Help me with rejection please!
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| Wed, 10-20-2004 - 10:24am |
My best friend was the one who got he and I together. We started dating at the end of April, and he started out by smothering me. I told him he needed to slow down, but he wouldn't. He started talking about marriage and how he'd never met anyone like me. He told everybody about me like I was some kind of goddess. After a while, I felt my guard beginning to come down, and I said to myself that maybe this was the one for me. It had been nine years since I had felt this way. He has been divorced for about 4 years and I have been divorced for 13. He has a child. I don't have any children. I remember when he first told me he loved me. I couldn't say it back to him until later. He scared the crap out of me. He introduced me to his family, his daughter, his ex-wife, his neighbors and everybody. He couldn't wait to email me, to phone me or to see me and he wanted to do that every single day. I told him we all needed our space though. He would come out to my house and ask where I wanted to put the three car garage and that he'd put a for sale sign on his house right now. I wanted to run away, but I didn't. He had every single quality that I looked for in a man and he was good to me.
After we first slept together, I noticed a change in him. He wasn't very loving. He seemed to want to sleep with me everytime we saw each other, and I really got tired of that. He also said things that were not very romantic when we were having sex and the way he performed wasn't very loving either. I'm not a prude and I am just as crazy as the next person, but I like to feel as if someone cares for me and loves me while making love. It's not suppose to be just sex.
The first time he broke up with me was right after we had come back from taking vacation together at the end of June. Now, keep in mind, when I planned my vacation, he had planned to take off an entirely different week from his work. Well, he changed his week to the week I had off. I did not ask him to do this. As a matter of fact, I just wanted to take my week off by myself and do whatever I wanted to do. So, he breaks up with me via email and says that I am negative and he hates that. I'm like ???? Okay. So, I'm very hurt and do not understand his sudden change in behavior. The very next evening, I go out with my best friend and another friend to a restaurant. Later that evening, my best friend sees him walk in and he's alone. He sits about 10 feet from us, but never acknowledged us, nor did I say anything. My best friend got up and went to the bathroom, and when she came out, she stepped over to speak to him. We could see her, but we couldn't hear her. I could tell by her body language that she was mad. I've known her for 8 years, so I know her well. She sat back down and told us what he said to her. The next night, I was asleep and he calls me. "I care for you, but I think you need to choose your friends more wisely". I'm like huh?? He says, "You know what she said to me"? I told him exactly what she said and he was like uh huh. He said she said "When's my turn"? Of course, I was dumbfounded and didn't believe him. From that point on, I couldn't mention her name around him. This was the girl that had gotten us together. The very night that he and I first talked to each other it was she who called him for me. I was at her house and he came over to meet me. Naturally, I told her about what he had said. She was so angry, but she has never confronted him to this very day about it because she is my friend. A few days after that, he came over to the house and said that we were worth working on and he wanted to work things out. I asked him to his face: Did she really say that? He said she was crazy, but he didn't want to come between our friendship, so if it would make me feel better, he'd say he made it up. What the hell?? To this very day, he has never admitted to me that he lied and why he lied.
Okay. So, we get back together and it lasts about a month. Things just weren't the same. There was this tension. Even though I was still the same person I always had been, he seemed so negative, agitated, mean and totally not the man I met. This time, he had had a bad day at work, and even though I had cooked that evening and he knew it, he said he wasn't coming over. I said I'm sorry you don't want to see me, and he got very angry. Hung up on me and took the phone off the hook. I left a message on his cell phone and he calls back and says he's not coming, and I asked why. I asked was this it and he said yes, lets break up. Said it was probably more him than me and he'd call me later. I said no, I have my answer. So, he hung up. Three weeks later (there had been no contact at all), I go into a sports bar with a friend and he's there. Five minutes later, he storms out, gets into his truck and you would have thought he was going to a fire. He leaves me a message on my voice mail at home "I hope you're f-ing happy". ???? He dumps me, yet he leaves me this message and I hadn't done anything to him at all??? A week later, we talk and he says "I love you. I don't want to lose you. You're the one consistent thing in my life". He said he wanted to slow things down though. I knew that with his last relationship, the girl had moved away for a job, but he finally told me that he was having trouble getting over it. Even though she's been gone for over a year now, he said he loved her deeply. Frankly, I just don't know what to believe anymore. She was still calling and emailing him when we started dating, and he told her he had met somebody and was very happy. Well, at least that's what he told me. So, I try this slowing down thing. It doesn't work either. He treats me worse than ever. I could never ask him to do things with me because he felt pressured. He called all the shots and I was left wondering when I would hear from him or see him. So, this lasts for a month and then he basically just wants to get together for casual sex. No way was I agreeing to that. Never been a booty call for anybody. Nope. So, about three weeks ago, I told him I couldn't do this anymore and I wanted more. He hugged me and I started to cry and he said my feelings are not the same as they were at first. Well, geesh. Why couldn't he just tell me that four months ago?? Why did he have to drag it out for so damn long? How do you go from I love you, to I want to slow things down, to let's just hook up every now and then in such a short amount of time????
I'm glad I'm strong enough to not contact him and to avoid him at all costs. It hurts to be rejected though, and I do not want to see him with anybody at all. I just want to get over him. I feel like such a fool and I don't understand how someone can be so callous with another person's heart like he was with mine. While we were dating, I had heard things about him, but I never confronted him about them. For instance, he had told me about a girl he dated years ago and he made the comment about her being a psycho and jealous at that time. What he failed to tell me was that they were engaged and she had the wedding dress and the date was set - and he called it off. Well, this is the same girl that cuts his hair now. I guess if she can get over him, I surely can!
Please tell me how I can stop feeling so rejected and wondering what was wrong with me and why he didn't want me. Also, I keep thinking about good it was at first and I want to stop that. Is he really that person that I met at first or is he the a-hole that I ended up leaving?? Please help me.

He sounds like a man with commintment issues. I recently bought the book, He's Scared, She's Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. They describe the characteristics of men and women who suffer from commitmentphobia and your man sounds like it.
I think I may also have been involved with someone like that. They come on very strong in the beginning, telling you how much they love you and wrapping you up in all sorts of exciting plans and fantasies. Then once they have you, they change. They start to get cool; sometimes they pick on you and find fault, etc.
It's not you, sglfrever, believe me it's not you. Part of the problem is that these people are so conflicted and they loved us so much in the beginning that we think we must have done something to make them change. But it's not you, and it's not me. Get the book if you can. It may help you look at your own patterns in dating men.
Don't try to figure him out. You'll only drive yourself crazy. Just walk away and be glad you didn't get stuck with him.
I have contemplated the fact that he could have commitment issues, and I've even read some books based on just that. If he does, he's fooling himself into thinking that he doesn't because he said if he found the right one, he'd get married again. He also said that he was deeply in love with his last girlfriend who moved away for a job. Then again, I've also heard him say "That the lonely way was the simple way". It's so confusing. You're right. If I try to figure it out, I'll go nuts!
Thank you so much for posting. I just need to get all the support I can right now. Deep down inside, I know I did absolutely nothing wrong to make him change like he did. If he had of had any respect for me at all, he wouldn't have used me as a doormat and treated me the way he did for months. He would have been open and honest and let go of me a long time ago. Any self-respecting person with morals and a heart doesn't treat somebody the way he did me. I am 39 years old and I have never ever had a man treat me like that before.
Thank you for your insight. You have made me feel so much better.:)
ouch....i am so sorry for what you are going thru but unfortunately your story is all to common....run right out and buy yourself a copy of the book Men who Cant Love, by Steven Carter....
you are dealing with a classic committment phobic man here and i think this book will give you some comfort
you must know this has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him...you have now seen the real person and i dont think this is the kind of person you want to trust your heart with....
after you read this book you will realize that your story could have been a chapter of its own...
i would never talk to the guy again if it were me...good luck and be glad you saw his true colors before you go in any deeper...
All this time, I didn't want to believe that he could be a commitment phobic, but I have just read 11 red flags that a covert commitment phobic displays and he showed 9 of the 11. Whoa. Could this finally be the answer I've been looking for? It really is hard for me to believe because I remember saying to him "maybe you are scared", but he said "no, I don't think that's it". At this point, I doubt he even realizes it himself. This is all so new for me because I have never dealt with a commitment phobic person before.
Believe me. I have no intentions of seeing him again. It has been almost a month and there has been no contact on either part. If I even think there's a chance I might run into him somewhere, I steer clear, and you can believe this - he will not be contacting me again because he just doesn't have it in him to do that.
Thank you so much for replying. You have made me feel a lot better.:)
You're right. I wasn't very happy and hadn't been in a while. As a matter of fact, the very night that I told him I wanted more and ended it, my sleep habits went back to what they were before this whole mess started. From that night on, I haven't needed anything to help me sleep and it's been wonderful.
It will take some time, and I definitely hope I don't see him anytime soon, but I know I will be okay.
Thanks for your help!!