He called
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| Tue, 10-19-2004 - 1:26pm |
I haven't posted in a couple of weeks because I had no new developemts, but I have been reading your great advice to others all along.
My boyfriend of over a year (just as a refresher) broke up with me about 6 weeks ago out of the blue (scared to commit, he is young --younger than me by 6 yrs -24/30--, wants to experience life "on his own" and ...who knows what other reasons he might have that I simply don't understand). We had a really great relationship, the best I've ever had. I learned how to be a kind, truthful and loving partner to someone, with him. Something I didn't know I could do. We were very close.I was shocked and confused when one afternoon after a lovely weekend trip together he decided he "wanted to see other people".
In any case, we didn't speak for the first three weeks when he called and made me melt with a few nice words and I ended up in bed with him (I already posted about this, I know it was the wrong thing to do...so no yelling, please).
It's been almost three weeks again and he called me last night. I didn't answer immediately, but I checked the message and then called him back. I know I shouldn't have answered, but I do miss him very deeply and I was happy to hear from him. We spoke for 1.5 hrs. catching up and saying how much we miss this and that and each other... you know the drill...he then said "I don't know what I'm doing" "Is it bad that I called you?" "I'm crazy right now...cause at first I just wanted to talk to you, and now, I want to see you".
He asked if he could come over and I said no. That took everything I have in me. All I wanted was to wake up with him again. I said to him that he could only come over if it meant something, that he could only come over if he wants to be in a committed relationship with me. He said "That's fair enough". Obviously he didn't come over. Nor was I expecting him to.
I'm not sure what this post is about, I'm not sure how I feel, and I have no clue what is going through his head. I miss him and I love him and I can't believe he is not with me. And that's my truth. And I guess writing this post is helping me realize that it is not so good to speak to him and I should ask him not to call me anymore (he asked me if I would prefer it that way -meaning that he didn't call anymore- and I didn't give him an answer cause I was so scared of really never hearing from him again...which is so weak...I know. But again, it's my truth). I just need some thoughts, some support. Some strength to keep moving. At least I didn't let him come over. AHHHHH! I so wish I could change his mind. I so hate that I can't.

Sheri
you are very, very strong to tell him what you need and not settle for less. it is a hard thing to do... you battled FEAR and won this time! It is so scary to think about never seeing this person you loved so much... but for me (and it sounds like for you too) it is far scarier to think about being in 1/2 a relationship... I know that I am unwilling to settle for less than 100% commitment... sound familiar? Your ex is only offering you half... he may be calling out of loneliness and boredom too... you are a safe person for him to call... after my stb-x walked out he called every other day for weeks. I did not take his calls and would only communicate with him via email... no need to be his safety net... if he cannot be there all the time, then he doesn't get to have me part of the time... this was the 2nd time he left (we got back together after 6 months the first time, just before the divorce would have finalized) and tried marriage counseling again. He wanted LESS responsibility... the antithesis of what marriage is. Frankly he called because he is used to calling me when he is bored/wants advice/support etc... sorry but no cake and eating it too with me. Having zero contact has been very, very hard... and scary... but it has been far better than being strung along or having false hope... because every time he is kind, you will believe it is more than what it really is... no contact is truly the way to go. If he cannot meet your emotional needs, namely commitment, take your stand, face your fears and tell him not to call you anymore... it will help you move forward...
Stick to your guns on this. You will be healthier for it... don't settle for less than what you want and don't make excuses for his behavior (I'm guilty of that one... sigh...) take care... you ARE strong. Your post screams of it... hugs...
Edited 10/19/2004 3:04 pm ET ET by cabikerchick
If he calls you again, let him know that if he is not willing to make a healthy commitment to you and your relationship, it is over for good and to not call you anymore. YOU BUSY! BUSY LIVING YOUR LIFE!
Have fun! get out there and date!
Cabikerchick: Thank you. You were very generous with your kindness and willingness to share. I'm really, really sorry to hear your marriage didn't work out. And I will toast to you on December 4th as it will be a milestone for you. As well as my birthday. Which I thought was an interesting coincidence.
You are right when you say it's probably better i didn't end up in a marriage that would've ended due to his insecurity later. My mom's words too.
I'm terrified, petrified of the idea of not hearing from him again. And I'm just trying to ensure that I'm strong enough to deal with the consequence (i.e. actually not hearing from him again...wow, go figure!). And I know I have to do it soon. We aren't in constant contact, it's been only twice since our breakup. But I feel badly after. I feel like I'm rejected again, and again each time he doens't ask me to get back together. It sucks. But you're all right. And I will ask him to go away. I'm just serching, reaching, leaping for the strength to do it. I'm emotionally exhausted and consumed by this.