Need some support and opinions please

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Need some support and opinions please
7
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 1:16pm
Ok, here goes. I told my boyfriend last night that I didn't want to be with him anymore. We have been dating for 6 and a half years. I'm just not happy anymore. I have had these feelings for the past 6 months but wanted to wait to make sure that I wasn't just going through some kind of phase. We have been through alot together and I still love him, but I'm not in love with him. Does that make sense? We constantly argue, he has cheated on me three times that I know about, and I just can't do it anymore. I used to tell myself that everything would work out but I just don't think that it will anymore. I can't trust him. I have tried to make myself forget about everything that he has done but I can't. I think that has alot to do with why I am unhappy. I don't hate him or resent him for what he has done, I just can't get over it. I know that he loves me. I think that he feels the same way that I do but just doesn't want to admit it to himself. I have wanted to get engaged since about year 2 of our relationship but if he would have asked me a week ago to marry him I would have said no. I used to want to have children with him but now it scares me to death to even think that I could pregnant by him. The whole time that we have been dating I have NEVER cheated on him. I've never even looked at another guy that way. Lately though I have been thinking about how nice it would be to date some else and that scared me. When I realized what I was thinking I knew that something was wrong. It's not about sex or that I'm bored with him, I just don't have the same feelings for him that I used to. It hurt me alot to tell him that I wanted to end things, but I'm not heart broken. I think that I am more afraid of being alone than anything. I know that I made the right decision but I feel bad that I hurt him. I know that he will be okay. I think that after a few weeks he will be able to admit to himself that he really wasn't happy and that this was for the best. I guess that I just need to hear some comforting words or something. Sorry that I wrote a book. Thanks for listening.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 1:52pm
You are doing the right thing. Being open with him about how you fill. You know the saying what comes around goes around. When he cheated you all those times did you really hurt you alot. If you did then maybe this is his chance to fill what you did.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 10-21-2004 - 9:05pm

Oh hun, you made the right choice. He hurt you. You can't stay in a relationship where you keep getting hurt. You'll only end up hurting again and again. I'm proud of you that you have the courage to end it. Don't let yourself get hurt like this again. Try to learn from your experience, and take away the good things....leave all the bad things in your past, and move on. Good luck,

Karen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2003
Fri, 10-22-2004 - 2:40pm

i'm sure you did make the right choice....and i know how incredibly hard that choice must have been. You are stronger than i am, as i can't bring myself to have a converstaion about "us" with my boyfriend. I can talk about everyone and everything else under the sun, but now about us. Its a mental block. I commend you on your decision. He was cheating on you and probably won't stop, although i am an optimist and would like to think that people DO change.

How are you feeling now? Are you relieved, sad, confused, etc? I think i am going through similar feelings but do not know how to deal. How did he react?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 3:13pm
He was just kind of in shock. He got mad and called me a bunch of names and hung up. He called me back after he had calmed down some. He asked me who I was sleeping with and I told him no one. When I told him that it was because I was unhappy he said that wasn't a reason for me to leave him. I told him that I don't trust him and I never will so I will never be happy in a relationship with him. He called me a few times this weekend but I wouldn't answer my phone. I feel fine. The only thing that really upset me was knowing that I hurt him. I know that I shouldn't care after all that he has put me through but I do. I'm not in love with him, but I do still have feelings for him. They are more like feelings that you have for a friend though. He will be okay though. After a few weeks he will realize that he wasn't happy and that all this is for the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 8:46pm
Hi,

Your post touched me. I broke up with my boyfriend of six years about a month and a half ago. I know it can be hard at times, but it sounds like you're a strong and amazing woman. I'll tell you the first two weeks were kinda hard but the last three or four weeks have been *amazing*. It's been like waking up. I laugh and smile. I feel free. I wish you all these things in the coming weeks. You made the right choice. Good luck to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:11am
hello.i dont post much but i was reading your story and i too just ended or am trying to end a relationship ,i have been with my bf for six years ,we have been living together and he has cheated once that i know of but we have many other problems he is very jealous and always checking every thing i do,who calls me, who i talk to ,where i go ,anyways we had a big fight about 3 weeks ago and i decided he should move out but its not easy i still care about him but i dont love him enough anymore to want it to work ,but it really hurts me to hurt him because i know he still loves me and dosen;t want it to end,if anyone has any advice i willing to listen,do men really change? do we really want to make things work after so much unhappiness?i think i should move on .what do you guys think?thanks for reading this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 1:30pm
I understand your feelings completely. That is EXACTLY how I feel. As far as men changing.... I don't know. I used to tell myself just to give him more time, that eventually he would change and love me as much as I loved him and that after being together so long that it would be stupid for me to just give up. That was my problem though, I didn't know when to quit. I should have left him after the first time that he cheated. But I thought that he would change. He cheated two more times after that. The first time was at year 2. The second was at year 4. And the third was at year 6. I think that it is possible for men to change and stop cheating. But it is not possible to fully and completely trust them once they have cheated. That is why I left him. I knew that I would never be fully satisfied in our relationship because I couldn't trust him. I am sorry that you are going through the same thing that I am because I know how bad it hurts. I know that this may sound stupid and childish but sometimes I wish that I would have cheated on him, just so he would know how bad it hurts. I would never do that though because I do care about him and wouldn't want to hurt him like that. I guess all that I can say is stay strong. I am taking it one day at a time. It has only been 6 days since I left my boyfriend. I would like to say something though. I, in a way, am glad that all of this happened. I will never again allow a man to cheat on me, boss me around, tell me who I can or can't hang out with, what I can or can't wear, or have so much power over me that I put his feelings before my own. I learned a valuable life lesson from all of this. Maybe if you think about it like that it will be easier. Take care.


P.S.

If anyone has yahoo instant messenger my sn is i3ai3ygirl20004


Edited 10/26/2004 2:03 pm ET ET by i3ai3ygirl20004