in isn't partnership - it's an "exchange" arrangement. You cook, clean, and have sex with him...he pays the bills. That leaves you both with the option to take what you "provide" in this equation into another liason. But he doesn't "want" partnership - or else he wouldn't have been with you to begin with.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com