Commitment Phobe Strikes Again...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Commitment Phobe Strikes Again...
7
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 3:49pm
Ok....so I'm back, probably to nobody's surprise.

This is again about my ex CP relathionship……My old thread is here

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlbreaking/?msg=15738.1

After going back and forth many times the first year of our relationship, I finally said enough, went on my way and went one month of NC. Then the calls started coming. He wanted to come back, and that during our month of NC he had come to many realizations. He told me that number one reason for intentionally ruining our relationship was based on another woman. Carla, this woman, has been a friend since 3 grade and over the years, they’ve kept in touch sporadically, mainly a 2 minute phone call once a quarter to “catch up”. That’s it! And I know this is true. They have never had a relationship but according to him, she’s been a sort of security blanket, a fantasy (which I have read is very common for CPs). He said he thought that she was just in his mind, that he could commit to something that wasn’t even there.

Coming back, he told me during his soul-searching, he had finally confronted and admitted those feelings for Carla to himself and let it go. He realized I was the one, he wanted to marry me, have children with me and that she was no longer a part of his life.

I listened and I took him back. I did so based on two things- that he go to therapy and told Carla farewell. I told him if we were to move forward, I could not live with the potential influence of her everything something was going wrong with us. He promised to do both.

He went to therapy- four times, and then informed me he didn’t need it because he had worked out his issues. Then last four months have been bittersweet. He’s again pursued me, rushing things, talking about our future, how much he loves me and how he can’t wait for us to start a family. Sure we’ve had fights and I have admittedly had a hard time trusting his words so I have pushed him several times, probably to test his commitment and each time- he’s stood his ground and assured me he’s done running away. Overall, our last four months have been really wonderful.

I told him he would not have to call Carla and end their “relationship” but that when she called, he would need to tell her. He kept saying he would and he would tell me once he talked to her but last month or so, he started giving me a hard time about. He’d do it, but he made sure it was under protest.

Well she called 3 weeks ago, I had his phone when she called. It was a missed call and he never told me if they had had contact again since the call so I pushed the issue once again. I told him it’s been four months and I have no faith that he will keep his word, that his “fictitious feelings” as he referred to them as, were too strong and that he needed to do this for us to close that chapter and move forward. After a whole day of agony of not hearing back from him, he called me and I went over to his house.

He told me he could not commit himself to me 100% because his feelings for her were too strong, that he was not able to say goodbye to her, and that we were never able to move forward unless he found out once and for all if there was anything there between them. He said he needed to be true to himself and for him to do that, he had to let me go because if he didn’t do this, he'd always wonder. He needed to confront her about his feelings to see if she felt the same. He said because they managed to keep in touch so long, he though they may be meant to be together. He gave me a pity-party comment on how he was "risking everything" to finally be able to put this to rest. CLEARLY I'm not everything since he's chosing someone else over me.

NOBODY, knows what the hell this guy is talking about, my friends, his friends etc. They’ve never even heard of this girl. He hasn’t seen her for over 5 years, he barely even knows her which he admits to and she lives in another state.

My question is, how can he leave our relationship that has been so good since we “worked things out” for someone he doesn’t even know?? Is this just an excuse to get out because he’s feeling the commitment fear again? I'm in some serious pain........it was so sudden, and I feel very betrayed. I feel like he's cheated on me mentally and that nothing he said or did was true.


Edited 10/23/2004 3:52 pm ET ET by sandrawede

Edited 10/23/2004 3:55 pm ET ET by sandrawede


Edited 10/23/2004 4:05 pm ET ET by sandrawede

Avatar for iamdelightful
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-23-2004 - 9:52pm
Sandra, I tried to reply to you earlier today but my pc screwed up and I lost the message. Your story really touches me. I read your post from June, and it's heartbreaking. He just doesn't know what he's doing. But you know that whatever it is, it's causing you nothing but heartache. This man sounds like a disaster!

You asked how he could leave your relationship when it's going so well because you've been able to work things out. Well, if he's a CP you knew that was going to happen! When things get warm, comfortable and cozy they tend to cut and run because deep down they're afraid to commit. Isn't that what it's about this fear?

It sounds like once again he's betrayed you and broken your heart, and from the outside looking in he seems really pathetic and ridiculous. I think you know that you have to let him go, for good this time. He's already taken a year out of your life, and it could well take you a full year to recover. Don't let him steal more time from you. Don't contact him again, and don't accept his calls from now on ...

Because you know that if things don't work out with the mysterious Carla that he'll be calling you up, hoping you'll take him back again. But you shouldn't. You're smart, you're brave, loving, funny and whole. You deserve a man who can love you 24/7, without fears, without distancing, without obstacles. And there are men like that on this Earth, but you won't find one as long as you're with or pining over this troubled, anguished soul.

I realize you love him very much. I love my ex very much too. And if he were to come back to my life and start therapy I'd go back to him in a minute ... but you've been around the block with this guy three times now ... If you truly want to be with him (and I don't recommend it) either he will have to change or you will have to change. If you can't accept what he is offering you, leave him. And don't look back.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 10-24-2004 - 9:00pm
Thank you so much for your reply. It made me cry because I feel like nobody understands just how painful this is. I know you're right of course, realistically I KNOW I need to get over him and get over him for good. He just makes it seem so easy and that's what's killing me. I've agonized, analyzed and gone over every single detail said and done the past week, wondering where I should have seen the signs. This time, it came a lot quicker than last times. He basically said he made the decision in TWO days to leave me for her..........

He's also minimizing what he's done. He was so matter-of-factly telling me, showed no remorse, no emotions. It's almost like he won't acknoledge anything he previously said and I have pages after pages of it writing promising something like this will NEVER happen again and he's never been more sure about anything in his life. When I said clearly you lied to my face when you repeatedly told me I was the one and you wanted to spend your life with me, all he had to say was "I meant it at the time, I thougt I could put it behind me, this is the way it has to be. I have to find out so there are no more questions".

At one point he even said "We are never going to be able to move forward if I don't find out for sure if anything is there". Like I'm supposed to just sit on the curb with my broken, bleeding heart laid out on the pavement and wait in case she doesn't want him.

It's such a joke, he doesn't even know her. I don't believe for a second that she's the true reason, she's just an escape route and should they decide to start seeing eachother, I'm sure he'll do the same thing to her.

Well again, thanks for answering. It's nice to have a place to vent. Is your ex a CP too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:47pm
Ok update......Carla is coming to visit……I’m sick to my stomach. Thank god I’m not dead because my body wouldn’t be cold yet. I can’t fu&*%^$ believe how he can bring her down, sleep in the same bed (he only has one) a week after this. How can it be so easy for guys???? The thought of being with someone else is so remote for me. This weekend is going to be terrible but I have made plans to stay busy.

Another thing that really pisses me off, yes, I’m already at the angry state, is that he tried to project it onto me. While claiming wonderful Carla was the reason, he also said “well we both knew this might have been impossible to do and you knew that it wouldn’t last too”. NO, I didn’t, because I actually believed his crap. Here’s what gets me, how can someone that supposedly care for you, break your heart and have the audacity to make you feel worse by putting the blame back in your lap. He knows damn well what he’s done.

Lastly, this guy owes me money that he’s being very reluctant to give back. He’s been getting my paychecks while I wait for my visa. Well when he kicked me out six months ago, he had helped me out with rent and utilities and a couch since I was only there for 3 months and had gotten rid off all my stuff. Now when I told him how much he owes me right now he says he’s taking out whatever money he gave me last time, even though this is the first time he’s asked for it back. And he says I have to wait till his next paycheck……..always on his terms. It’s so messed up that it has to be this way….

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 5:53pm
I think it would be in your best interests to cut off all contact with him and not plan on getting any money from him. Give him your address so he can send you a check (but don't hold your breath), change the address on your paychecks, and move on.

Sheri



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2004
Tue, 10-26-2004 - 11:13pm
(((Sandra))) You know you are always welcome here!! I'm so sorry to see you've gotten hurt again!! I think your ex could have benefitted from a little more therapy or at least a support group. If he hasn't seen Carla in 5 years and is in desperate need to see if she shares his feelings.....I would probably think it is more of his comitment phobia coming out. I hate to say it but I don't think he will ever comit to you or anyone else. I think your best bet is to just cut all ties with him. Don't let him sweet talk you in to another try. He just keeps hurting you....there's no point in letting him do this to you anymore. I know it will be tough but we're all here to help!!
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:08pm
Ok, so I guess he's feeling lonely and perhaps a little sad. It's a little sooner than anticipated but he emailed me this morning. Here's what he said:

Just wanted to see if you were ok. I care, I really do. I know you're upset and would probably not like to hear from me...I just didn't know. So I'm seeing how you are. I'm not trying to play games...I know what I've done and I know the consequences. I just wanted to see how you were. I hope your doing ok. I have money for you, let me know how you'd like me to get it to you.



Now that's all fine and dandy on the money part but there's no reason for him to email me asking how I want it since last time we emailed, I gave him my address and told him to mail me a check which he said he would do next pay check. I know this is his usual little games, trying to test the waters and wants me to respond but I'm done dancing. I know if I reply, even to just say "mail it", he will take it as an opportunity to email me again and off we go. So, my friend that I met through him, is playing softball tonight and my friend is bringing some clothes and stuff that I still had of his. He will also tell my EX to "mail it as per previous agreement".

I just really don't want to reply to him, in ANY way because he doesn't deserve to know how I'm doing or open up any communication lines. I also know that he still hasn't seen Carla and I have a feeling her answer was not what he expected, so now he's probably thinking "well, I guess I can always go back to Sandra until something better comes along since she always takes me back".

I'm really trying to be strong here, it's so hard for me not to reply out of curiosity to see what he wants but I never want to be second best to anyone and he's hurt me more than he'll ever know.

thanks for listening........

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 5:16pm
Ugh. That's got to be hard, but I think you have a great plan (having your friend give him his stuff and the message).

If you're ready to take this step, I think you should block him from emailing you. I know it's hard step to take but I think it will do you a world of good (same with blocking him from calling). I had to take that step before I could get over my c'phobic ex, but it took me 3 years to get to the point of blocking him, so I know how hard it is! Of course I wish I'd done it sooner, but oh well, hindsight is 20/20, right?

Sheri