3 Weeks "No Contact"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
3 Weeks "No Contact"
12
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 11:53am
Well today makes it 3 weeks since we have talked. I feel so horrible today. I cried for about 2 hours last night until I fell asleep. I'm taking this really bad. Its even starting to effect my job. (I just got a county job so I'm on a 6 month probation period. I'm worried that I might lose my job because I cant concentrate on anything else but him) I come to work and get on ivillage because I need some kind of comfort and you guys help alot.)

For those who have read my stories thank you for listening to me.

-Update-

I posted last week that I had some things of his that he left at my house. Well I put them together and took it over to his parents house on Sunday. I used to live at his parents house for a year so I'm really close with his family (mainly his mother). Well she answered the door and was so happy to see me. I dont know if my ex has told her about the break up but I'm sure he has. She gave me the biggest hug and I just wanted to start crying, I almost did but I held it in. His sister and I were getting close the very end of the relationship, she got married in July and I was one of her bridesmaids. (The relationship ended in August for those who dont know) So this weekend has been a roller coaster of emotions. I try to tell myself he isnt worth it but for some reason the longer it goes with no contact the more I want him.

So the bag had some clothes (which I sprayed my perfume on...ha ha) and a old baseball hat from his league when he was little. And I had two pictures of us together. One was his favorite which is a great picture of us a few years and the other is him kissing me at our high school graduation dinner (my favorite). I dont know if he has picked up his stuff at his moms cause he normally takes a few days to get over there when she has stuff for him. I'm just wondering what he thinks when he gets his stuff back. The big thing for me was that I took it to his mom's and not his place. I didnt use the "I have some things of yours" line just so I could see him. I'm hoping he sees that I'm respecting his wishs by leaving him alone, and maybe that will make him evaluate what he really wants. I know he loves me and just wants some freedom, he told me hes scared the relationship would be like it used to and he doesnt want that.

The other thing on my mind...

He was very big about us going a month with no talking. But we didnt end contact saying "okay lets give it a month and see what happens then" Instead I was hurt that he didnt want to be with me and scared he would find someone else. So we stopped talking with no intensions of talking in a month. What do I do. Today is 3 weeks and I just want him to know I still love him and want to make this work. But Im scared that if I tell him that it will push him away and make me feel rejected again. I keep telling myself, he knows how much I love him and that I want to be together so if he wants that he will come back, so I need to just move on with my life and if it happens then great.

I think he is talking to someone and that makes me sick. I think he wanted to see if I could actually go without talking to him and haven't I proven I can!!! Someone please help I need advice very badly. I'm getting to the point were I cant do anything without wanting to crawl into a ball and cry. This morning I thought I couldnt even drive to work because I'm so messed up in the head.

HELP!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:41pm
the best advice is to do what your heart tells you...you will make mistakes along the way but you will also learn from them...they may teach you to walk away and go on with your life and to not wait for him to change or to chase you...they may tell you to give yourself time to heal and give him time to see that you are not .. i repeat not going to fall apart without him...my ex and i have officially been broken up for 5 months and every day i think about picking up the phone and calling him but i know that since he has a new girlfriend he will not answer the phone call or e-mail me back...i just look desperate to him ...like i can't live without him but i am finding out that i can... and the 20 pounds that i have lost crying and not eating over him have made other guys notice me....i am not ready for another relationshiop yet but i know that in time i will find someone or better yet they will find me....there is always that one great love that we beleive got away but life is funnly like that because oftern there comes another until we finally settle on the one we will be with for life...give yourself time...soom the weeks will turn into months and you will find yourself at a different place in life....focus on your job as something of a distraction from what you are feeling. During the day is when i was able to think about him the least...i still struggle at night and think i will for awhile with the holidays coming but i know that i am getting stronger everyday. It took time for you to fall in love with your ex and it will take time to fall out of love if that is the case...be careful of your heart and give yourself some time
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 12:58pm
I dont really know what to do cause my heart and head are so messed up right now. I want to call him tonight and see how he is doing. I dont want to sound desperate. He was the one that wanted to be friends, he said he wanted me in his life as a friend. I dont really want that but maybe he needs to hear that I'm doing okay. But if he wanted to hear that he would have called me by now. I'm so confused. I dont want him to hook up with someone cause he thinks I'm done with him. But if I call I feel like I fell into a trap. Maybe all he needs is to hear Im doing okay and then he maybe reconsider whats going on here. I dont know...I just dont know anymore...
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:54pm
You wrote:

"I keep telling myself, he knows how much I love him and that I want to be together so if he wants that he will come back, so I need to just move on with my life and if it happens then great."

That is exactly right, and you need to keep telling yourself that when you want to call him. A man who decides that you are the woman he wants to be with will *move mountains* to be with you. Remember that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:17pm
my ex told me he "wanted to be friends" right before he stopped talking to me... this is something that they say to make them feel better ...not you ..and if they do want to be friends they mean to say " let's be friends someday".....don't lower yourself by calling you will look desperate and like you can't live without him... i have learned that my ex needs to see if he can live without me...if he thinks the grass is so much greener on the other side then let him graze but he will never be sure that i will be here waiting and neither should your boyfriend..YES they will go on with their lives no matter what you do.........if he decides he wants to see someone else nothing you do will change his mind...that is something that only they can decide for themselves.. it's better to know that they want you back because they miss you not because they feel sorry for you
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:31pm
I'm not sure why you are disagreeing with my post; I didn't suggest that she call him or try to be friends with him, quite the opposite.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 2:51pm
Hi there! I feel that if you this desperate and you can't function in your normal every day life because he left you, than it is time to seek professional help to help you find out why you behaving in this unhealthy way.

You are behaving extremely codependant.

If someone does not want to be with you, that is ok for them and should be ok for you. It is time to move on and be happy in life without him. Your life should not be defined around him or anyone else.

I know you may not want to accept this however it is the way it is. He will never come back to someone who behaves this sick( sick as in, you can't do your job or function without him). I am sorry for my harsh words however I feel you must have reality.

This is not about him but all about you...............after you get some help working on YOU maybe, maybe than you be ready for a healthy relationship.

Take care of yourself and think about what I said on here! God Bless You!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 3:44pm
I just like to add that I do understand how you feel and I am sensitive to your pain. We all had pain of someloss one way or another.

Just please take careof yourself and donot let a man ruin your life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2004
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 4:05pm
i don't disagree with you.. this is just something that i have learned from what happened to me... hopefully she will take some bits of advice from us all...she has to find what works for her but i know that NC and time will help....you told me that awhile ago
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 4:21pm
Ok...still confused because you put the "thumbs down" icon (indicating disagreement) on a post addressed to me...but maybe you put that icon by mistake?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Tue, 10-19-2004 - 4:53pm
I did a post earlier on the "Abandonment to Healing" and I have decided to go to my doctor and see what she thinks. And if I can afford I'd like to see about a therapist. Thank you for your words. Its hard to take and I did get a little hurt, but I'm glad your honest. Thank you

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